Old and New Jokes

(This is original, copyright 1989 Tony Lovell)

The dew was still wet as the prisoner was let out into the yard for the last
time. The soldiers of the firing detail shuffled out to their usual
positions as the guards led the prisoner to the stake at the far end of the
paddock. There, he was securely bound as the captain of the guards stepped
forward to contend with the final courtesies.

Blindfold? he inquired.

No, thank you, said the condemned.

The captain was a little taken aback at the difficulty and leaned forward so
as not to be heard.

Please, he said, take the blindfold. It is not an act of cowardice to be
spared this spectacle. It makes it MUCH easier for you.

The condemned thought for a moment and relented. The blindfold was tied
over his eyes.

Cigarette? offered the captain.

No thanks, said the prisoner, I dont smoke.

Here again the captain paused and thought of a tactful approach. He leaned
in and spoke in a confidential tone.

No matter. Please take the cigarette. It makes it MUCH easier for the men
on the firing squad.

(I dont think it needs to be stated that this might be offensive to smokers.)

Two dumb blondes were driving through the middle of Kansas where there was nothing around for miles but wheatfields. One blonde says, “Look over there!” There was another blonde wearing scuba gear and acting like she was swimming through the wheat. The other blonde says, “Look over there!” where there was still another blonde in a boat. The blonde driving said, “Its people like that that give us blondes a bad name.” The other blonde said, “Yeah! And if I knew how to swim Id go out there and beat the crap out of them!”

Female makes the rules.
Rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior
notification.
Male cant possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are
not permitted.
If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she
must immediately change some or all of the rules.
Female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding
which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do, or did
not say.
Rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having been the
cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he
did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
Female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all.
Male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without
the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the
female wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish. See
rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.
Female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined,
at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole judgement she deems
appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the
females being angry or upset. The female may, however, give false or misleading
reasons to see if the male is paying attention. See rule 13.
Male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry
or upset.
No circumstances may the female give the male any clue or indication whether
or why she wants him to be angry or upset.
Male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times. Failure to do
so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of
the female.
Female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident
without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish,
of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the male that he is now or
has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or
oafish.
Female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the
ways in which the male has failed to accord her the consideration, respect,
devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed on other females, domestic
pets or barnyard animals, sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats,
aircraft, or coworkers. Such illustrations are non-rebuttable.
The female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is
permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors she wishes without regard to
logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior.
Act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought, opinion, or
belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of the
female, other external factors not-withstanding. Alibis, excuses, explanations,
defenses, reasons, extenuations, or rationalizations will not be entertained.
Abject pleas for mercy and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances,
especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition.

Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully, the divorce court judge said, and Ive decided to give your wife $775 a week.

Thats very fair, your honor, the husband said. And every now and then Ill try to send her a few bucks myself.

Ever notice how so many of womens problems can be traced to the male gender?

MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology, HIMmorrhoids…

Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, It had to be a mechanical engineer, look at all the joints.

Another said, No, it had to be an electrical engineer, the nervous system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections.

The third said, Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?

A Jewish man sits next to two Arab men on a flight from New York to Miami. The Jewish man kicks off his shoes. Meanwhile, one of the Arabs says he would like a coke. Since he was by the aisle, the Jewish man says, Ill get it for you, and goes off in his stockinged feet. While he was gone, one of the Arab men spit into the Jewish fellows left shoe. Later, the other Arab man says that he too would like a coke, and the Jewish man goes off to fetch it. This time, his right shoe gets spitted into.

As the flight was ending, the Jewsih man slid his shoes back on and through his socks, he felt the squishiness. He immediately figured out what had happened and exclaimed, When will it end!!?? When will all this enmity cease, the hatred, the anger, the spitting in shoes and the pishing in coca cola!!??

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.

Mommy, what happened to him? the little boy asked. He died and went to heaven, she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said, And God threw him back down?

Q Whats the difference between engagement and hemaroihds?

A When the hemaroihds are over you at least get the ring back !!!!

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husbands early films end with a scream and a flush.

4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of rich usually cancels out the nice of bald.

5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if theyre really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

7. If its attention you want, dont get involved with a man during play-off season.

8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

12. Dont try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

17. All men hate to hear We need to talk about our relationship. These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

20. All men think that theyre nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

21. Men dont get cellulite. God might just be a man.

22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. Ive never seen a man walk into a party and say Oh, my God, Im so embarrassed; get me out of here. Theres another man wearing a black tuxedo.

25. Most men hate to shop. Thats why the mens department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

27. If youre dating a man who you think might be Mr. Right, if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders outfits get tighter and briefer, and players shorts get baggier and longer.

29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie The Way We Were twice, voluntarily.

34. Most women are introspective: Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled? Most men are outrospective: Did my team win? Hows my car?

35. If a man says, Ill call you, and he doesnt, he didnt forget… he didnt lose your number… he didnt die. He just didnt want to call you.

36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, Are we going to have sex again? He said, Yes, but not with each other.

37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. Get out and I never want to see you again might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, I love you… I want to marry you… I want to have your children. Sometimes they leave skid marks.

39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: Mitch, you look great. Mitch:Thanks. On the other side: Ruth, you look great. Ruth: I do? Must be the lighting.

40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when shes wearing a jumpsuit.

43. Men dont feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Womens dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

48. Thats why men need instant replays in sports. Theyve already forgotten what happened.

49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

50. All men would still really like to own a train set.