Old and New Jokes

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city.
When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, Mommy, guess what!
Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the
room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and
then Daddy got on top of her…

Sonnys mother held up her hand. Not another word. Wait till your father
comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what youve just told me.

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, Im
leaving you. Im packing now and Im leaving you.

But why– asked the startled father.

Go ahead, Sonny. Tell Daddy just what you told me.

Well, Sonny said, I was playing in your bedroom closet and Daddy came
upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and
Daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with Uncle John
when Daddy was away last summer.

-Brett

The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

If you cant get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Dont be irreplaceable, if you cant be replaced, you cant be promoted.

It doesnt matter what you do, it only matters what you say youve done and what youre going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you dont succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your bosss boss off your bosss back.

Everything can be filed under miscellaneous.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isnt the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldnt.

If it wasnt for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you dont know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Men are like department stores…. their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like vacations…. they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers… hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers… load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars…. sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee…. the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes…. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers… they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like cement…. after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?” “Phew, that ones easy,” says the teacher, “The Titanic.” “ Alright,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.”
Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?” The thief replied, “Thats a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.” And so he passed through. Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them.”

A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking, and athletic; but the fourth and the youngest is an ugly runt.

Darling wife, The husband whispers, assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if…

The wife gently interrupts him. Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mothers grave that you are his father.

The man dies, happy.

The wife mutters under her breath: Thank God he didnt ask me about the other three!

An 83-year old woman decided that shed seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasnt certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that a midget is watching him. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesnt really become uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs up, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

Wow, comments the midget, those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!

Surprised, yet flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, says the little fellow, but I wonder if you would mind if I touch them.

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he complies with the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the mans balls, and says loudly,
Okay, hand me your wallet or Ill jump off the ladder.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

A lady walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk where the hindges are. He takes her to where they are and she immediately selects the one she needs. The clerk askes her if she wants a screw for the hindge—she says, no, but Ill blow you for the toaster on that shelf.

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jakes wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jakes old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jakes minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?

Well, Jake replied, The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, Is that mule for sale!?