Old and New Jokes

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats. The one on the left costs $500, says the store owner. Why so much? asks the customer.



Because it can program in C, answers the store owner. The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology.



The startled man then asks about the third monkey. That one costs $3000, answers the store owner.



3000 dollars!! exclaims the man. What can that one do? To which the owner replies, To be honest, Ive never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant.

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team’s response times. “Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,” bragged one, “we’ve cut our emergency response time by ten percent.”



“Not bad,” the second paramedic commented. “But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we we cut our average time by 20 percent.”



“That’s nothing said the third paramedic. “Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we’ve cut our emergency response time in half!”

An asian walks up to a jew waiting at a bus stop and says ,can you tell me when the next bus is due.


The jew says ten minutes time you mother fukka.

This couple was getting ready to go to bed and when the husband came in from the bathroom his wife was rubbing this cream all over her tits. He said what the hell are you doing.

She said she was unhappy about the size of her breasts and this cream was supposed to make them larger. But it really doesnt seem to be working she said.

The husband said wait a minute I have an idea. So he went into the bathroom and came back with a roll of toilet paper and started rubbing it all over her tits.

She said what are you doing?

He said well, I figured you have been wiping your ass with this for years and look how big it has gotten!

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. (Normally
one club and two balls)
Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep balls out of the hole.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club
to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.
Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the
course again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take
time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well
formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.
Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment
for this reason.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the
first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if
they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a
private course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
careful in this situation. More advanced players will find
alternate means of play when this is the case.
Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course
owners request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.
The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Payment for membership is dependent upon the given course.
Additional assessment may be levied by the course owner and the
rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer
to continue to play several different courses.

My favourite two campus practical jokes:

1. Arrange the light switches in a lavatory and an adjacent room so that
flipping one switch also flips the other. Consider the resultant scene
(visible from the outside just by watching the windows): the rooms resident
retires for the evening, turning off his (or her) light. Some time later,
someone else decides to use the head, and turns on the light. After a few
minutes, the resident awakes, decides that someone is pulling a fast one,
and turns the light off … on the guy (or girl) who is by now seated on
the throne! If it works correctly, the two unfortunates end up standing
at their respective light switches, with the lights oscillating rapidly
(by which time the perpetrators are rolling on the ground outside laughing
their heads off).

2. This prank happened a number of years ago. Two guys had been pulling
practical jokes on each other for quite a while. Finally, one of them got
a pair of rather large (and LOUD) firecrackers, and wired them to light
bulb bases with nichrome wire such that applying power would set off the
firecrackers. One of the devices was installed in the victims room, the
other in the perpetrators.

That evening, the victim returned to his room, and turned on the light.
There was a short delay as the fuse burned, and during that delay the victim
(quite naturally) turned to see what was wrong with the light–BLAM! Well,
the victim was (quite naturally) upset and flustered and resolved to do some-
thing appropriately horrendous to the perpetrators room. He went over to
the perpetrators room, his own counter-prank in hand, went in, and turned
on the light. When nothing happened, his reflexes again betrayed him: he
looked up at the light–BLAM!

Apparently, the victim never bothered to counter-stack the perpetrator.

Fritz Nordby. fritz@vlsi.caltech.edu cit-vax!fritz

How do you know when Michael Jackson is having a party?

Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden.

Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.

Youll never get that worm back in his hole, said the old man.

Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.

After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.

Billy! Youre a genius, exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.

Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.

Grampa, said the boy, You already gave me a dollar.

No, replied grampa, That dollars from grandma!

1:00 am – Alarm clock rings
2:00 am – Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
2:30 am – Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pick-up
3:00 am – Leave for the deep woods
3:15 am – Back home to pick up gun
3:30 am – Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent
4:00 am – Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight
4:30 am – Set up camp
6:05 am – Head for the woods
6:06 am – See eight deer
6:07 am – Take aim and squeeze the trigger
6:08 am – CLICK
8:00 am – Load gun while watching deer go over the hill
9:00 am – Head back to camp
12:00 NOON – Fire gun for help–eat wild berries
12:15 pm – Run out of bullets–eight deer come back
12:20 pm – Strange feeling in stomach
12:30 pm – Realize you ate poison berries
12:45 pm – Rescued
12:55 pm – Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped
3:00 pm – Arrive back at camp
3:30 pm – Leave camp to kill deer
4:00 pm – Return to camp for bullets
4:01 pm – Load gun–Leave camp again
5:00 pm – Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
6:00 pm – Arrive at camp–see deer grazing in camp
6:01 pm – Load gun
6:02 pm – Fire gun
6:03 pm – One dead pick-up
6:05 pm – Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer
6:06 pm – Repress desire to shoot hunting partner
6:07 pm – Fall into fire
6:10 pm – Change clothes–throw burned ones onto fire
6:15 pm – Take pick-up, leave hunting partner and his deer in camp
6:25 pm – Pick-up boils over–hole shot in block
6:26 pm – Start walking
6:30 pm – Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud
6:35 pm – Meet bear
6:36 pm – Take aim
6:37 pm – Fire gun, blow up barrel–plugged with mud
6:38 pm – Mess pants
6:39 pm – Climb tree
9:00 pm – Bear leaves. Wrap *$%!@#$% gun around tree

Midnight – Home at last

[Note – Copyright Paul Auger (pauger@gwi.net) – ed.]

As a poor student, these are things you definitely would NOT want to see happen at the ATM…



* You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: Not worth wasting paper., and ejects your card.



* You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: Account not found. and keeps your card.



* You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.



* You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!, and ejects your card clear across the room.



* You think youve got £100 in your account and go to take out £50, and the screen says: Not in this lifetime. and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.



* You go to the ATM, and theres a picture of you a-la-Most Wanted staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well. -or-

Wanted by the environmental police for creating unnecessary paper trash.