Old and New Jokes

YO COMPUTER IS SO SMART THAT IT FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK BEFORE YOU WHEN YOU TAKE 5 HOURS HE ONLY TOOK 1 MINUTE ON A COLLEGE PAPER.

So there is a russian, a coloradan, and and mexican all sitting around the campfire. The russian is drinking a white russian, the mexican is drinking a margarita and the coloradan a coors. So the russian takes his drink, throws it in the air and shoots it. The mexican and coloradan asked why did u do that? he said where i come from we have plenty of those. Then the mexican took his margarita, threw it in the air, and shot it, then the coloradan and the russian asked why did u do that? The mexican replied where i come from we have plenty of margaritas. So then the coloradan takes the mexican, throws him in the air and shoots him. The russian says why did u do that? the then coloradan replies where i come from we have plenty of mexicans!

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men,

have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men

with money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat

heterosexual, dont think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are

heterosexual, somewhat nice

and have money, are pigs.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and

have some money and

thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE

THE

FIRST MOVE!

The men who never make the first move, automatically

lose interest in us

when we take the initiative.

NOW, WHO IN THE WORLD UNDERSTANDS MEN?

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like

grapes, and its our job

to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until

they

mature into something youd like to have dinner

with.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE

GUYS YOU THINK CAN

HANDLE IT!!

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?

Daddy, relieved that Johnnys not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!

Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.

The father thought some and said, Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Lets say that Im capitalism because Im the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?

Little Johnny said, Well, Dad, I dont know, but Ill think about what you said.

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brothers crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper.

So, he went down the hall to his parents bedroom and found his fathers side of the bed empty and his mother wouldnt wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldnt do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.

Excellent, my boy, he answered, What have you learned?

Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the futures full of crap.

A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next to the bed on the floor. He doesnt believe his dog is dead, so he takes him to the vet, and the vet says, Im sorry, but your dog is dead. The man doesnt believe him and says, I want a second opinion.
The doctor goes into the back and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog and bites it and says to the vet, Meeoowrr. The vet says again, Im sorry, sir, your dog is dead.
The man says, No, I want another opinion.
So the doctor brings out a Laborador Retriever and he jumps all over the dead dog and tugs at it and barks at it and says to the vet, Rrrrr. The vet says, Im sorry, sir, but your dog is dead. that will be 500 dollars.
$500 to tell me my dog is dead? asks the man.
Well, the vet replies, Im 100 dollars, the cat scan was 300 and the lab test was 200 dollars.

This list was sent to me by Liz Oszelcuk, the Grad. Assistant of UC Berkeleys Slavic Department. Enjoy!

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.
I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wifes new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

You might be a Redneck if you dining room floor is spay-on truck bed liner.

© Lynn Duerksen May 2005

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.



If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.



If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.



If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.



If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.



If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.



If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps theyre destined for the Help Desk.



If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.



If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests,

Public Relations would suit them well.



If they are sleeping, they are Management material.



If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.



If they dont even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.



If they try to tell you its not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA – I came, I saw, I shopped.

If its true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Strange! No one ever says Its only a game, when their team is winning.

Isnt Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?