Yes, I finally got confirmation of my dismal academic status.
I called my mother, and I was telling her about how my classes were going
and what I needed to do to avoid being kicked out of school. After I was
done, there was silence for a minute, and she said in all seriousness,
You know, you would probably do well in the Armed Forces. Sigh.
This is true.
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, were told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens.
In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher.
All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, May I borrow a highlighter?2. Say Uh oh, I knew I shouldnt put my lips on that. 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.4. Say, Hmmm, Ive never seen that color before.5. Drop a marble and say, Oh shoot! My glass eye!6. Say Darn, this water is cold.7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.8. Say, Now how did that get there?9. Say, Humus. Reminds me of humus.10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, Whoa! Easy boy!!11. Say, Interesting….more sinkers than floaters12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?13. Say, Cmon Mr. Happy! Dont fall asleep on me!14. Say, Boy, that sure looks like a maggot15. Say, Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks.17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your Cross-Dressers Anonymous newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, Peek-a-boo!19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing Born Free.20. Fill a flask with lemonade, spray it at the cieling saying Now watch as I catch this in my mouth…
Q: Whats the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?
A: The number of tits!
A pig walks into a bar and orders a beer. After drinking it, he hops off the bar stool, pees on the floor and leaves.
Another pig comes in, drinks his beer, pees on the floor and leaves.
A third and forth piggy come in and do the same exact thing.
Finally, a fifth piggy comes in to the bar and orders a beer. After finishing his beer, he gets off the bar stool and begins to walk out the door.
Before reaching the door, the bartender yells – Hey Pig…arent you going to pee on the floor like the others?
To which the pig replies – No you idiot! Everyone knows that the last little piggy goes WEE WEE WEE – all the way home!
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The Ethical Consumer (or similar) and discover to his/her horror that the manufacturer (Thorn Lighting) is part of Thorn EMI who are involved in, errrr, I dunno, testing software on mainframes or making farms for 3rd world potaters or something.
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Estaban dos borrachitos en una cantina platicando de la vida. Afuera habÃa un burro amarrado a un palo. Entonces uno le dice al otro, qué apuestas a que hago reir a ese burro.
Entonces dice el otro : no, pues te disparo un six de chelas.
El otro borracho contesta entusiasmado, ok, me parece bien, ¿pero que te parece si después lo hago llorar?
No te pases de mentiroso, si lo haces llorar te regalo toda la cantina.
Entonces sale el borracho retador con el burro y le dice un secreto en la oreja. El burro se empieza a reir desenfrenadamente, luego ya que se calma, le dice otro secreto, y el burro empieza a llorar.
Ya que regresa, se encuentra con su amigo que tenÃa una cara enorme del asombro.
Me ganaste, lo acepto, pero antes de que te page, me vas a decir cómo le hiciste.
Muy fácil. Primero fui y le dije que la tenÃa más grande que él. Y luego se la enseñé…
Pepito decide ganar dinero vendiendo huevos y piensa:
Debo ir a un lugar donde haya bastante gente para vender mucho.
AsÃ, recorre las calles hasta que ve mucha gente reunida en la iglesia porque era domingo.
Aquà es donde voy a vender.
Entra y comienza a gritar:
¡Huevos, lleve sus huevos, baratos!
Y toda la gente comienza a reclamar:
¡Niño, por favor, cállate!
Hasta que lo escucha el cura y ordena:
¡Saquen a ese niño de los huevos!
¡No, padre, mejor de la orejita!, suplica Pepito.
Una maestra de muy buen ver se preocupa porque ve con cara de papanatas a uno de sus alumnos; asà que en uno de los recesos lo llama aparte y le pregunta:
¿Qué te pasa, Pepito? ¡Tu trabajo en la escuela ha decaÃdo últimamente!
Estoy enamorado, maestra.
Disimulando una sonrisa la maestra insiste:
¿De quién?
¡De usted!, contesta Pepito sin inmutarse.
Gentilmente la profesora le sigue el juego:
¡Pero, Pepito, eso no está bien! Es verdad que me gustarÃa tener un esposo algún dÃa, pero yo no quiero un niño…
¡Oh, no se preocupe por eso, maestra, usaremos un preservativo!, le interrumpe Pepito.