You may have noticed that a new TV ad for Microsofts Internet Explorer e-mail program uses the musical theme of the Confutatis Maledictis from the Mozarts Requiem.
Where do you want to go today? is the cheery line on the screen.
Meanwhile, the chorus sings Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis, which means, The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell.
A bored housewife in suburbia is entertaining her lover in bed one day as, unknown to them, her nine-year-old son is taking it all in from her bedroom closet. As luck would have it, the husband arrives home unexpectedly from the office and the surprised wife shoves her lover into the closet.
Son says to lover, Sure is dark in here, isnt it?
After jumping out of his skin and crawling back in, the lover replied that it was.
Would you like to buy a flashlight? asks the boy. The lover said he didnt think so.
Sure would be bad if dad found out about this, observed the boy. The lover enquired as to how much the boy wanted for the flashlight and agreed to pay the $25.00 price.
Two weeks later, same housewife, same lover, same boy in the closet when husband again arrives home unexpectedly. Wife shoves lover into closet and son says, Sure is dark in here, isnt it? Would you like to buy a fishing rod?
The lover agrees to pay the $50. price for the boys fishing rod and his silence.
Weekend arrives and father asks son if he would like to go fishing. Son replies, Cant, dad; sold my fishing rod.
Dad says, That old thing? How much did you get for it?
When the son told him $50., dad proceeds to give him a stern lecture on morality and ethics and demands that he go to confession that very day.
The son goes into this big church, enters the confessional, and pulls the curtain closed. He says, Sure is dark in here, isnt it?
The priest replied, Oh no, were not going through that again!
See how many of these you hear this year!
Here are my FAVORITE top ten Christmas Quotations
My God, Aint Sally, dont use the BUTTER KNIFE to spread that oleo on your own damn bread!
Why is it that **MY** children always has to drink out of the jelly glasses?
Id just love for all yall to come to **MY** place next Christmas, but Im afraid there aint room for all of us in that little tiny trailer.
Well, I got it at Sears. If it dont fit, Im sure theyll be glad to swap it for you for a larger size. I just dint realize you waz wearing a ***24W*** already.
What the hell am I supposed to do with T*H*I*S? Didnt anybody git me any white socks?
I dont EVER put olives on MY deviled eggs. I just dont know why anybody would! Skeeters allergic to olives, aint you, Skeeter? Why, yes, you are so! You are, too, allergic to olives!
Who let that damn dog get into my box of chocolate-covered cherries? I was gonna drop them by WyeVonnes. Miz Marshall down at the mill give all us girls a box. WyeVonne wouldnt have never knowd where they come from. Now Im gonna haf to give her one of my boxes of dustin powder!
I see yall still are devotes of arboreal sacrifice. Weve had an artificial tree for YEARS!
Momma, whys Aint Bobbie making me eat off a plain plate? Yores has got a Christmas tree on it!
Yep, I been settin air for three hours an forty-two minutes, by my clock. An air he come! ARE YALL ALL LISTENIN TO THIS? I got him right tair in the cross hairs. I pull the trigger, and — S*P*L*A*T!!! Bye-bye, Bambi. … Pass me some more of that venison, R.J.
Revised, 1996. By Lee Bradley.
This text may be reproduced and distributed, without changes, at your pleasure, as long as this notice remains attached and intact.
Lee Bradley
From Shelley Bermans hilarious book : Up in the Air
Q. When is it much better to be a woman than a man?
A. When you are in the lavatory and the plane hits turbulence.
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Mr Wong goes to an optometrist to have his failing eyesight checked out.
The optometrist runs a battery of tests and comes to a conclusion.
Mr Wong, Im afraid you have a cataract
He replies, No I dont – I drive lincoln town car!
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.
An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, Yahoo! and rode off.
What did you do to get that Indian so excited? asked the service station attendant.
Nothing, shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldnt fall off.
Lady the attendant said, Indians ride bareback…
Seventy-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Doctor Smith said,
George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and do you have a good relationship with your God?
George replied,
God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so hes fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, poof, the light goes on when I pee and then, poof, the light goes off when Im done.
Wow, commented Doctor
Smith, thats incredible!
A little later in the day Doctor Smith called Georges wife. Thelma, he said, George is just fine. Physically hes great.
But I had to call because Im in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, poof, the light goes on in the toilet and then, poof, the light goes off?
Thelma exclaimed, That old fool. Hes been peeing in the refrigerator again!
Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea? You didnt?! Its all over town!
To find out, Take this handy quiz:
You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
your
coffee.
You:
(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
(c) Show him whos in command; promptly take a piss in his In
basket.
(d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.
You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a no-no,
you:
(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one
fluid motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up
to the 4th joint.
(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a
prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick
it up, blow your nose on your sock.
You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and
tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players
live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and dont
remember your name.
(b) Ask what position she played.
(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
(d) Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask
if he recognizes the label.
You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be
your best deal of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into the
restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companions attention to her
and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in
your hotel. She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as
his daughter. Your next move is to:
(a) Ask for her hand in marriage.
(b) Pass out and hope for sympathy.
(c) Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the
daughter and get her number.
(d) Turn red and slink off into the mens room.
You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives in
the plushest office youve ever seen. The enchillada casserole and egg
salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. Your
sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass bookcase
doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. You:
(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.