Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 1.99904274017, but thats close enough for non-technical people.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?

A: A mad scientist.

Q: Whats another name for the Intel Inside sticker they put on Pentiums?

A: The warning label.

Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?

A: Successive approximations.

Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to:

Divide

ROUND

RANDOM

On a Pentium, all of the above

A: Number 4.

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentiums floating point divider?

A: Life is like a box of chocolates. (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

Q: Why didnt Intel call the Pentium the 586?

A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of IEEE?

A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)
Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Un-employed
Spouses Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___
Mothers Name: _______________________ Fathers Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest
___ Number of times youve seen a UFO ___ Number of times youve seen Elvis ___ Number of times youve seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)dont know

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, And what will your third wish be?



The man looked at the genie and said, Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I havent had a first or second wish yet?



You have had two wishes already, the genie said, but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing,

because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.



Okay, said the man, I dont believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women.



Funny, said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. That was your first wish, too!

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system makers technical support line for assistance:

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: Theres smoke coming from the power supply on my computer.

Tech: Sounds like you need a new power supply.

Cust: No, I dont! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it.

Cust: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command.

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technicians efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded…

Tech: Im sorry. We dont normally tell our customers this, but theres an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

Cust: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes.

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer…

Cust: It didnt work. The power supply is still smoking!

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Cust: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: Well, thats your problem. That version of DOS doesnt include NOSMOKE. Youll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out.

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again…

Cust: I need a new power supply.

Tech: Really? How did you come to that conclusion?

Cust: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you had said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply.

Tech: What did he tell you?

Cust: He said my power supply isnt compatible with NOSMOKE.

Thanx to Gerry Gieger via http://www.allworld.net/allworld/jokes/

An Ashkenazi orthodox rabbi was leading a service, and then the idea popped into his head that there might be Chinese Jews, with Chinese rabbis, with Chinese congregations.


So he goes all the way to China Town in San Francisco from New York to find out.


Sure enough, he comes across a small Chinese congregation with a Chinese rabbi.


He stares for a while. Finally, the rabbi walkes over to him and asks, Are you Jewish?


Yes, why? asks the Ashkenazi rabbi, somewhat puzzled.


You dont look it.

Whats the best thing to come out of a penis?

The wrinkles!

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense? Man: Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, Ill explain what happened.

Judge: Proceed. Man: I got lost in the woods. I hadnt had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish.

I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.

Judge: The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didnt intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you dont mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?

Man: Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.

RECOUNT DEMANDED BY METS

NEW YORK (AP) –The New York Mets announced today that they are going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of Game 5 of the World Series. The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets held a press conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union. We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers, said the Mets batting coach. We were confused by the irregularities of the pitches we received and believe we have been denied our right to hit.

One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not confused by the pitches. Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had in fact faced the Yankees in inter-league play earlier in the year.

The fact remains that some of the pitches confused us and denied us of our right to hit, said the Mets batting coach.

The World Series is not over yet and the Yankees are celebrating prematurely. Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game. While some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World Series, the commissioner said. Another portion of the Mets legal claim stated that, based on on-base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless of the final scores of the games.

Its clear that we were on-base slightly more often than the Yankees, said a Mets spokesman. The World Series crown is rightly ours. The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes we need to let the process run its course without a rush to judgment.

Arbitrator ar-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arbys to work at McDonalds.

Avoidable uh-voy-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney uh-lo-nee: Where some hemlines fall.

Una mujer se levanta por la mañana, despierta a su marido y le dice:

Cariño, he tenido un sueño maravilloso. He soñado que me regalabas un collar de diamantes por mi cumpleaños. ¿Qué querrá decir?

El marido le contesta: Lo sabrás en tu cumpleaños…

Llega el día del cumpleaños de la esposa y el marido entra en casa con un paquete en la mano. La mujer, emocionada, se lo quita de las manos, rasga nerviosa el papel, abre rápidamente la caja y encuentra un libro titulado:

El significado de los sueños.