20
Aug

God and the Deluge

(I dont remember where I heard this, but I dont think it was in church…)

During a particularly wet winter, flood waters rise so high in one
town that the national guard evacuates all the residents. One man
stays behind, however, and when the water is waist-high, two national
guardsmen in a boat motor past his house, checking for people left
behind.

Were evacuating the town because of the flood! Jump in the boat
and well carry you to safety!

But the man says, No, dont bother; Ive led a pious life, and the
Lord will save me.

The men in the boat shrug their shoulders and motor away. Later,
when the water level has driven the man onto his roof, another boat
appears.

Havent you heard the town has been evacuated? Come on, well save
you!

But the man sends them away again, saying No, no, the Lord will save
me!

The water level keeps rising until the man is standing on his chimney
and barely keeping his head above water, and a helicopter, doing a
final check, appears overhead. It drops a rope, and the loudspeaker
says, Grab the rope and well bring you to safety!

But the man waves the helicopter away, once again saying, No, the
Lord will save me!

But the water level keeps rising, and he drowns.

When he gets to heaven, he is completely bewildered. He asks God,
God, why didnt you save me?

And God says, Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter.

19
Aug

Yo mama is so fat

Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.

19
Aug

Fully Loaded

A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex.

To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his tool of the trade. But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young mans sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, So thats how you guys load those things!

19
Aug

Reality TV… Texas style

Network TV is reported to be developing a Texas version of Survivor, the recent popular TV show.

Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock. Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: Im for Gore, Im gay, and Im here to take your guns.

The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner.

19
Aug

Question answer

Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go cheep!

What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
Beans on post!

19
Aug

Sports Fishing

While out Sports Fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted: Are there any gators around here!?

Naw, the man hollered back, They aint been around for years!

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, Howd you get rid of the gators?

We didnt do nothin, the beachcomber replied.

Wow, said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, The Sharks got em.

19
Aug

A play on Computer Lingo.

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

2. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key

3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

4. 2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of

2.

5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

8. C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL

9. C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN

10. -{—– The information went data way ——–[

11. Best file compression around: DEL . = 100% compression

12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding

14. The name is Baud……, James Baud.

15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

16. Access denied–nah nah na nah nah!

17. C: Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

19. Why doesnt DOS ever say EXCELLENT command or filename!

20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

21. Southern DOS: Yall reckon? (Yep/Nope)

22. Backups? We don NEED no steenking backups.

23. E Pluribus Modem

24. … File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny

26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/n)?

29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

30. A computers attention span is as long as its power cord.

31. 11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbors Pentium.

32. 24 hours in a day…24 beers in a case…coincidence?

33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

36. Whos General Failure & why is he reading my disk?

37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.

39. Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…

40. All computers wait at the same speed.

41. DEFINITION: Computer – A device designed to speed and automate errors.

42. Go ahead, make my data!

43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..

44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…

45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

46. E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage.

47. Help! Im modeming… and I cant hang up!!!

48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

50. 640K ought to be enough for anybody. – Bill Gates, 1981

51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

53. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…

54. Press any key…… no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!

55. Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue …

19
Aug

A Blonde and a Brunette

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street when the brunette says, “Look, a dead bird!” So the blonde looks up!

19
Aug

11th at August

A man, who was an average golfer, was on the 11th tee at Augusta. He promptly shanks a shot into the trees. Upon discovering his ball, he found it to be next to a witch.



The witch was stirring a pot of golfers brew. The gentleman asked the witch what the brew was for. The witch responded that the brew would do two things; first he would become the best golfer in the world and secondly his sex life would go to hell. And like most golfers I know, he choose the brew and better golf.



A year goes by and the man has won every major championship and is world renowned for his golf game. But, upon arriving at the 11th tee at Augusta, he hits a shot in the same woods where he reunits with the witch.



The witch remembers him and asks, Hows your golf game? He responds, Fantastic! Then she says, Hows your sex life? He responds, Not bad…



The witch says Not Bad? What do you mean not bad?? The man says Twice last year. The witch says Most people think twice in a year is terrible.



The man answers Well its not bad for a priest in a small parrish.


19
Aug

Escaped Murderer

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15
years and was on the run. He broke into a house and
tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the
man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife
to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on
the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck.
His wife started to move her head violently, at which
the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to
his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him
kissing you. He probably hasnt seen a woman in years.
Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever
you do dont fight him or make him mad. Our lives
may depend on it!"
"Darling," the wife said, spitting out
her gag. "Im so relieved you feel that way.
He wasnt kissing me, he was whispering to me. He
told me he thinks youre really cute and asked if
we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."