Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
You haul more than U-Haul.

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
laughed uproariously. Whats the matter? grumbled the boss. Havent you
got a sense of humor?

I dont have to laugh, she said. Im leaving Friday.

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

Im sorry = Youll be sorry.

We need. = I want

Its your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = Youll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure, go ahead = I dont want you to.

Im not upset = Of course Im upset, you moron!

Youre . . . so manly = You need a shave and new deodorant.

Youre cretainly attractive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so incovenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = Im going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today youre really not going to like.

Ill be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me Im beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, youre dead

Was that the baby? = Get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

Im not yelling! = es, I am yelling, because I think this is important

Old statisticians never die, they just undergo a transformation.

What do golf and Florida elections have in common? Low score wins.

Joke found on http://www.funny-jokes.net

A little boy and a little girl, on a beach, are arguing. Little boy says to the little girl, I have a Nintendo!

Little girl says, Oh yeah, well I have a Sega and a Nintendo!

Little boy says, So, my dads a doctor!

Little girls says, My dads an astronaut!

Back and forth they went, each one trying to outdo the other until finally the little boy pulls down his shorts and proclaims, But I have on of these!!!! and shows the little girl his penis.

The little girl, not being able to retaliate, gets up and goes home. The next day, the little girl spots the little boy and proudly announces, My mom said that with one of these (pointing to hers) I can get as many of those as I want!!!!!!

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.

Two days went by and the construction workers couldnt stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said: We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.

The police said Its not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.

Well, who was it?

The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion.

Q: How many hunters does it take to screw a lightbulb into a left-handed socket?
A: There is no such thing as a left-handed socket, but if they could screw right they would not be hunters.

How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax? It has a stamp on it.

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman.

So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot.

Oh really, hmm, didnt know that, replied the Irishman.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didnt care.

The second Englishman remarked, You just dont know how to set him off… watch and learn.

So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!

Oh really, hmm, didnt know that, replied the Irishman.

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. Youre right, hes unshakable!

The third Englishman remarked, Boys, Ill really tick him off… just watch this.

So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, Hey, I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!

Yeah, thats what your buddies were trying to tell me.