YO MAMA is so ulgy your daddy takes her to work so he doesnt need to kiss her goodbye
Yo mama is so ugly she makes blind kids cry
Yo mama is so ugly when she passes by your bathroom, the toilet flushes
Yo mama is so ugly the prince eould rather live as a frog than kiss her
Yo mama is so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo mama is so ugly when she was born, her mom said, What a treasure!;and your dad said,Yeah lets go burry it!
Yo mama is so fat even Bill Gates couldnt pay for her liposuction
Yo mama is so fat when she bends over we lose an hour of daylight
Yo mama is so fat the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts
Yo mama is so fat when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas
Yo mama is so fat when she farts she puts herself into an orbit
Yo mama is so fat her belly button has an echo.
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouses armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cats mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, dring glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retriev cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetnus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Force cats mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.
So the Doberman says, I love liver and cheese. The Collie replies, Thats not good enough.
The Bulldog says, I hate liver and cheese. She says, Thats not creative enough.
Finally, the Chihuahua says, Liver alone . . . cheese mine.
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had
called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson
a pig? The judge said that was true.
Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson? the man asked. The judge
replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal
action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, Good afternoon, Mrs.
Johnson.
A mercenary preacher was traveling back from a mission of peace through the jungle when all of a sudden he realized that a lion was behind him. He tried to run, but knowing that he could not outrun the lion, dropped down and started to pray.
Unexpectedly, everything became quiet and when he looked, the lion was praying also.
The priest said to the lion, I didnt know lions prayed.
The lion replied, You are praying. Im saying grace before I gobble you up!
Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A: A flat major.
Q: What do you say to an army officer as youre about to run him (or her) over with a steam roller?
A: B flat, major.
Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
A: C flat major.
Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A: A sharp major.
A politician was running for re-election and was talking at a campaign stop to his constituents.
My opponent has called me a liar. Rest assured, I have never lied to you. The only problem I have is that the facts dont always match up with what I believe.
A Blonde walks into a Restaraunt, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. She looks at the bulletin board and sees a piece of paper that sais Ocean Cruise Only 5$.
She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper.
The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary.
The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stands up and knocks the blonde unconcious.
When the blonde wakes up, shes tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea, when all of a sudden she sees one of her friends, (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her.
The blonde she looks at her freind and says So do you think theyre going to serve us some food on this trip?
And the other blonde replies They didnt serve any last year?
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony.
Why dont you try playing doctor for an hour? Thats what I do, said Irving.
Sounds great, Morris replied, but how do you make it last for an hour?
Thats easy…just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!