Old and New Jokes

The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

Its possible that my whole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

An older woman was sitting on a bench in the park reading her newspaper when she was interupted by an elderly man who said, Ill bet you cant guess how old I am.

She looked up and said: Take off your hat and coat.

He did and she said: Turn around.

After looking him over carefully, she said: Turn around again.

The old gentleman turned around again and she said: Do it once more.

After he turned around yet another time, the old lady said: Youre 93 years old.

He was astonished and said: Thats really amazing, how did you know?

She said: You told me yesterday.

Retirement is the time of life when you stop lying about your age, and start lying around the house.

A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting. Bernie turns to Marv and says,Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too.

Marv smiles and says, Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?

Bernie says, Youre going to have to help me out here a little. Whats the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?

Marv grins again, Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me…

Yes, yes, thats it! cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife…

Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. Why dont you put your money where your mouth is, he said. I will bet a weeks wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you wont be able to wheel back. Youre on, old man, the braggart replied. Lets see what you got. The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, All right. Get in.

You might be a redneck if…
You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.

A Hasidic Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee drives the Rolls into the banks underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The Hasidic Jew replied, Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?

Theres this old man in a nursing home and hes hornier than hell. So he sees this cute nurse and says, How about a quickie for twenty bucks?

She agrees and gets on top of him. They go at it for about ten minutes. After the act, the old man says, You know, if I knew you were a virgin, I would have paid you a hundred bucks.

In reply, the nurse says, If I knew you could get it up that high, I would have taken off my pantyhose!

Q: How many spies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why bother?

Ten ways to annoy the person in the next toilet…

1. Grunt and strain really loudly for 30 seconds and then drop a rock melon into the bowl from a height of 2 m. Release a relaxed sigh.

2. Fill up a large flask with pumpkin soup. Squirt it erratically under the wall of your neighbor while yelling, Whoa! Easy big boy!

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under your neighbor’s wall. Then say, Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?

5. Say, Cmon Mr Happy, dont fall asleep on me!

6. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall where the person in the next stall can see it.

7. Say, Damn, this waters cold.

8. Say, Hmm, Ive never seen that color before.

9. Say, Interesting… more floaters than sinkers.

10. Drop a marble and say, Oh shit, my glass eye.