Old and New Jokes

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has
7 children. Eventually, her husband dies. She remarries
two weeks later, and has 10 children by her next husband.
Eventually, he dies. Soon after her second husbands
death she dies.At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, At
least theyre finally together. A guy sitting in the
front row says, Excuse me father, but do you mean her
and her first husband, or her and her second husband?
The priest says, I mean her legs.

Dont have more than two children in one year

Mens Rules for Women

* If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry… we meant it the other way.

* Department stores and malls were purposely designed so that when you want to look at bed linens, shower curtains or handbags, speakers, tires or sporting equipment are always nearby.

* We dont know ANYTHING about handbags. Please, dont even ask.

* We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why…

* Silence does not always need to be filled with discussions about us and the relationship.

* It is in neither your best interest or ours to take those stupid magazine quizzes together.

* Actually, you probably dont want to know what were thinking.

* Good things for you to help us with: the Sunday crossword puzzle, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

* Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching ESPN, playing cards, and home repair.

* Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.

* Curley is the bald one.

* Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Cal Ripken, Michael Jordan, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, dont expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Kathy Lee Gifford or Suzanne Summers are up to.

* Socks never constitute a gift.

* Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.

* Two hot dogs and a drink at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

* Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both!

* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

* When were turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, your saying This is our exit is not necessary.

* No, you cant have the remote control.

Una pareja llega con el ginecólogo:

Doctor, creo que mi mujer está embarazada.

El médico la chequea y afirma:

No, no está embarazada, sólo son gases.

¿Está seguro, Dr.?

Sí, no se preocupe, sé lo que digo, son sólo gases.

Después de algunos años, el señor estaba caminando con un niño vestido de marinerito y se encuentra con el médico; éste lo saluda muy atentamente y le pregunta:

¿Éste es su hijo?

Sí, Dr., pero para Ud. debe ser un pedo vestido de marinerito.

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?

The mother replies, Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.



OK said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?



They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert, the camel mother answers.



Thanks Mom replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??



The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.



Thats great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but… Mom?



Yes son?



Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?

Did you hear about the politician who dreamt that he was making a speech and woke up to discover he was.

We got off the Titanic first.



We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.



We never ejaculate prematurely.



We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.



We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.



When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous.



When men buy a blow up doll its pathetic.



We dont have to get our strength up between sessions… and its much easier for us to get some in the first place.



We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.



Our boyfriends clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous – guys look like complete idiots in ours.



We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.



We can cry and get off speeding fines.



We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers……



Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.



Taxis stop for us.



Weve never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.



We dont look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking.

What are the first three words in every Mexican cookbook?

Steal a chicken…

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, Id give anything to sink this next putt.

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, Okay, and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.

The same stranger moves to his side and says, Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?

The golfer shrugs and says, Sure. He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?

The golfer says, Certainly! He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, You know, Ive really not been fair with you because you dont know who I am. Im the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.

Nice to meet you, says the golfer. My names…

Father OMalley!