Old and New Jokes

Save the Save the Whale Foundation.

How do u make a blonde crazy ?
Put her in a circle room and tell her to p in a corner.

You stay up all night coding only to realize that you havent had any caffine in about 6 hours.
You start listening to music and see it properly indented in your head.
You think the cleaning lady is sining in tune.
You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language conform to such absolutely bizare rules of grammer but in a strange way it actually begins to make sense.
You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream).
You realize not only is it day but your project is due in 2 hours, which isnt enough time to even begin running it.
You start customizing your environment because you want it just right (and because further work on the program is futile).
You wonder when the invasion will begin.
You understand #8.
You write a list like this.
You start getting lost in the control syntax (i.e. () {} [] or other meaningless symbols that the high and mighty compiler programmers force down upon us its represion man fight back!).
You dream in 3-D ray traced graphics.
You fail to understand what life would be like without caffine.
You have a gif of your signifigant other and see that more then them.
You become mesmerized by Xeyes (look theyre following me).
You think some comments on this list are funny.
You start signing your name in octal (or binary) just cuz.
You know how to get 2lg(lg(N)) in a guess my number game.
You know more programming commands than actual words.
You realize that you have reached the end, and there is no closing command.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wifes voice urgently warning him, Herman, I just heard on the news that theres a car going the wrong way on

280. Please be careful!

Hell, said Herman, Its not just one car. Its hundreds of them!

One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents
office one day. The President looks up and says, Brother, what is so
important that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?

The Council member finally regains his breath, and says, The Savior is
in the lobby!

The President immediate starts for the door, saying, It has come! The
prophecies are fulfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!

The Council member says, Wait! You didnt let me finish! Shes
black, and SHE IS PISSED!

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So brunettes can understand them.

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop. So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, I have some special sandals I think youd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didnt need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, How could sandals make you into a sex freak? The Pakistani man replied, Just try them on.

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadnt seen in many years— raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guys pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!.

Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of I Love You variations and how to recognize them:

The I Love You, But Im Shy virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
The Unrequited Love virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer function.
The Love The One Youre With virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
The Cant We Just Be Friends virus makes your computer think its interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
The One Night Stand virus invades your computer, turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.
The Happily Married virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.
The Unhappily Married virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.
The I Cant Commit virus hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really just interested in playing with your computers data.
The Its Just A Physical Thing virus invades your computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.
The I Want A Divorce virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your computers best data in an ugly network session.
The Little Virus Of The Evening virus will do anything to your computer, if youre willing to pay the right price.
The Stalker virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.
The Forever Single virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.
The Deadbeat Dad virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
The Married Too Long virus splits your PC into two partitions that never interface-one that does too much online shopping and one that never does anything except monitor espn.com.

A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you cant bring your dog in here.


What do you mean, says the man, this is a Jewish dog. Look.

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

Rover, says the man, daven!.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

Thats fantastic, says the shammas, absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!

You speak to him, says the man, he wants to be a dentist.

One day at the end of class little Billys teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, Dont keep all your eggs in one basket.

Next is little Lucy. Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies Dont count your chickens before theyre hatched.

Last is little Billy. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, Dont fuck with uncle Ted when hes been drinking!