Old and New Jokes

Degrees (Fahrenheit)

* 65 degrees:

Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night

* 60 degrees:

Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

* 50 degrees:

Miami residents turn on the heat

* 45 degrees:

Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

* 40 degrees:

You can see your breath

Californians shiver uncontrollably

Minnesotans go swimming

* 35 degrees:

Italian cars dont start

* 32 degrees:

Water freezes

* 30 degrees:

You plan your vacation to Australia

* 25 degrees:

Ohio water freezes

Californians weep pitiably

Minnesotans eat ice cream

Canadians go swimming

* 20 degrees:

Politicians begin to talk about the homeless

New York City water freezes

Miami residents plan vacation further South

* 15 degrees:

French cars dont start

Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

* 10 degrees:

You need jumper cables to get the car going

* 5 degrees:

American cars dont start

* 0 degrees:

Alaskans put on T-shirts

* -10 degrees:

German cars dont start

Eyes freeze shut when you blink

* -15 degrees:

You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo

Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects

Miami residents cease to exist

* -20 degrees:

Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you

Politicians actually do something about the homeless

Minnesotans shovel snow off roof

Japanese cars dont start

* -25 degrees:

Too cold to think

You need jumper cables to get the driver going

* -30 degrees:

You plan a two week hot bath

Swedish cars dont start

* -40 degrees:

Californians disappear

Minnesotans button top button

Canadians put on sweaters

Your cat helps you plan your trip South

* -50 degrees:

Congressional hot air freezes

Alaskans close the bathroom window

* -80 degrees:

Hell freezes over

Polar bears move South

Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game

* -90 degrees:

Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets!

Q: How is Bill like a character actor?
A: When he shows character, hes acting.

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.

The judge said, What will you take….30 days or $30.

The man replied, I think Ill take the money.

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

1. Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, weve got our whole lives ahead of us,
and youre inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie:
Just one. And then Ill replace any wiring thats not up to code.

3. Dachshund:
You know I cant reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler:
Make me.

5. Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd:
Ill change it as soon as Ive led these people from the dark, check to make
sure I havent missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see
that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier:
Ill just pop it in while Im bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? Im sorry, but I dont see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there …

13. Greyhound:
It isnt moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd:
First, Ill put all the light bulbs in a little circle …

15. Poodle:
Ill just blow in the Border Collies ear and hell do it. By the time he
finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cats Answer:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real
question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some
dinner, and a massage?

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE
STAFF.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM cash machine by running
a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off
their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still
attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicles license plate still attached to the bumper.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Nostalgia isnt what it used to be.

This is a true story published in the Chicago Tribune Travel section on Sunday, June 6, 1999 in a story entitled Choppy Skies: A White-knuckle flight on Air Zimbabwe by Gaby Plattner.

It seems that Plattner was traveling with a backpacking group through Africa as they found themselves waiting in Kariba airport for a flight to Hwange …

Our flight was delayed, so we settled down to wait. And wait. Three hours later, we were finally told the plane was ready to board. Air Zimbabwe bought many of its planes second-hand from other airlines, and the one we got into was no exception. Dirty and ancient, the mid-size jetliner was clearly one that no one else had wanted. Inside, we settled into the seats with 80 or 90 other passengers and waited. And waited some more. Finally, the pilots voice came over the loudspeaker. Were all ready to go ladies and gentlemen.

However, weve been waiting for the copilot, and he still hasnt arrived. Since weve already waited so long,were just going to be flying without a copilot today. There was a nervous buzz through the cabin. He continued, If any of you feel uncomfortable with this, feel free to disembark now and AirZimbabwe will put you on the next available flight to Hwange. Here he paused. Unfortunately, we are not sure when that will be. But rest assured, I have flown this route hundreds of times, we have clear blue skies, and there are no foreseeable problems. No one in Plattners group, doubtful as they might have been, wanted to wait any longer at Kariba for a plane that may or may not materialize, so they stayed onboard for the one-hour flight.

Once the aircraft reached cruising altitude, the pilot came on the loudspeaker again Ladies and gentlemen. I am going to use the bathroom. I have put the plane on auto-pilot and everything will be fine. I just dont want you to worry. That said, he came out of the cockpit, fastened the door open with a rubber band to a hook on the wall. Then he went to the bathroom. Plattner continues: Suddenly, we hit a patch of turbulence. Nothing much, the cabin just shook a little for a moment. But the rubber band snapped off with a loud ping! and went sailing down the aisle. The door promptly swung shut. A moment later, the pilot came out of the bathroom. When he saw the closed door, he stopped cold. I watched him from the back and wondered what was wrong. The stewardess came running up, and together they both tried to open the door. But it wouldnt budge. It slowly dawned on me that our pilot was locked out of the cockpit.

Cockpit doors lock automatically from the inside to prevent terrorists from entering. Without a copilot, there was no one to open the door from the inside. By now, the rest of the passengers had become aware of the problem, and we watched the pilot, horrified. What would he do? After a moment of contemplation, the pilot hurried to the back of the plane. He returned holding a big axe. Without ceremony, he proceeded to chop down the cockpit door. We were rooted to our seats as we watched him. Once he managed to chop a hole in the door, he reached inside, unlocked the door, and let himself back in. Then he came on the loudspeaker, his voice a little shakier this time than before. Ah, ladies and gentlemen, we just had a little problem there, but everything is fine now. We have plans to cover every eventuality, even pilots getting locked out of their cockpits. So relax and enjoy the rest of the flight!

Jesus walks towards the gates of Heaven, quietly whistling for himself.

St. Peter raises his eyes from the books and shouts: You! Hey, you! Where do you think youre going?

Err … St. Peter? You dont recognize me? Why Im Jesus! Im on my way to see my father!

Jesus, Schmesus, says St. Peter. Come on, boy, surely you can come up with something better than that. How do you expect me to believe you are Jesus? Go away, youre wasting my time.

But Peter! Weve gone a long way together! Its me, Jesus! You have to remember me!

You? Jesus? You make me laugh. Jesus – with that beard? And those dirty clothes? Hah. No way youll get past me pretending youre Jesus.

Depressed, Jesus turns around and begins to slowly walk away. After a couple of secs, St. Peter says: Hey, Jesus.

Yes?

Smile. Youre on Candid Camera!