Old and New Jokes

Here is a joke from the March issue of Playboy:
[Ed: But they didnt write it.]

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood
bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and
asked him if anything was wrong.

Im scared out of my mind, the stud replied. Some pissed-off husband
wrote to me and said hed kill me if I didnt stop fucking his wife.

So stop, the barkeep said.

I cant, the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. The prick didnt
sign his name!

She whispers to the waiter, Please kill me.

All she talks about is how great it is working for Heidi Fleiss.

You catch her giving her phone number to the guy cleaning your windshield.

She lunges at you several times with a steak knife.

She keeps calling you Bachelor Number Two.

Whoa! Is it 8:15 already?

She transitions the conversation by saying Ive said enough about me. What do you think about me?

Q. Whats the difference between a guitar player and a Savings Bond?

A. The Savings Bond will eventually mature and make money.

A woman told a marriage counselor that her husbands complaint that he leads a dogs life is probably well founded.

He comes in the house with muddy feet, she said, tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture.

1. He only had one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasnt published in a referred journal.

5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.

6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.

9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

IM GLAD IM A WOMAN

Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am.

I dont live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.

I dont brag to my buddies about my erections.

I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I dont get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.

And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!

I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt.

My belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I dont go around re-adjusting my crotch,

or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.

I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind.

Im a woman you see-Im just not that kind!

Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing.

I dont have body hair like shag carpeting.

It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back.

When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack.

And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb.

Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.

Im a woman, you know-Ive got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.

I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball.

I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I wont tell you my wife just does not understand,

Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,

Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, Im so very glad Im a woman, you see.

Forget all about that old penis envy.

I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for a chick.

Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

Im a woman by chance and Im thankful, its true.

Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, Got any grapes?

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, Got any grapes?

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails?

Confused, the bartenders says no.

Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?

El cura en la iglesia decía en su sermón:

Queridos feligreses:

Han llegado a mis oídos los rumores de que se ha instalado cerca de la iglesia una casa de esas de mala reputación, de mujeres malas, aunque ustedes dicen que son muy buenas; pero tengan cuidado de ir a una casa de estas, pues una de esas mujeres le puede prender una enfermedad, de esas que llaman venerables y luego, ustedes llegan a sus hogares y se la prenden a sus esposas… ¡y ahí si que nos jodemos todos!

Estaba María Félix en una fiesta; en eso llega Thalía y se presenta:

Señora, señora, yo soy Thalía y he hecho grandes telenovelas.

Me parece perfecto, le contesta la Doña con indiferencia.

Además, yo he viajado mucho. En Indonesia me coronaron la emperatriz de la belleza.

Me parece perfecto.

Pero, dígame, ¿y usted que ha hecho?, inquiere la señora Mottola.

¡Pues mira, yo también soy regia, me he esforzado por educarme; me he cultivado. Antes yo decía tenedor hoy digo cubierto; antes decía pasto hoy digo césped. Es más, antes yo decía: ¡Me vale madre! Hoy digo: Me parece perfecto.