Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Delhi!
Delhi who?
Delhicatessen!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Toby!
Toby who?
Toby or not toby, that is the question!

May I speak to the conductorA musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.

The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.

She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, I just like to hear you say it.

Un amigo le pregunta a otro, cuya prometida había roto su compromiso:

¿Qué no le hablaste de tu tío el millonario?

Sí, lo hice

¿Y que pasó?

¡Qué ahora ella se convirtió en mi tía!

Una gringa llega a un hotel y pide un cuarto. El de la recepción le informa:

Sólo tenemos la habitación 194, pero ahí hay garrapatas.

No importa, dámela, exclama la mujer.

Le dan el cuarto y en la noche, cuando ya estaba dormida, entran tres tipos y se la agasajan. A la mañana siguiente, la gringa le reclama al dueño del hotel:

Mister, me mintieron, me dijeron que nomás había garrapatas, y resulta que también había garrachichis, garranalgas y garratodo.

Knock -Knock



Whos there ?





Icy





Icy who ?





Icy (I see) you G -strings

A few childrens books that didnt make the cut:

1. You Are Different and Thats Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dads New Wife Robert

4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

8. All Cats Go to Hell

9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

10. Some Kittens Can Fly

11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

13. Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games

14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyles Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyles Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

What has 18 legs and catches flies?

Name: Expecteria Trouserius (Trouser Snake)

Location: Throughout the world

Description: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra
layers of skin). Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous
spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) Size varies from 3 to 12
inches, depending on its mood & subspecies.

Symptoms: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen,
resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by
excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware:
It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

Habitat: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most
unusual places.

Antidote: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the
venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete
recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

What To Do When Attacked:
Tourniquet: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to
be affected.

Cutting the wound: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as
the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

Sucking the wound: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so
far has not been reported to have led to any success.

Searching for Anti-venom:

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with
the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and
start spitting. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on
the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

4. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

Conclusion:
This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a
vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.