Old and New Jokes

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

Q: How do I know if Im ready for sex?

A: Ask your boyfriend. Hell know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since theyre not as emotionally confused as women. Its a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?

A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?

A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so dont feel ashamed or embarrassed. After youve finished making love, hell have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Dont feel left out – while hes gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. Hell come back when hes ready.

Q: What is after play?

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. After play is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lovers sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?

A: What about it? Theres no such thing. Its a myth!

These Weird Reference Questions are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a better idiot can be invented.

Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?

Do you have that book by Rushdie: Satanic Nurses? (Actual title: Satanic Verses)

I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $

39.

95. Do you know which one it is?

Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites? hahahaha…what a bone head!

Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs? hmmm…I dont recollect any camera-toting cavemen…do you?

Im looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think Im having trouble with it in my neck. (No…thats your brain miss-firing.)

I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months. (I know…how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!)

I need a color photograph of George Washington. (Ok…hold on…Ill check with the caveman…)

Is the basement upstairs? (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) This one gets the golden stupidity award!

Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, Ive lost my dad!

The policeman said, Whats he like?

Little Johnny replied, Beer and women!

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. Its left to the reader as an exercise.

Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met: The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by most congressmen and their wives. The CIA will investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian light-bulb-changing system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval officer. The surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of over-bright light bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot afford them will be introduced by Tip ONeill. President Reagan will give a speech extolling the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip ONeall will initiate a program of free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every congressman will send every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.

What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.

After a few beers the Smartie says Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in town? and the Jelly Bean says No mate, Im a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in.



So Smartie says Dont worry about it, Im a bit of a hard case, Ill look after you. So Jelly Bean says Fair enough, as long as youll look after me. and off they went.



After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under a table, the Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking him, punching him and generally having a laugh.



After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says I thought you were going to look after me?



I was! says Smartie, But those Lockets are menthol!