Old and New Jokes

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

Un tipo camina lentamente por una playa e, indignado, hace comentarios:

¡Qué plabeyos!… ¡Qué cabrones!… ¡Cagaron toda la playa!… No hay donde poner el pie… Todo está lleno de mierda… Y nadie lo limpia… ¡Oh, por fin! ¡Hay un pedazo limpio!

Y se agacha para echar una cagadita.

Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.



He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.



The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.



He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound.



He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, How deep is this hole? The farmer said, Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?



The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, No. The farmer said, Oh well. He cant get far. He was tied to a railroad beam.

Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

Conscientious and careful: Scared.

Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

– Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

– Old students never die, they just get degraded.

– Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bea!
Bea who?
Beatle Bailey!

Two old guys and a [ethnic] go hunting.The first night, one old man
comes back with a deer.

Howd ya get it? the [ethnic] asked.

Follow the tracks, follow the tracks-BOOM-got me a deer.

The second night, the other old man comes back to camp with two
deer.

Howd ya get em? the [ethnic] asked.

Follow the tracks, follow the tracks-BOOM-got me two deer.

On the third night, the [ethnic]s out until three in the morning.

He comes staggering into the camp all beat up, with torn clothes,
tons of bruises, and a lot of fractures.

What happened to you? asked one of the old men.

Follow the tracks, follow the tracks-BOOM-got hit by a train.

– Yo Mamas so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said Sorry, no professionals
– Yo Mamas so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, What a treasure! and her father said, Yeah! Lets go bury it!
– Yo Mamas so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
– Yo Mamas so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.
– Yo Mamas so ugly, they didnt make a costume for her when she tried out for Star Wars.
– Yo Mamas so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say, Damn! Is it Halloween already?
– Yo Mamas so ugly, the govt. moved Halloween to her birthday.
– Yo Mamas so ugly, her mom had to feed her with a sling shot.
– Yo Mamas so ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone.
– Yo Mamas so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled rape, they yelled NO!
– Yo mamas so ugly, shes like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border.
– Yo mamas so ugly, it looks like her neck threw up.
– Yo mamas so ugly, rice crispies wont even talk to her.
– Yo mamas so ugly, she scares people even with the lights out.
– Yo mamas so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
– Yo mamas so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells her to get out.
– Yo mamas so ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesnt have to kiss her goodbye.
– Yo mamas so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said Thanks for bringing her back.

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast

infection.

He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.

Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California

Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as long time friend Aunt Jemima

delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as the man who never knew how much

he was kneaded.

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with

many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting most of

his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a

roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife — they have two children and one in

the oven.

The funeral was held at 4:25 for about 20 minutes.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say oh geez, better get cracking and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming Andre, Andre, Ive got the secret documents!!3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructors left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, Im so sure you can hear me thinking. Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, I dont understand any of this. Ive been to every lecture all semester long! Whats the deal? And who are you? Wheres the regular guy?8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say Theyve found me, I have to leave the country and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out Merry Christmas. If youre really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent marke