The party of the first part (herein referred to as she), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as him):
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the first date), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.
Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the matchmaker) blameless in the event that the fix-up turns out to be a real loser or psycho bitch. (For definition of real loser, see John DeLorean: My Story, available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For definition of psycho bitch, see Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct or Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.)
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said dating: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are going out. (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are seeing somebody and may be referred to by third parties as an item. Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms girl/boyfriend or lover and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as a couple. Under no circumstances are the phrases my better half, the little woman, the old ball and chain, or my old man/lady acceptable.
Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party gets too serious and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of moving too fast and may once again be said to be on the market.
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; rights or holds on the others time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be missing in action the wounded party agrees to give up.
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the others work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend, and both parties agree to strike the phrase but he/she needs me from their vocabularies.
Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that-respective gross income aside-he will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, this is ridiculous, you pay!
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the Why do I bother to keep my own apartment? codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments.
Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to pick up after himself while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties.By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment a mess.
8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like Lets move in together, Why dont we start a family? and using archaic terminology-Lets get married.
9. THE L WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase I love you. They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other.
Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the G word … Gone.
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds or immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend, Ending any argument with the sentence My ex used to do that same ****
Two blondes were fishing on a river in B.C. They were on opposit sides of the river and using the same tackle. How ever only one young blond was catching fish, and she was catching a lot.
Finaly the other blond couldnt stand it any longer and she asked How do you get to the other side of the river ? The other blond thought about it for a while and finaly answered You are already there.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
Hillary has just released her new book.
It takes a city to satisfy my husband.
Ya gotta feel sorry for all them convicts in New Hampshire, stampin
out license plates that say Live free or Die.
One day there was a blonde complaining to her best friend.
Blonde: Im sick and tired of bieng called a dumb blonde!!
Friend: Well you should prove them wrong somehow. Try learning the state capitals!
Blonde: Great idea!
A few days later,thier was a party and the blondes friend invited her.
Jock: Hey look! Its a dumb blonde!
Blonde: Im not dumb!I know the state capitals!
Jock: Oh yeah? Prove it! Whats the capital of Montana?
Blonde: Thats easy! Its M.
A young man goes to pick up his date at her farm. Having eaten beans for lunch, he is afflicted with the gas. When he arrives, the gruff old man advises him that his date is not ready, and hell have to wait. He doesnt say much else. The young man attempts to strike up a conversation about the weather, the crops, the dog, etc., to no avail.
Soon, the young man has to fart. It occurs to him to go over and pet the dog, and let it out quietly, then the old guy will think the dog did it. Unfortunately, it makes a good braaaap.
The old man looks over and says Duuuuke! Delighted that his ploy has worked, the young man continues to hang out by the dog.
Pretty soon, another leaks out, and again the old man chides Duuuuke!. Now sure that he isnt going to be blamed for the flatulence, the next time, the young man rips out a wall-shaker.
At this, the old man glares over at them, and hollers Duke! Git away from that boy before he shits all over you!
Two cats: Felix & Un-deux-trois, decided to have a race to see who could swim across the river first.Guess who won?Felix! Because Un-deux-trois cat sank.
(Un deux trois quatre cinq)
Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
So they dont crap on the street during parades!
An anagram is, if you dont know, a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever!
Dormitory = Dirty room
Evangelist = Evils agent
Desperation = A rope ends it
The Morse Code = Here come dots
Slot machines = Cash lost in em
Animosity = is no amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze alarms = Alas! No more Zs
Alec Guinness = Genuine class
Semolina = is no meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large picture halls, I bet
A decimal point = Im a dot in place
The earthquakes = That queer shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
Princess Diana = Ascend in Paris
This ones truly amazing:
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to
suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
And the anagram:
In one of the Bards best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet,
queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
And for the grande finale:
Thats one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
The anagram:
Thin man ran, makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon. On to Mars!