Old and New Jokes

Yo mama like the ocean… everybody gets to hit the waves

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into the driveway.



What happened? says the wife. You should have been home hours ago!



Harry had a heart attack at the third hole, replied the husband.



Oh, thats terrible, says the wife.



I know, the husband answers. All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry…

I stopped at a friends shop the other day and found him stalkin around with a fly swatter.

When I asked if he was gettin any flies, he answered, Yeah, 3 males and 2 females.

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered, 3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone.

And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you, said the husband. Yes, several, the wife replied.

Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed. I did!

A boy was caught a watch from a shop. He was taken to a police station and put in a lock-up. A hardened criminal lodged there showed some sympathy and said, “You are wasting time on small items. Why don’t you rob a bank?”

The boy replied, “By the time I leave school, all banks are closed.”

Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs

10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares

9. In between May I and have your attention theres a 45 minute pause.

8. Hes constantly yelling, Take that, Red Baron!

7. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia

6. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.

5. For the last hour, hes been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.

4. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.

3. His wings are pinned to his bare chest

2. When you fly over international date line, he yells, Dude! Were, like, time traveling!

1. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop

there are 3 people 1from china , 1 from america and 1 from india
and all three of them are trying to prove whos country was more scientifically developed.

(1)
The Chinese man takes the other two along with him to china and digs the ground 200 meteres he finds a phone cable and says >>my country had phones 200 years ago

(2)
The American man gets really frustrated and takes the other two to america, there he digs a hole 400 meteres deep and finds a telephone wire, he then says >we had phones 400 years ago.

(3)
The Indian then takes the other two to india and digs a hole 800 meteres deep but finds no wire at all he then says 800 years back we had mobile phones!!

War was on and the captain was attempting to rally the
GIs on the eve of a big offensive.

Out there, said the captain, is your enemy. The man
who has made your life miserable, who is working to
destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day
after day throughout this war.

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. My God; the cooks
working for the other side!

Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.

The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when theres a ring on the doorbell.

He opens the door, and theres a snail sitting there. What do you want? asks the landlord.

The snail replies that he wants a drink.

Go away, were closed, and we dont serve snails anyway.

The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, kicks the snail and slams the door.

….. Exactly one year later, hes locking up again, and theres a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there. What do you want says the landlord.

What did you do that for says the snail.