08
Sep

More news clippings

NEW YORK (AP)–Seventy-two percent of Americans who believe in
Heaven rate their chances of going there as good to excellent, but
many say their friends chances are considerably worse, according to a
new poll.

A San Francisco man–wearing a full uniform and carrying a handgun
— impersonated a state fish and game warden for three months,
checking licenses, issuing citations and confiscating fish, officials
say. Brian Anthony Young told The Examiner that he posed as a game
warden out of boredom and drugs. He said he inspected more than 200
fishermen, boats, restaurants and stores.

At an Oklahoma rally for Republican Senator Don Nickles, Reagan urged
his listeners to support the re-election of Don Rickles.

New Delhi, India (AP)–Police kept 3,000 residents of a southern
Indian village indoors Sunday and put up roadblocks to enforce a
government ban on nude worship of a Hindu deity.

The commission that banned the festival was set up after a
confrontation a year ago between opponents of nude worship and the
naked devotees. Members of the pro-modesty faction tried to clothe
the worshipers, but were instead stripped by the devotees.

Several policemen and some journalists were also stripped, which
contributed to a state-wide protest.

The Metropolitan Indians of Italy produced parodies of posters and
graffiti in an attempt to expose the reality behind the empty
sloganizing of the Communists and the Italian Left parties. Examples
from 1972 include: LONG LIVE SACRIFICE, BOSSES POWER, MORE
WORK, LESS PAY, and ALL POWER TO THE DROMEDARIAT.

Representative Tim Moor sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of
Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the House to commend
Albert de Salve for his unselfish service to his country, his state
and his community.

The resolution stated that this compassionate gentlemans
dedication and devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the
lonely throughout the nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of
concern for their future. He has been officially recognized by the
state of Massachusetts for his noted activities and unconventional
techniques involving population control and applied psychology.

The resolution was passed unanimously.

Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the
motion to show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often
without reading them or understanding what they say. Albert de Salve
was the Boston Strangler.

When a street procession re-enacting the crucifixion (Easter, 1984)
was halted by traffic in west London, a group of local youths
surrounded the actor playing Jesus, cut loose his ropes, told him to
run for it and said that they would cover his getaway.

In the autumn of 1983 a tape recording of a telephone conversation
between President Reagan and Prime Minister Thatcher was sent
anonymously to newspapers in various parts of the world. A covering
note claimed that the tape was a recording of a crossed line on which
was heard part of the two leaders telephone conversation.

In January, 1984 the story was taken up by the Sunday Times and
the San Francisco Chronicle. The Sunday Times described the tape as
part of a KGB propaganda war. The U.S. State Department said that the
tape was evidence of an increasingly sophisticated Russian
disinformation campaign.

In fact the tape was made by members of the anarchist punk rock
group Crass. The tape had been produced by using parts of T.V. and
radio broadcasts made by the two leaders, then overdubbed with
telephone noises.

08
Sep

A cannibal and his son

A cannibal and
his son are going to look for food. They hide behind some bushes and waited
for someone to come by.
After a few minutes, a skinny man comes by. The son says "How about
him, dad?" "No," says the father, "hes too skinny."
A short time later, a fat man wanders by. "What about that guy,
dad?" asks the son. "Too much cholesterol."
A little later, a pretty, 20 year old lady walks by. The son asks, "Dad,
how about her?" The father replies "Yes! Lets take her home
and eat your mother!"

08
Sep

Quote from Steve Wright

Steve Wright:

I wrote a song, but I cant read music so I dont know what it is. Every once in a while Ill be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.

08
Sep

Blonde Painter

A blonde was determined to prove to her husband that all blondes were not dumb, so she decided to paint the living room.

Her husband came home and found her painting while wearing a leather jacket with a ski jacket over it.

When he asked her why she was wearing the jackets, she said the instructions said it was better with two coats.

08
Sep

A Fishermans Tale

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didnt know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do – after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

08
Sep

Sad news for the old man in a red suit

NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH… U.P… A.P… BBC… NBC… ETC…

About twelve midnight local time an old man in a red suit and a long white beard was arrested while trying to gain entrance into the white house. Due to all the recent incidents at the white house, security has been extra tight and despite the old mans protest that he was just trying to deliver some gifts, the secret service had him locked up by twelve ten pm.

When the president was contacted his only comment was it must have been Rush Limbaugh, since he knew everyone else in the country loved him.

The old mans transportation (a sleigh and eight animals) was taken to the FBI lab for a complete search.

When the whole incident was over, the president gave a sigh or relief and said MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL is that okay Hill???

Oh well a weak attempt at humor on a full stomach. Eat too much venison for Christmas Dinner. Hope you all have a real nice Christmas and a Happy New Year.

08
Sep

Kids at Christmas: Explain the card to me

A mother was pleased with the card her son had made her for Christmas, but was puzzled as to the scraggly-looking tree from which many presents dangled, and at the very top, something that looked strangely like a bullet.

She asked him if he would explain the drawing and why the tree itself was so bare, instead of a fat pine tree.

Its not a Christmas tree. he said. Its a cartridge in a pear tree.

08
Sep

Incompatible

Once heard from a girl who just broke up with someone:

My old boyfriend and I werent compatible. Im a virgo and hes an asshole!

07
Sep

Q: How many lawyers

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It only takes one to change your bulb…to his.

07
Sep

Vacuum Salesman

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house
in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady
opens the door and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs
inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesnt do wonders cleaning this
up, Ill eat every chunk of it.

She turns to him with a smirk and says, You want ketchup on that?

The salesman says, Why do you ask?

She says, We just moved in and we havent got the electricity turned
on yet.