Old and New Jokes

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches have dropped dead from old age. In the monkey cage he discovers two of the oldest chimps have also kicked the bucket. Waste not want not so he puts them in a sack with the finches and later tosses them in the lions cage at feeding time. Oh, no! roars the lion, not finch and chimps again.

A chicken and a horse are playing in a field. The horse falls into a mudpuddle and cant get out.

He tells the chicken to go get the farmer so he can pull the horse out. The chicken looks for the farmer but cant find him.

The chicken takes the keys to the farmers mecedes and brings it to the horse. The chicken ties a rope to the bumper and pulls the horse out.

A few days later the horse and the chicken are playing in the field again, only this time the chicken falls in the mudpuddle.

He tells the horse to go get the farmer to get him out. The horse tells the chicken he has a better idea instead.

The horse stands over the chicken and tells him to grab his tool, and he will pull him out. The chicken did and pulled himself out.

The moral to the story is:

If you are hung like a horse, then you dont need a mercedes to pick up chicks!

This was in 1988 during Rajiv Gandhi and Zial Haq days. Once when RG went to Pakistan on a state visit , ZH showed him the state of the art telephone system of Pakistan. RG even made a call to hell and spoke to his mother Indira Gandhi for about 10 minutes. The bill came to just 1 pakistani rupee.
RG was highly impressed by Pakistans telephone system and after coming back to India ordered the ministry of communications to come up with equally good system in record time so that he too can show it to ZH when he makes a return visit to India after a couple of months. Indeed when ZH came to India , RG showed him the telephone system. ZH spoke to Bhutto in hell for about 10 minutes. The bill came to 300 indian rupees.
ZH made a sarcastic remark about the cost of the call to hell being so expensive . RG was furious and wanted to know why the call to hell was so expensive. The engineers immediately came up with the reason. A call to hell from India is a long distance call,but from Pakistan its a local call only.

Yknow yer a redneck, when someone yells "Hoedown!" and yer date drop tthe floor.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Youre getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty dont have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

Its frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just dont have all the facts.

Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it Closed for remodeling. **caution – leave air holes.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

There were 3 men on a plane a Chinese, Australian and an American. They all had to drop something from the plane otherwise they would crash. So the Chinese person dropped some knives. A father and a son were walking along but knives pierced the son. The father ran home and told his wife what happened, they both cried. The Australian dropped some guns. Another son and father were walking along when all of a sudden the guns smashed the sons head. The father went home told his wife what happened and they both cried. The American dropped . The son went home and a saw his father laughing his head off the son asked, “What’s so funny father?” “Well, when I farted, the next door neighbour’s house exploded!”.

The Pentagon recently discovered it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the generals body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a cheque for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles.

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received.

The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that hed better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the generals penis and began to work back.

My God! he said. Where are your testicles?

The general smiled and replied, In Vietnam.

A man wants to introduce his nephew to the game of sex. The young man is worried that he might not do it right so his uncle comes up with a plan. The young man will get a hooker, wine her and dine her, then take her back to his apartment for a night of pleasure. The uncle will be in the bedroom closet so if the boy has a problem, he can shout it out, and from the closet will come the answer about what to do. That night everything is going according to the plan. When they get back to the apartment the hooker gets into bed while the young man goes to the bathroom to put on a condom. The hooker suddenly gets a cramp and must go to the bathroom now! She feels around the bed and grabs an empty shoe box and takes a big dump in it. Now here comes the young man walking in the dark room. He steps in the shoe box and shouts out, Theres sh*t in the box, theres sh*t in the box . From the closet comes the reply, Then roll her over!

Top Ten Questions on the Spice Girls Application

10. Can you read?
9. Are you allergic to spandex?
8. Are you comfortable with the name Replacement Spice?
7. Would you be willing to go on a lame reunion tour in about four years?
6. Do you have another job lined up when we fire your ass?
5. Were you dumb enough to spend $9 on a ticket for the Spice Girls movie?
4. Oh, and by the way, can you, like, sing or anything?
3. Have you ever taken the SATs?
2. Can you spell SATs?
1. Ever kill a guy?

Kid 1: Hear about the stick-up on the bridge?

Kid 2: No.



Kid 1: Who threw it up there?