SADDAM IN FIT AFTER PROZAC RUNS OUT
Amidst the bombing, Saddam Hussein was heard wimpering that he was defying the US led embargo of his country only because it prevented him from getting his prescription for Prozac refilled.
He is suffering the mother of all snits now that his medication has run out. We are fearful to be around him. It would be in the best interest of world peace to get him a megadose of Prozac so he returns to his happy, cheerful self before its too late, one of Saddams close advisors said after being assured anonymity.
A White House source admitted that the President had previously considered the option of a Prozac airdrop over Husseins bunker, but he decided against it, imagining the world with a smiling happy-go-lucky Saddam was just too much.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
74. Take all of your roommates furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
Ive never been better! he boasted. Ive got an eighteen year old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened? the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, No.
The doctor continued, The bear dropped dead in front of him!
Thats impossible! exclaimed the old man. Someone else must have shot that bear.
Thats kind of what Im getting at, replied the doctor.
Paddy and Mick were approaching a pub which had been destroyed by an
IRA bomb only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering
ruins and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held
it for Mick to see.
Shure now Mick, isnt this Sean Murphy?
No, Paddy, no, it couldnt be. Its an amazin resemblance, but Murphy
was shorter than that.
Rich or poor its good to have money.
There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win — they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back."A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"
Football Players in the Mist (1990, PG)
Robert Redford plays a man who learns to live among a group of college
athletes in their natural locker-room habitat and to converse with them
in their own primitive language. He struggles desperately to keep
these intelligent creatures from being hunted to extinction by NCAA
academic requirements, until his own career is tragically ended by
predatory lawyers in a recruitment scandal.
(My mom is responsible for the basic idea.)
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to
7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as dressed up.
10. Youre the one calling the police because those darn kids next door dont know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You dont know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie – its the whole date instead of just the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $
4.00 bottle of wine is no longer pretty good stuff.
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, Ho-Hos.
23. I just cant drink the way I used to replaces Im never going to drink that much again.
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You dont drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
If a Stealth bomber crashes into a forest, does it make a sound?
Merlyn LeRoy
More to the point, if Hellen Keller falls in the forest, does she
make a sound?
A: Only if God can make a barber so big he cant shave himself.
A: You have to hollow out the head.