Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husbands early films end with a scream and a flush.
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of rich usually cancels out the nice of bald.
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if theyre really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
If its attention you want, dont get involved with a man during play-off season.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
Dont try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
All men hate to hear We need to talk about our relationship. These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
All men think that theyre nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
Men dont get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Women take clothing much more seriously than men. Ive never seen a man walk into a party and say Oh, my God, Im so embarrassed; get me out of here. Theres another man wearing a black tuxedo.
Most men hate to shop. Thats why the mens department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
If youre dating a man who you think might be Mr. Right, if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders outfits get tighter and briefer, and players shorts get baggier and longer.
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
Most women are introspective: Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled? Most men are outrospective: Did my team win? Hows my car?
If a man says, Ill call you, and he doesnt, he didnt forget … he didnt lose your number … he didnt die. He just didnt want to call you.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, Are we going to have sex again? He said, Yes, but not with each other.
Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. Get out and I never want to see you again might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, I love you … I want to marry you … I want to have your children. Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: Mitch, you look great. Mitch: Thanks. On the other side: Ruth, you look great. Ruth: I do? Must be the lighting.
Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when shes wearing a jumpsuit.
Men dont feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Womens dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Men forget everything; women remember everything.
Thats why men need instant replays in sports. Theyve already forgotten what happened.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
All men would still really like to own a train set.
You might be a redneck if…
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in
mid air, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this
point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are
so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize
boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called
this sudden termination of motion the stooges surcease.
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of
victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so
eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving
a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often
catalyzes this reaction.
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral
down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably
unsuccessful.
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them
directly away from the earths surface. A spooky noise or an adversarys
signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a
chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character
who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground,
especially when in flight.
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a characters
head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several
places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are
spinning or being throttled. A wacky character has the option of
self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to
achieve the velocity required.
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
entrances; others cannot.
This trompe loeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is
known that whoever paints an entrance on a walls surface to trick an
opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The
painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the
painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might
comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-
pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a
few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or
solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the
physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it
happen to a duck instead.
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a
character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
A wife comes in and yells, Honey, pack your clothes! I just won the lottery! Her husband yells back, Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains? The wife replies, I dont care! Just get the hell out!
What is the difference between a non-Jewish woman and a Jewish woman?
A non-Jewish woman urges her husband to take Viagra.
A Jewish woman urges her husband to invest in Pfizer.
Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isnt worth anything – gas is!
Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
At a restaurant in New York: Tip-ing is not a city in China.
Somewhere in Australia….
Papa, said the farmers son, you were a sheepherder in your younger days, perhaps you can tell me where virgin wool comes from.
Virgin Wool, my son, comes from the sheep the herders couldnt catch.
I havent sold one tractor all month, a tractor salesman tells his friend.
Thats nothing compared to my problem, his buddy replies. I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and Ill tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, Ill buy a tractor off ya.
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are stranded on a deserted island 20 miles from shore. They decide to try to swim to shore. The brunette swims 7 miles, gets tired, and drowns. The redhead swims 10 miles, gets tired, and drowns. The blonde swims 19 miles, gets tired, and swims back.
A guy goes down south to be a farmer because its his life long dream. So he buys a piece of land and goes down there. Now all he needs are the animals. So he goes into a store and asks the clerk for a rooster to wake him up every morning.
The clerk says, We dont call em roosters, we call em cocks.
Okay the man says. Ill take a cock and a rabbit for the farm.
We pronounce it rubbit says the clerk.
Okay, Ill take those two things and a mule to carry them home.
We dont call em mules, we call em asses and every time the ass stops walkin, just scratch behind his ear.
So the man walks out of the store with the three animals. Hes walking home when all of a sudden the mule stops.
The man sees a lady passing by and asks, Can you hold my cock and rubbit while I scratch my ass?