When Sting dies, will his tombstone say, Stung?
09
Dec
08
Dec
Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what theyre saying?
Just by following these easy steps, you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander.
What you hear and what it means:
A MEDGEN: visualize, conjure up mentally, John Lennon s first solo album Imagine, as if it was a Bug Hut in the Land of the Long White Cloud.
BETTING: Betting Gloves are worn by betsmen in crucket.
BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the nick and the billy.
BUGGER: As in mine is bugger then yours.
CHULLY BUN: Chilly bin also known as an ESKY
COME YOUSE: Controversial captain of the Australian cricket team who resigned tearfully in favor of Allan Border. Full name: Kimberley John Hughes.
DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy.
ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like Surria, E-Jupp and Libernon.
EKKA DYMOCKS: University staff.
GUESS: Flammable vapor used in stoves.
CHICK OUT CHUCKS: Supermarket point of sale operators.
SENDLES: Sandals, thongs and open shoes.
COLOR: Terminator, violent forecloses of human life.
CUSS: Kiss.
DUCK HID: Term of abuse directed mainly at males.
PHAR LAP: New Zealands famous racehorse christened Phillip but was incorrectly written down as Phar Lap by an Australian racing official who was not well versed in Kiwi-ese.
DUNNESTY: US television soap opera starred Joan Collins as Elixirs Kerrungton.
ERROR ROUTE: Arnotts famous oval-shaped mulk error route buskets.
FITTER CHENEY. A type of long flat pasta, not to be confused with Rugger Tony or Tell ya. Tilly.
08
Dec
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?
She looked at him and indignantly replied: Well Duhhh!, Im still winning.
08
Dec
Una chica sale con un muchacho y éste conduce su coche a una calle oscura, donde se estaciona y empieza a besarla y acariciarla.
La chica primero acepta, pero luego, de golpe, abre la puerta y sale corriendo. Al llegar a su casa escribe en su diario:
Querido diario: las mejores amigas de una mujer son sus piernas.
La semana siguiente se reproduce la misma situación. Calle oscura, comienzan los besos y abrazos, pero la chica se arrepiente, abre la puerta y sale corriendo. Al llegar a la casa vuelve a escribir en el diario:
Querido diario: las mejores amigas de una mujer son sus piernas.
Tercera oportunidad en que se encuentran. Esta vez la chica llega a su casa pasadas las tres de la mañana y escribe en su diario:
Querido diario: a veces hasta las mejores amigas deben separarse.
08
Dec
Un hombre en sus cuarentas compró un BMW y salió a correrlo a la autopista a toda velocidad, cuando de pronto vio la luz roja y azul de una patrulla siguiéndolo.
No hay forma de que me alcancen con este auto, pensó y aceleró a fondo. Tras unos segundos, se dio cuenta del problema en el que se estaba metiendo, y se detuvo a un lado de la carretera.
El policÃa se acercó a él, tomó su licencia sin decir nada, la examinó con cuidado y revisó el auto. Después le dijo:
Mire amigo, ha sido un dÃa muy pesado, estoy a punto de terminar mi turno y además es viernes. No tengo ganas de hacer papeleo, asà que si puede darme una excusa para su exceso de velocidad que no haya escuchado nunca antes, lo dejaré ir.
El tipo lo pensó por un segundo y respondió:
La semana pasada mi esposa se fugó con un policÃa. TenÃa miedo de que usted estuviera tratando de regresármela.
¡Que tenga un bonito fin de semana!, dijo el policÃa.
08
Dec
For the past three years, the government has worked hard and spent many tax dollars to find the approval ratings for unemployment.
They have concluded that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of the working population.
Now lets just hope that the unemployment rate doesnt change.
08
Dec
This black guy walks into this bar, with a parrot.
The bartender asked What would you like?
The parrot said A Budlight
The amazed bartener started to ask the man Where did you get him?
But the parrot interupted Africa!! Theres a thousands of em!
08
Dec
yo mommas so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washingtons nose!
08
Dec
Man is the king of his castle A king is a ruler A ruler is 12 inches Still think youre a man?
08
Dec
Some Words of Wisdom…
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Your kid may be an honor student, but youre still an idiot.
If we arent supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
Few women admit their age and few men act theirs.
I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Its lonely at the top, but you eat better.
LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.
According to my calculations, the problem doesnt exist.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Forget about world peace…Visualize using your turn signal.
WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember youre unique. Just like everyone else.
LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.
PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
There are 3 Kinds of people: Those who can count and those who cant.
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?
DIPLOMACY: The art of saying nice doggie! until you can find a rock.
Lead me not into temptation…I can find it myself.