Old and New Jokes

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But, there is something that is perhaps more dangerous than anything else. The dietician peered into the crowd and asked, Can anyone here tell me what lethal product Im referring to?

A handful of people in the audience raised their hands with possible answers.

Yes, you, sir, in the first row, said the dietician. Please give us your idea.

The man grinned and blurted, Wedding cake!

A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, What
is this, Father? The father responded Son, I have never seen anything
like this in my life, I dont know what it is!

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a
wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with
numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

Smiling, the father turned to his son and said, Go get your Mother.

Im the person youre mother always warned you about.

A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test.

Oh, No! she said but Saint Peter said not to worry hed make it easy.

Who was Gods son? said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said, Andy!

Thats interesting. . . What made you say that? said Saint Peter

Then She started to sing: Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me. . .

Heres a tip for those of you who dont want their partner to leave them.

While they are asleep, put a few nicorette patches (nicotine patches for people trying to give up smoking) on their arm. Remove them before they wake up.

Keep doing this for a while until they are up to the equivalent of about 60 cigarettes a day.

Then, if they should ever leave you theyll get such awful cravings that theyll think they must still love you and come back.

One day a farmer walks into his hen house and notices his rooster is getting old so he goes down to the market and gets a new one. He brings it home and the old rooster starts eying him and says Ok I know youre young and all but we will have a race and who ever wins gets all the hens in the house Ok? The young rooster says OK we will go ten times around and Ill give you a head start. So they start off the first time around the old one was still in the lead. the third he was catching up and by the fith he had caught up. The farmer hearing all th camotion comes in and shots the young rooster and says Damn, thats the tenth gay rooster I bought this year.

Yo mama is like a Hardware Store… 5 cents a screw.

Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A blonde tried to shoot herself!

A prominent Columbia Maryland Yuppette had her teenage niece from New York visiting for the summer. She decided to sit down and have a talk with the girl explaining how things were done in Yuppie City.

Darling, she advised, you must be careful of certain men who offer you several drinks. Before you realize it, theyll push you down on a couch and … well … our family will be disgraced.

Less than a week later, the Aunt asked her how things were going.

Great! said the girl. A young stud did indeed try to ply me with liquor, but I made him drink them. Then, when he was bombed out of his mind, I pushed him down on couch and screwed his brains out. So it looks like our familys doing pretty damn good, huh?