Old and New Jokes

A little boy was visiting his grandparents on their farm and became attached to one of the kittens. This kitten, having no road sense, was killed by a passing car right in front of the little boy. The grandfather buried the kitten behind the barn, and the grandmother distracted the boy by giving him cookies and milk. While the little boy was eating, the following conversation took place.

Grandma, what happened to the kitten? It was killed by a car. The kitten is dead.

Where does a kitten go when it dies? God takes the kitten to heaven.

The little boy took another bite of cookie and then said, But, Grandma, what does God want with a dead kitten?

An avid skin diving treasure hunter became disillusioned after spending his entire Florida vacation searching for underwater treasure, only to find none at all.

Disheartened, he spent his last day simply paddling around in the shallow waters near the shore. The entire scene seeemed really dark, when he banged his shin on something unseen on the bottom.

Digging down to find out the cause of his pain, he found an old chest full of precious gems, silver and gold.

That, of course, brightened his outlook considerably. He was heard to remark afterwards, It only goes to show you that booty is shin deep!

You haul more than U-Haul.

Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, The feud is back on!

There is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

Q: How long will it take?
A: Thats indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs theyve brought with them.

Why is a blonde like a doorknob? Because everyone gets a turn.

Una lora iba a ser bautizada, pero un día antes la lora le dijo a madre que si podía salir a dar una vuelta y ella le dijo:

Solo si prometes no memorizarte nada.

Y la lora distraída dice:

Lo que tu digas.

Minutos más tarde la lora va volando y escucha a un tipo hechándose un baldado de agua y este dice: QUE HIJUEPUTA AGUA TAN FRIA y la lora se lo memorizó. Más adelante en una pelea un hombre le lanza un puñetazo al otro y al éste esquivarlo dice MARICA, SI NO ME AGACHO ME LO PEGAS y la lora se lo memorizó. Después, en un campo un paisano arriando unas vacas grita ARRE, HIJUEPUTAS, ARRE. Tras esto una vaca cae y otro paisa le grita METANLE UN REJO POR EL CULO A VER SI SE DESPIERTA y la lora se lo graba todo.

Al otro día en la iglesia el padre le da el agua bendita a la lora y ésta al sentirla dice QUE HIJUEPUTA AGUA TAN FRIA. El padre al oir esto le lanza la biblia y la lora dice MARICA, SI NO ME AGACHO ME LO PEGAS

Todo el mundo forma un alboroto incrible y la lora grita ARRE, HIJUEPUTAS, ARRE.

Al oir esto la madre se desmaya y la lora finalmente grita:

METANLE UN REJO POR EL CULO A VER SI SE DESPIERTA.

Ok well a guy whos still in college still shares his room with his little brother. He has the top bunk and his brother has the bottom. One day him and his girlfriend come home and they go to the top bunk and you know things start heating up. Then he remembers about his little brother so he says to his girlfriend if you want it harder say tomato and if you want a different position say lettuce. so then LETTUCE! TOMATO! LETTUCE! etc… Then his little brother wakes up and says Hey quit making sandwiches your two, your getting mayonase all over me!

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that its a pretty good working solution. No no, says the physicist, theres a better way. He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.

Then the mathematician speaks up: No, no, theres an even better way. To the others amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:

I define myself to be on the outside.

A man walks into the bathroom, and steps up to a urinal. He cant help but notice the short man at the urinal next to him, and the large penis this man has.

He says to the short man, Excuse me, I couldnt help but notice what a large penis you have. The short man replies, I am a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes.

The man is kind of skeptical, but he decides to believe him anyway. OK, He says, I want to live in a mansion. The short man replies, Sure. Tomorrow morning you will wake up in it.

The man says, Next, I want a beautiful girlfriend. OK, the short man replies, Tomorrow you will wake up next to her. The man is still not sure whether to believe him, but he continues.

I want a penis as large as yours. Alright, but there is one catch, the short man replies. Whats that, the man asks? I have to have sex with you from behind, the short man says.

The other man thinks for a second, and decides anything is worth getting a penis that large. OK, go right ahead. The short man starts to do his thing, and the other man says, I cant believe Im gonna have a penis as big as yours.

The short man replies, I cant believe you thought I was a leprechaun!