Old and New Jokes

Hillary has just released her new book.

It takes a city to satisfy my husband.

Ya gotta feel sorry for all them convicts in New Hampshire, stampin
out license plates that say Live free or Die.

One day there was a blonde complaining to her best friend.

Blonde: Im sick and tired of bieng called a dumb blonde!!

Friend: Well you should prove them wrong somehow. Try learning the state capitals!

Blonde: Great idea!

A few days later,thier was a party and the blondes friend invited her.

Jock: Hey look! Its a dumb blonde!

Blonde: Im not dumb!I know the state capitals!

Jock: Oh yeah? Prove it! Whats the capital of Montana?

Blonde: Thats easy! Its M.

A young man goes to pick up his date at her farm. Having eaten beans for lunch, he is afflicted with the gas. When he arrives, the gruff old man advises him that his date is not ready, and hell have to wait. He doesnt say much else. The young man attempts to strike up a conversation about the weather, the crops, the dog, etc., to no avail.

Soon, the young man has to fart. It occurs to him to go over and pet the dog, and let it out quietly, then the old guy will think the dog did it. Unfortunately, it makes a good braaaap.

The old man looks over and says Duuuuke! Delighted that his ploy has worked, the young man continues to hang out by the dog.

Pretty soon, another leaks out, and again the old man chides Duuuuke!. Now sure that he isnt going to be blamed for the flatulence, the next time, the young man rips out a wall-shaker.

At this, the old man glares over at them, and hollers Duke! Git away from that boy before he shits all over you!

Two cats: Felix & Un-deux-trois, decided to have a race to see who could swim across the river first.Guess who won?Felix! Because Un-deux-trois cat sank.
(Un deux trois quatre cinq)

Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
So they dont crap on the street during parades!

An anagram is, if you dont know, a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever!

Dormitory = Dirty room

Evangelist = Evils agent

Desperation = A rope ends it

The Morse Code = Here come dots

Slot machines = Cash lost in em

Animosity = is no amity

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

Snooze alarms = Alas! No more Zs

Alec Guinness = Genuine class

Semolina = is no meal

The Public Art Galleries = Large picture halls, I bet

A decimal point = Im a dot in place

The earthquakes = That queer shake

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Contradiction = Accord not in it

Princess Diana = Ascend in Paris

This ones truly amazing:

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to
suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

And the anagram:

In one of the Bards best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet,
queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

And for the grande finale:

Thats one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

The anagram:

Thin man ran, makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon. On to Mars!

There was a man who really took good care of his body. He lifted
weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the
mirror – yes, he was a bit vain – and noticed that he was tan all over
except for his penis. So, he decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the
sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon
encountering the penis sticking up over the sand, she began to move it
around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, Theres no justice
in the world.

The other lady asked what she meant.

The lady with the cane replied,

When I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I forgot about it.

Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and Im
too old to squat.

knock-knock
whs there?
Sham
Sham who?
oh im sorry i didnt know you were talking to your mom
im not im tallking to you
oh i thought you said Shammo

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway