Old and New Jokes

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America used this line in an ad slogan MS, its not a software company … exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an altogether worthier cause.

Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by Microsoft, which doesnt relish the association of ideas but is painfully aware that it cant afford to appear insensitive over such an issue.

Seasoned information technology professionals will have no trouble telling the two MSs apart One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task.

The other is a disease.

[Thanks to DZ]

Two Vietnamese refugees have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs. Odd, her companion replies, but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.Nodding emphatically, one of the refugees points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. Two dogs, please, she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, What part did you get?

Dont use no double negatives
Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents
Join clauses good, like a conjunction should
About them sentence fragments.
When dangling, watch your participles
Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
Just between you and I, case is important.
Dont write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
Dont use commas, which arent necessary.
Try to not ever split infinitives.
It is important to use your apostrophes correctly.
Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
Correct speling is essential

Curators at Indias Baroda Museum reportedirreparable damage to a priceless 3,000-year-old mummy, done by an overzealous cleaningperson who apparently opened the mummys case and vacuumed the body. The vacuum removedancient dust, peeled toe paint, sucked off part of the nose, and loosened bandages. An anti-logging protester from radical EarthFirst! was killed near Fortuna, CA, when one of the trees fell on him. In an unconfirmed report, a spokesperson for theItalian Gattinoni fashion house announced Monica Lewinsky has agreed to model a bluetwo-piece suit there during an October “Roma Outsize” fashion show in Milan. Shellsupposedly get $470,000, half of which will go to charity…. Gattinoni recently unveiled a flesh-colored skin-tight “condom dress” decorated withViagra pills. Saturday in Beaumont TX a 20-minute halftimebrawl erupted between the Southern University and Prairie View A&M marching bands asthe formations passed each other. Three people were taken to the hospital, four $5,000tubas were bent, and one saxophone plus several pieces of uniform were reported missing. Avon is finally eschewing its all-door-to-door selling strategy and starting retail discount outlets. Octobers National Geographic will be the magazines first with a scent strip. Its a scientific recreation of Cleopatras perfume.

Frank was walking down the street one day, when he runs into his buddy Joe.

Joe asks Frank how hes doing and Frank replies: N-N-Not b-b-bad, b-b-but Ive d-d-developed th-th-this s-s-stutter from a c-c-car accident I was r-r-recently involved in. N-N-Now my l-l-love life s-s-sucks, and I c-c-cant f-f-find a j-j-job.

Joe tells him of this speech therapist he knows and recommends he go see the guy. Frank agrees and thanks him. A couple of weeks later, they run into each other again, and Joe asks Frank how he made out.

Thank you for the referral. He cured me just by making me talk slower. Now I have a good job and Im engaged to the boss daughter.

Thats excellent! Congratulations! replied Joe.

And off they went their separate ways. Another two weeks or so pass, and once again Frank and Joe meet on the street.

Hey, Frank, hows it going? asks Joe.

T-T-T-T-Terrible, says Frank. Im n-n-no l-l-longer eng-g-g-aged and I l-l-l-ost my job!

Why? What could have happened in two weeks Frank?

W-w-w-well, the other night I was having dinner at the b-b-boss house and the cat was scratching behind his ear. I said L-l-l-l-ook, Honey! T-t-t-t-hats w-w-w-w-hat you d-d-d-d-o to me, but by the time I f-f-f-finished w-w-w-hat I was saying the cat was l-l-l-icking his b-b-balls…

A: Dual Airbags.

A man is holding his wifes hand as she lays on her death
bed.

Jerry, I, . . ., I have something to tell you before I pass
on.

No, no, dear. Everything is forgiven now. All is well.

No, Jerry. Ive been carrying this load for years now, and I
must tell you. I, . . ., Ive been unfaithful to you. I
slept with your best friend, Phil. Im so terribly sorry.

Yes, dear, I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?

Ron Baakkonen U.C. Berkeley

Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!

Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I dont know exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss secretarys sisters next door neighbors priests cousins union shop stewards uncles Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephews best friend did it real cheap for me once.