Old and New Jokes

Four life-long friends, a doctor, lawyer, professor, and a businessman, belonging to the same exclusive club had made a pact.

When one dies, they agreed, the others will lay $5,000 each on his coffin so hell have some spending money in the after life.

Well, one day the professor passes away. At his funeral the three friends took turns going up to the coffin and paying their respects.

The doctor was first, laying 50 $100 bills inside the casket.

Next was the businessman, tearfully placing his $5,000 cash next to his deceased friend.

Then the lawyer approached the coffin ….. wrote out a check for $15,000 … laid it in the casket, and picked up the 10 grand in cash.

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

Yes, he said. I do. My father taught me. Good. What comes after three. Four, answers the boy.

What comes after six? Seven.

Very good, says the teacher. Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?

A Jack.

One day God was hanging out at the Pearly Gates with St. Paul.

I need to find someone to run for president, he said after a while.

Attentive to his boss needs, St. Paul started naming off a few
qualified candidates.

Nah, I want that guy, he said pointing to a drunken Texas governor
pissing off a balcony.

Youve got to be kidding, said St. Paul, Not only is he dumber than
a box of rocks, hes got drinking and drug problems.

I dont care, said God, This is the guy.

Perplexed, St. Paul asked, What is the problem, Lord, art thou angry
with the Americans?

No, said God, I made a bet with the Devil that I could get a
village idiot to run for president.

But wont that work in the Devils favor, oh Lord? Paul asked.

Thats all right, said God, hell never take Florida.

¿Qué animal pesa 700 kilos por la mañana, 300 al mediodía y 7 en la noche?

La mujer, porque al levantarse su marido le dice apartate vaca, al medio día le dice vamos a ver que hizo la cerda de mi mujer de almuerzo y por la noche no para de decir ven acá conejito.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesnt work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim Youre such a marvel!!, and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout Armageddon is here!!!!!, then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, Give me that computer or youll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week.

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

Q: How many waitresses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. Two to stand around complaining about it and one to go get the manager.

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied
that he did not need a whole head, but only half a head.

The boy said he would ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, There is some arsehole out there who wants to buy only a half-head of lettuce.

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the mall standing right behind him, so he added, and this gentleman wants to buy the other.

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?

The boy replied, Canada sir.

Oh really? Why did you leave Canada? asked the manager.

The boy replied, Theyre all just whores and hockey players up there.

The manager said, My wife is from Canada.

And the boy replied, Really. What team did she play for?

Parkinsons Laws: First Law – Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. Second Law – Expenditures rise to meet income. Fourth Law – The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. Law of Committees – The amount of time spent by a committee on an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item. Fifth Law – If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. Sixth Law – Action expands to fill the void created by human failure.

if Monica Lewinsky opened a barber shop, would it be
called the Cut & Blow?

If the President were a woman, this scandal never would have happened,
because women always keep a box of kleenex on their desks.

– Patrice North-Rudin