Old and New Jokes

Its lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.

Where is it that everybody has curly hair?

Africa

What do you call two black guys in a sleeping bag?

Twix

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.

What happened to you feet? his wife asked.

I had a childhood disease called tolio.

Dont you mean polio?

No, tolio, it only affects the toes.

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.

What happened to your knees? she asked.

Well, I also had kneesles.

Dont you mean measles?

No, kneesles, it only affects the knees.

When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said…

Dont tell me, you also had smallcox!

A man had just put his 89 year old father in a nursing home. On the fathers 90th bithday, the son, feeling like he needed to do something sepcial for the old boy, called the local brothel. The Madam explained that she had the good, better, and super sex packages. Being the old mans 90th birthday, the son ordered the super sex package. On the day of the fathers 90th birthday, the madam sends her finest call girl to the old mans room. she bursts through the door wearing nothing but a sexy neglige and says Im here to give you super Sex!. The old man says
Ill have the soup.

A blonde is working at the local Starbucks. A lady walks in and orders an Iced Cappuccino.Do you want it hot or cold?

1. Hey! Its my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. Ive decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, lets pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns Ive never heard before!
8. Since were all here, lets start the service early.
9. Pastor, wed like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,

Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,

That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,

Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman wed built,

Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,

A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as Im speaking, he was high as a kite,

And he yelled to his team, but it didnt sound right.

Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,

Either slow down this rig or Ill cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and dont hit the tree,

Quit shaking the sleigh, cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,

Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,

As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,

When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,

He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile,

The reindeer are pooped, and Ill just stay awhile

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,

Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,

The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,

But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,

The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santas next find,

And six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,

And several more things I shouldnt even mention.

A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,

And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

This stuff aint for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,

So Ill leave em here, and then Ill just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,

With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,

Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,

Saying, Take me home, Rudolf. This nights been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,

The best thing about pussy is you cant wear it out!!

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.