Old and New Jokes

UNIFIED FIELD THEORY by TIM JOSEPH

In the beginning there was Aristotle,

At objects at rest tended to remain at rest,

And objects in motion tended to come to rest,

And soon everything was at rest,

And God saw that it was boring.

Then God created Newton,

And objects at rest tended to remain at rest,

But objects in motion tended to remain in motion,

And energy was conserved and momentum was conserved

and matter was conserved,

And God saw that it was conservative.

Then God created Einstein,

And everything was relative,

And fast things became short,

And straight things became curved,

And the universe was filled with inertial frames,

And God saw that it was relatively general, but some

of it was especially relative.

Then God created Bohr,

And there was the principle,

And the principle was quantum,

And all things were quantified,

But some things were still relative,

And God saw that it was confusing.

Then God was going to create Ferguson,

And Ferguson would have unified,

And he would have fielded a theory,

And all would have been one,

But it was the seventh day,

And God rested,

And objects at rest tend to remain at rest.

Gore: (G)ennifers (O)nly (R)emaining (E)nterprise

Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes gardener that there was a doubtful looking schoolgirl in Holmes bedroom. Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69.

Good God Holmes! said Watson, What kind of a schoolgirl is this?

Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary.

An Arab, a Russian, a Jamaican, and an American are on a boat. The Russian takes out a big flask of vodka, takes a sip, and then throws it over board. The American asks him why he did that. Where I come from, we have plenty of vodka. Then, the Jamaican takes out a big roll of weed, then smokes a little puff, and throws it over board, and the American asks why he did that. Where I come from, we have plenty of that. The Russian then asks,There must be plenty of something where you come from.

The American then throws the Arab over board.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Mata!
Mata who?
Mata of life and death!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Diploma!
Diploma who?
Diploma to fix the leak!

If there is light at the end of the tunnel…order more tunnel.

Why did they kick all of the midgets out of the nudist colony?

They kept getting in everyones hair.

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?

A stake sandwich…