Old and New Jokes

Automatic simply means that you cant repair it yourself.

God was a bitch. Thats why testicles are on the outside.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:
Better to be safe than… punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the… bug is close.
Its always darkest before… daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of… termites.
You can lead a horse to water but … how?
Dont bite the hand that… looks dirty.
No news is… impossible.
A miss is as good as a… Mr.
You cant teach an old dog… math.
If you lie down with dogs, you… will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust… me.
The pen is mightier than… the pigs.
An idle mind is… the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, theres… pollution.
Happy is the bride who… gets all the presents.
A penny saved is… not much.
Two is company, threes… The Musketeers.
None are so blind as… Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not… spanked or grounded.
If at first you dont succeed… get new batteries.
You get out of something what you… see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind… get out of the way.
There is no fool like… Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and… you have to blow your nose.

Ratio of an igloos circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton
1 millionth cup of mouthwash = 1 microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because its less filling = 1 light year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
1/2 large intestine = 1 semicolon
1000 aches = 1 megahertz
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
Given the old adage a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, the first step of a one-mile journey = 1 Milwaukee

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, Dont Miss the Amazing Goldstein!

Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts: animals, clowns, contortionists, etc. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There in the middle of the ring is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet tall and barely able to walk to the table. He unzips his pants, whips out his long shlong, and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.

Twenty years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same Dont Miss the Amazing Goldstein.

He cant believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket and sits through various acts. Finally, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. As before, old Goldstein takes forever to make it to the table. He unzips his fly and proceeds to smash the coconuts with three swings of his amazing shlong.

The crowd goes wild! The salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. In Goldsteins dressing room, the salesman tells him hes never seen anything like his act. But he wants to know why hes now smashing coconuts instead of the much easier walnuts.

Vell, says Goldstein, my eyes arent vhat they used to be!

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?Little Stevie raised his hand and said I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette. The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie. Little Susie said, I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche. The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, I would want silicone. The teacher said, Silicone? Why silicone Johnny? Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!

There was a Latino man looking for job.

The boss asked, Do you speak English?

Yes, Senor, he replied.

The boss continued, I will test your comprehension, make a sentence with these three words: Green, pink and yellow.

The Latino man laughed, Thats easy, Senor. Here it is: The phone GREENS, I PINK it up and say YELLOW.

Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About 45 minutes.Whats the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

About 45 minutes.

Yo Mama is so fat, she tried to fit into a pair of BVDs and by the time she got it on, it spelled BOULEVARD.

Yo Mama is so ugly, she went to the beauty parlor and it took her three hours just to get an estimate.

Yo Mama is so old, she went to a museum and they tried to claim her as an exhibit.

Yo Mama is so fat, she jumped in the air and got stuck.

Yo Mama is so old, when God said let there be light, she was there to flick the switch.

Yo Mama is so dumb, she threw a rock at the ground and missed, tripped over the wire of a cordless phone, and got hit by a parked car.

Three coaches flew to the NCAA convention. The plane crashed, all three d ied. All three noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God wanted to know three things: Who are you? What did you do? and What did people think of you?

The first person said, Im Denny Crum. I was the 2nd best coach in the nation. I won 2 national championships and won over 20 games a year and the people of Kentucky think I am great.

God said, Denny, stand to my right.

The next person said, Im John Thompson. I was the 3rd best coach in the nation. I won conference championships and made our program respectable. The people of Washington DC think I am great.

God said, John, stand on my left side.

The third person stood before God and said, Im Bobby Knight. I have won three national championships, two NIT championships, the Pan Am games, the Olympics, nine Big Ten championships, the youngest coach ever to win 600 games and the people of Indiana think you are sitting in my chair.