I think of you as a sister.
(Youre ugly.)
Theres a slight difference in our ages.
(Youre ugly.)
Im not attracted to you in that way.
(Youre ugly.)
My life is too complicated right now.
(Youre ugly.)
Ive got a girlfriend.
(Youre ugly.)
I dont date women where I work.
(Youre ugly.)
Its not you, its me.
(Youre ugly.)
Im concentrating on my career.
(Youre ugly.)
Im celibate.
(Youre ugly.)
… and the number 1 rejection line given by men
Lets be friends.
(Youre sinfully ugly.)
Theres a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "Im not a bush fan." The teacher says, "Why arent you a bush fan?" Johnny says, "Im an Al Gore fan" The teacher asks why hes an Al Gore fan. The boy says, "Well, my moms an Al Gore fan and my dads an Al Gore fan, so Im an Al Gore fan!" The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if youre mom was a moron and youre dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."
#1 Ropes or chains dear?
#2 Chains tonight!
#1 Leather or rubber?
#2 Rubber and spikes please.
#1 E, amyl, gange or billy?
#2 E and gange please.
#1 K.Y.jelly or Vaseline?
#2 K.Y. please.
#1 Condom?
#2 Naaaaaah!
#1 Ready?
#2 Yes!
#1 Right! Which nightclub shall we go to then?
IBM: Idiots Built Me
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The barman asks him,
You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.
The Irishman replies,
Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America and the others in Australia and Im here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that wed drink this way to remember the days when we drank together
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.
One day he comes in and orders only two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,
I dont want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
Oh no, he says. Everyones fine. Ive just given up drinking.
Im Glad Im A Man
Im glad Im a man, you better believe.
I dont live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I dont bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to – north, south, east or west
I dont get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I dont end up in tears.
I wont spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I dont go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I dont whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
Im glad Im a man, Im so glad I could sing
I dont have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I dont gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I dont carry our differences into the sack.
Ill never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out theres trying to steal you.
Im rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
Its more fun than dealing with women after all
I wont cry if you figure out its not going to work
I wont remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I wont assume its permanent by any measure.
Yes, Im glad Im a man, a man you see
Im glad Im not capable of child delivery
I dont get all bitchy every 28 days
Im glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
Im a man by chance and Im thankful its true
Im so glad Im a man and not a woman like you!
A guy walks into a construction site, sets down his football bat, and orders a beer. The flamingo looks at him and says, Ill bet you $5.00 that you cant stand on your own neck.
The guy replies, Well, if youre out of grilled cheese, then I dont do pianos!
Q. How did Michael Jackson got food poisoning?
A. He ate a 12 year old weiner.
[Ed: Newlywed Game again. This is a rare example of a followup joke. I
normally reject all followup jokes, unless they surpass the original. In
this case it might be true. ]
There was this couple and the man was asked where was the weirdest
place they ever made whoopie. And with confidence, the woman
responds: Got to be in the butt, Bob.
And another section… I think it was on the Pyramid game or something
and the word to get was bread and so the cluegiver says, Dough
and the black man answered, knob.
-MikeP
[Note – the second incident reportedly happened on the game show Password – ed]
Yo mama so ugly, it takes her a half hour to walk a block — cause she stops at all the hydrants!