Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats brown and red and black and blue?

A: A brunette whos told one too many blonde jokes.

What do womens breasts and toy cars have in common? Theyre meant for kids but dads end up playing with both!

You might be a redneck if…
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

Hire relationship counselor; see if he and Monica can give it another shot
Run for Mayor of New York and bring back the hookers!
Just enjoy being a regular U.S. citizen…with round-the-clock Secret Service and a $200,000 severance
Every morning check classifieds for job openings under Presidents
Get bitchin Camaro, cruise around Chappaqua for lonely housewives
Wait till statute of limitations runs out, admit everything
Tell Bush, No, you take over in 2004, stay President
Same thing he did back in Arkansas – eat Crisco while watching reruns of Bonanza
Call Al Gore, ask for Lou Zer, hang up
Two words: Temptation Island

©MMI, Viacom Internet Services Inc.

Q: How does Bill Clinton say Im about to hurt you?
A: Trust me.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
Youd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut–you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spiders home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess Ill stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobodys been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While hes in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that youve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While hes in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say We hate Christmas, and Go away Santa.

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

An Irishman, Englishman andScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands themover, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

Va un tipo en su coche por la carretera, cuando ve un letrero en una desviación:

Burdel de las Hermanitas de la Caridad, 1 Km.

Al tipo le pica la curiosidad y se dirige hacia allí. Al final del camino, se encuentra un convento antiguo con un letrero que dice:

Burdel de las Hermanitas de la Caridad.

El degenerado tipo llama al portón y le abre una monjita, quien lo hace pasar. En la entrada de un pasillo se encuentra otra monjita con un cepo y un letrero que dice:

Pague por adelantado: $500 pesos.

El fulano saca sus $500, los mete al cepo, y se va por el pasillo. Al final del pasillo hay una puerta, el tipo la abre y va a dar al lugar en donde dejó su coche. Allí ve un letrero que dice:

Se lo han cogido las Hermanitas de la Caridad. Vuelva pronto.

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.



The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.

At last she said, I sure wish Id gotten to know you sooner!