A hippy with no job kept begging his girlfriend to marry him. She protested for months saying he needed a job first. He always told her, We can just live on love.
Finally, she relented and they got married. The morning after their honeymoon, she got up and sat on the heater. The hippy asked, What are you doing?
She replied, Heating your breakfast.
That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping
my husband company while I go for a swim?
Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think Ill go
introduce myself!
His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and Im
happy for them both.
If he doesnt let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.
Im sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned
waiter with a heart of gold any day!
Were redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him
with the color choices!
He talks our relationship to death! Its making me crazy!
Why
I just realized — my butt doesnt look fat in this — my butt *is* fat!
Q: How many Duke students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three – one to change the bulb, and two to crack under the pressure.
There is nothing so habit-forming as money.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
I was sitting behind a car at a stop light the other day and I noticed
that it had a bumper sticker that read Honk if you love Jesus. So
I thought about it a bit and since I loved Jesus, I honked my horn.
I was very suprised when the driver of the car got out and yelled,
The light is still red you asshole!!!! got back in the car and drove
off through the light which had just turned green.
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me – all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, Maam, he said, do all these children and this luggage belong to you? Yes, sir, my mother said with a sigh, theyre all mine. The customs agent began his interrogation: Maam, do you have any weapons, contrabond or illegal drugs in your possession? Sir, she calmly answered, if Id had any of those items, I would have used them by now.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down
Specify that your drive-through order is to go.
If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.
Sing along at the opera.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to keep them tuned up.
Reply to everything someone says with thats what YOU think.
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and cc. them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words in accordance with prophesy.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and accidentally flip the cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you like it that way.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: Do you hear that?, What? Never mind, its gone now.
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, No, wait, I messed it up, and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
In the memo field of all your checks, write for sensual massage.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesnt rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about psychological profiles.
TELL YOUR FRIENDS 4 DAYS PRIOR, THAT YOU CANT ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOURE NOT IN THE MOOD!
Send this list to everyone in your e-mail address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.
Working for the military one often runs across some interesting stuff …
From a Russian document:
one of the serious problems in planning against American doctrine is that the Americans do not read their manuals nor do they feel any obligations to follow their doctrine.
Quote from a German general officer:
The reason that the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices chaos on a daily basis.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.