A man asked his wife what shed like for her birthday. Id love to be six again, she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright
and early and off they went to a local theme park.What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of
Fear everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonalds they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie – the latest sci-fi epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a
fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, Well, dear, what was it like being six again? One eye opened. You idiot, I meant my dress size.The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.
He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich!
The panda yells back at the bartender, Hey man, Im a PANDA! Look it up!
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
If your wife asks you to get some groceries, and you put on camoflage and grab a shotgun, you might be a redneck.
You might be a redneck if…
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
You cant tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed
that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
After some wheelin and dealin they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on
the pot before a whole audience and he didnt dance a single step!
So? asked the ducks former owner, did you remember to light the candle under the pot
The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
Elliot, she said, pointing do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?
The husband looked over and nodded.
Well, the woman continued, hes been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!
The husband returned to his meal. Nonsense, he said, even thats not worth so much celebrating!
Top ten sexually suggestive lines in the Star Wars Trilogy
Star Wars
10. Get in there you big furry oaf, I dont care what you smell!
9. Luke, at that speed do you think youll be able to pull out in time?
8. Put that thing away before you get us all killed.
7. Youve got something jammed in here real good.
6. Arent you a little short for a stormtrooper?
5. You came in that thing? Youre braver than I thought.
4. Sorry about the mess…
3. Look at the size of that thing!
2. Curse my metal body, I wasnt fast enough!
1. She may not look like much, but shes got it where it counts, kid.
The Empire Strikes Back
10. I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.
9. Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?
8. Theres an awful lot of moisture in here.
7. But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm…
6. Thats okay, Id like to keep it on manual control for a while.
5. Hurry up, golden-rod…
4. I mustve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled
up like that, huh kid?
3. Possible he came in through the south entrance.
2. And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!
1. Control, control! You must learn control!
Return of the Jedi:
10. Hey, point that thing someplace else.
9. I look forward to completing your training. In time you will
call me master.
8. I never knew I had it in me.
7. There is good in him, Ive felt it.
6. Grab me, Chewie. Im slipping — hold on. Grab it, almost… you
almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie.
5. Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me — now I owe you one.
4. Back door, huh? Good idea!
3. Shes gonna blow!
2. I think youll fit in nicely.
1. Rise, my friend.
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.
I want to go to McDonalds and think that its a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summers day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didnt bother you, because you didnt know what you didnt know and you didnt care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again. I dont want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So….heres my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, youll have to catch me first, cause, Tag! Youre It!