Old and New Jokes

1. Ambos se ven ridículos con sombrero.

2. Se pueden comer cinco kilos de chocolate en una sentada.

3. Ninguno entiende de fútbol.

4. Son perfectos en pretender que están escuchando lo que se les dice.

5. Siempre quieren que se les rasque la espalda.

6. Ninguno puede cuadrar una chequera.

7. Jamás se podrá saber en que están pensando.

Y las 22 razones por las cuales el perro es mejor:

1. Los perros no lloran.

2. Les encanta que uno invite gente a la casa.

3. No les importa que uno use su champú.

4. No esperan que uno los llame para avisar que llega tarde.

5. Cuanto más tarde llegue uno, mejor lo reciben.

6. No les importa que uno juegue con otros perros.

7. No se dan cuenta si uno se equivoca de nombre al llamarlos.

8. Les gusta la patanería.

9. No les importa si uno regala los cachorros.

10. Todo el mundo puede conseguir un perro bonito.

11. Si es espectacular, los otros perros no lo odian.

12. Los perros no van de compras.

13. Les encanta que uno deje desorden en el piso.

14. Nunca necesitan analizar la relación.

15. Sus padres nunca llegan de visita.

16. Les encanta los viajes largos en carro.

17. No odian sus cuerpos.

18. Jamás escuchan a Julio Iglesias.

19. Nunca critican.

20. No esperan recibir regalos.

21. Es lícito tenerlos amarrados en la casa.

22. No les interesa saber como fueron tus antiguas relaciones con otros perros.

Jesus loves you… everyone else thinks youre an asshole.

The nice men are ugly.





The handsome men are not nice.





The handsome and nice men are gay.





The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.





The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have



no money.





The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with



money think we are only after their money.





The handsome men without money are after our money.





The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat



heterosexual, dont think we are beautiful enough.





The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,



somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.





The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and



have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy



and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!





The men who never make the first move, automatically lose



interest in us when we take the initiative.





And yet, WOMEN are the CONFUSING sex?

A man is walking down the beach one day and he finds a lamp. He gives it a rub and out pops a genie. The genie says Since you have released me from my prison you can have three wishes, but with these wishes there is a catch. Whatever you get your mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a minute and says For my first wish I want fifty million dollars.He thinks for a little while longer and says For my second wish I want to be adored by the ten most beautiful women in the world. The genie says You do realize that your mother-in-law gets double of what you just wished for right? The man nods and says For my third wish I want to be beaten half to death

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gretel!
Gretel who!
Gretal long little doggie…!

Ill tell you a short poem;

Ill try to make it quick.

The subject is quite simple:

The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things;

You ladies should be jealous.

An organ surrounded by sensitive skin

Thats smooth and rarely hairless

It starts to grow dramatically,

When youre about thirteen.

Your testicles on either side;

Your willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below;

Soft, obedient and loyal.

At the slightest hint of lust,

Its ready to uncoil.

It often has a mind all of its own;

Its like a wild untamed beast.

It squirms and writhes and stretches out;

When you expect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;

Erecting when it shouldnt.

A bumpy train ride sets it off;

Just when you wish it wouldnt.

And during the summer,

wearing little, sunning on the beach

The slightest sight of shaking boobs

Makes it squirm just like a leech.

Handle it with love and care;

For it can give great pleasure.

Has it grown since last weekend?

And when did you last measure?

Some people fret about its size;

They give it lots of thought.

Is seven inches long enough?

It makes guys quite distraught.

They peek across in urinals,

To compare and try to see

But if another glances back at them

Theres no way they can pee

Masturbating is a sin;

Thats what some folk believe.

But those are just old wives tales;

Cuz it really can relieve.

Without this fabulous organ,

No shag would be complete.

Lesbians will try their best;

But must admit defeat.

It has to main bodily functions

Im sure youll all agree

To start a whole new life

And of course, daily to pee

But I think the thing thats marvellous;

About that one eyed brute

Is that when its trying to procreate,

It knows which fluid to shoot

And always it remains with you;

Until youre old and frail.

Dont take it out in public though,

Or youll be thrown in jail.

And so to summarise Id say with certainty

That every male loves his little friend

But girls, no matter what we do,

Please dont fold, spindle mutilate

And NEVER NEVER Bend!!!

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. He said. The next time I see you, youll have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

Why, thats amazing! the doctor said, Did you follow my instructions?

The blonde nodded. Ill tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.

From hunger, you mean?

No, from skipping!

If he or she is awake.

Whats the difference between a duck?

One of its legs is both the same.

(just say it to confuse people)

An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.The old man is getting ready but cant find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand pounds so that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner.

Well.. she said each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box

And what about the thousand pound? asked the old man.

Well… Replies the woman Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them