1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His
8. Valuation: Just Because Its Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, Not the First
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
15. Introduction to Parking
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
24. Dancing: Why Men Dont Like To
25. Sex – Its For Married Couples Too
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
29. Ballet: For Women Only
30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
31. Learning to Go in Public Rest rooms
32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges
33. Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big? – Why Men Lie
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a
beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping
stops. The others look at him curiously.
Thats my pager, he says. I have a microchip under the skin of
my arm.
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm
to his ear. When he finishes he explains, Thats my mobile phone.
I have a microchip in my hand.
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna.
In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending
from his ass. The others raise their eyebrows.
Im getting a fax, he explains.
A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night, she tells each one to write back about their married life.
To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a code to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: Maxwell House Coffee.
The mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, Satisfaction to the last drop…
So the mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married.
After a week, there was a message that read: Rothmans Mattresses.
So the mother looks at the Rothmans Mattresses ad, and it says, Full size, king size.
And the mother is happy.
Then it comes to the third ones wedding. Mother is anxious.
After four weeks came the message: British Airways. And the mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted.
The ad reads: Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.
Q. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A. The 1988 Hide-and-Go-Seek World Champion.
Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters
near Paris found English to be an easy language … until they tried to
pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below
were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said hed prefer six months
at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.
ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF
======================
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how its written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciations OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation — think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Wont it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
Its a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough —
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
Three couples (friends) travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that
their reservations have been screwed up, and they all have to stay in one
room. There are 2 king-sized beds, and it is decided that the men will all
sleep in one, and the women in the other. In the middle of the night, the guy
in the middle wakes up, and says to the man next to him, Let me out. I have
GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had, and Ive
got to get to her NOW!
The other guy says, O.K. Do you want me to come with
you?
What the hell for? asks the other.
Because thats MY dick youre holding! says he.
There was once a Japanese businessman who was engaged in a particular corporate meeting held in a particular business district in the Philipines.
As he stepped out of the aiport, he hailed the local cab, board it and requested his destination to be Manila Hotel. As the cab was attempting to make its way out to the main road, a ramming and screeching sound was heard.
Out passed a Honda Civic CRX Turbo screaming away from the main junction. The Japanese remarked. Mmmm, Honda! Made in Japan, verri powerful. Verri faast!!
Some distance, a white executive sedan whoosh pass along side the cab a high cruising speed. Ahhh, Toyota! Also made in Japan, verri fasto. Also verri good! Very faast
The cab-driver upon hearing the comments, look thru the rear mirror and was quite resented over the Japs proud attitude. At that moment again, another car came ramming fast, overtaking and cutting every car ahead of it.
Mmmm, Mitsubishi! Also Japan, also verri good, very fast. Mmmm!
It was not long after reaching the destinated hotel, the cab halted in front of the lobby door, the cab-driver stared at the meter and proclaimed. That will be US$239.40, sir!
Nan desu-ka! What?, the Jap was astonished. The airport verri near to hotel.
Er, sir, this meter is NEC, made in Japan, very good and very faast.
Buenos Aires (SatireWire.com) — In an effort to fill its depleting ranks of potential leaders, Argentinas Congress today implemented a nationwide draft that requires all citizens age 18 and over to serve as the countrys president for a minimum of two days.
Implementation of the presidential draft is expected to reduce turnover in the position by 50 percent. The decision, however, caused violent unrest in the country of 39 million, as hordes of potential conscripts protested outside government offices.
I love my country, but it is not fair to ask me to sacrifice my future to serve as president, said 19-year-old Manuel Rodriguez, whose low draft number, 0434, makes it likely he will be called up sometime in early 2005.
The nations mothers, meanwhile, joined in the protests. Please do not take my baby away! cried Maria Esconvida, a housewife from Cordoba. Take me instead!
Congressional leaders quickly swore her in before she could take it back.
Copyright © 2000-2002, SatireWire.
A guillotine
Aliens from Somewhere-Out-There just landed on Earth. The Captain and First Mate step out and says: "Creatures of the third planet… erm, we have come from Somewhere-Out-There, and we wish to talk to your leader." No one moves or makes a sound. The First Mate says: "Perhaps they are afraid of us."
The Captain nods and says again in a friendlier voice: "Please, we mean no harm, just let us speak to your leader." Nothing happens. "We mean no harm, we have come in peace." Again nothing happens.
Growing impatient the First Mate says: If you will not take us to your leader, we will have to take one of you on board our ship for examination! When no one makes a move, the Captain pulls out a big laser gun and shouts: "OK, THATS IT, FIRST MATE, TAKE THE ONE ON THE END! CUT HIM AWAY FROM THE EARTH HE LOVES SO MUCH!"
Some blocks away, two police men sit in their car when they see the light from the laser. "Omigod! Did you see that," the first policeman says to the other. They drive to where they saw the light and stop, scratching their heads. "Looks like its been cut off neatly," the first one says. "Yeah, but why? Theyd only get a few dimes out of it." They look around the spot in wonder. And the second says: "Why would anybody want to steal a parking meter?"