Thanksgiving Forecast:
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F.The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.During the evening, the turkey will dimish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established.Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day.We expect a warming trend where soup develops.By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
If a listener nods his head when youre explaining your program, wake him up.
Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game. As the game is getting ready to start, Bill stands up, picks up Hillary, and throws her out onto the field. When he sits down, his chief advisor leans over and says, You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you have to throw out the first pitch.
Dear _________________,Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen childrens teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:( ) the tooth could not be found( ) it was not a human tooth( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received( ) the tooth is still in your mouth( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:[ ] string[ ] pliers[ ] gunpowder[ ] hammer marks[ ] chisel[ ] part of skull attached to tooth[ ] no dental care( ) other reasonInstead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.Sincerely, The Tooth Fairy
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much.Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.God then created themonkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree,acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world istoo much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Manand told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. Youwill use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You willdominate the earth and live for 20 years."
And the man responded, "Lord,to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years themule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkeyrejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.
Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding hishouse and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.
Then, in his old age, to live10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.And it is so.
Here is a story about a famous food critics recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cusine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.
Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.
The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monestary, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers.
So he quickly ran down the street to the monestary and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the Fish Friar.
The brother repiled, Nope, Im the Chip Monk!
Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game. And for the third
week in a row, it was raining too hard to play.
Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now?
Bob: Darts?
Bill: Nah.
Bob: Shoot some pool?
Bill: Nah.
Bob: Cards?
Bill: Nah. Hey, Ive got an idea. We can go over to my house and fool around
with my wife.
Bob: Whadaya mean?
Bill: Just what I said. Well go to my house and we can fool around with my
wife.
Bob: What about me?
Bill: Shes a sport. She wont mind at all.
Bob: Well… if you think its okay…
Bill: Sure. Cmon, lets go!
<at Bills house>
Bill: Honey, Im home. Honey. SWEETHEART! Damn! She musta gone shopping.
Tell ya what, Bob. Lets go to YOUR house!
Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nations #1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldnt think twins were so cute.
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
Theyd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
Women would rule the world.
Bholaji goes to the doctor and says Doc, I ache all over. Every where I touch it hurts.
The doc says Ok, touch your elbow.
Bholaji touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doc, surprised,says touch your head.
Bholaji touches his head and jumps in agony.
The doc asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens.
Every where Bholaji touches it hurts like hell.
The doc is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays etc… and tells Bhola to come back after two days.
Two days later Bhola comes back and the doctor says, Weve found your problem…
Oh yeah? what is it ?
Youve broken your finger!