An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldnt hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and hes a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird."So youre the new stud in town? I bet you really think youre hot stuff dont you? Well Im not ready for the chopping block yet. Ill bet Im still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. Well run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "Youre on," he said, "and since Im so great, Ill even give you a head start of half a lap. Ill still win easy!" So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little — but hes still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old roosters lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap hes just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. "Damn. Thats the third gay rooster Ive bought this month."
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but youll have an even better chance if he doesnt wear anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. Im two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. Ever since Ive been pregnant, I havent been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what youre doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause youre fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes shes borderline irrational.
A. So whats your question, dork?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. My childbirth instructor says its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word alimony means anything to you.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but its much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
A Brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears. The genie says,You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much. The woman says,Okay. Give me a nice house. The genie replies, You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two. The the lady asks,Give me a gorgeous man. The genie replies,You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two. The lady says,For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there, beat me half to death with it.
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.
As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his first mate, Bring me my red shirt!
The first mate quickly retrieved the captains red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. The men sat around on deck that night recounting the days events when an ensign looked to the captain and asked, Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?
The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show blood, and thus you men will continue to fight unafraid.
The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man. The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties.
The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, Bring me my red shirt!
Once again, the battle was on, and the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time, more casualties occurred.
Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, ten of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, Bring me my brown pants!
Yo mamas so ugly when she was born they put her in an incubator with tinted windows!!!!!!!
Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a new bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!
The population of the United States was 180 million at the time of writing, but there are 64 million over 60 years of age, leaving 116 million to do the work.
People under 21 total 59 million which leaves 57 million people to do the work.
Because of the 31 million government employees, there are only 26 million left to do the work.
Six million in the armed forces leave twenty million workers.
Deduct 17 million State, county, and city employees, and we are left with three million to do the work.
There are 2,500,000 people in hospitals, asylums, and treatment facilities leaving half a million workers.
However, 450,000 of these are bums or others who will not work, leaving 50,000 to do the work.
Now, it may interest you to know that there are 49,998 people in jail so that leaves just 2 people to do all the work, and that is you and me, and Im getting tired of doing everything myself!
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
There were a physicist, a circus strong man, and a statistician marooned on a desert island. A box of canned food washes ashore, and the question is how to open the cans. The physicist suggests dropping them from the trees so that they break open. The strong man says thats too messy. Instead, he will rip the cans open with his bare hands. The statistician says thats still too messy, but he knows how to open the cans without making a mess. First, he says assume we have a can opener.
Yo mama so ugly that when she looked out the window, the police gave her a fine for mooning.