One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.
He was very furious and said, Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!
Yes Sir, Mr. President, the interior decorator replies.
Ill take those mirrors out right away!
Oy of the Beholder – Singles kvetch about their awful dates.
Girls, Interrupted – Womens section of Shul shusshed during davening (prayers).
The Seder House Rules – Zaydie lays down the law on Pesach.
Angelas Kashas – Woman reveals secret recipes.
The Six Cents – Three Jews each put in their two-cents worth.
Snow Falling on Seders – Unexpected storm disrupts Passover.
Supernova – Space scientists discover powerful strain of lox.
Dreydel Will Rock – Chanukah toy comes alive.
Sleepy Hallah – On Friday night, father fills up on bread, dozes off.
Stuart Ladle – Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.
The Whole Nine Yids – Struggling shul waits for tenth.
The Green Mohel – Young man performs first circumcision
Mun on the Moon – Astronauts discover hamantaschen filling, not green cheese, on lunar surface.
Gonif with the Wind – A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.
The Putzman Rings Twice – A mohel murder mystery
Schnorer Rae – A freeloader tries to get in on the union movement
Balaboosta Cockburn – John Waynes wife memorizes Grossinger cookbook
The Good, the Chabbad, and the Ugly – A kosher noodle western
Moby Dreck – Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale
The Cincinnati Yid – Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings to start a reform congregation
Litvak Big Man – Dustin Hoffman learns that his parents are an American Indian and a Lithuanian immigrant
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kibbitzer – Paul Newman and Robert Redford do some standup shtick while they rob their victims.
Bridge over the River Kvetch – The extras complain that whistling the theme song dries out their mouth and hurts their lips
The Creature from the Black Latke – An overdone potato pancake turns into a monster
Mamza Poppins – A talented nanny has questions about her birth legitimacy
The Matzo Candidate – Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking its always Passover
Mister Schnapps Goes to Washington – Jimmy Stewart thinks hes still filming Harvey
Driedls of the Lost Ark – Harrison Ford plays Chanukah games
Aleph Doesnt Live Here Anymore – Neither the waitress nor the old Hebrew school can be found
Borscht-time for Bonzo – Ronald Regan tries to train an Ashkenazy monkey
Singing in the Chrain – Gene Kelly gets horseradish on his umbrella
I was watching a documentary on Aleut life yesterday.
The father of the family was telling his clan that the Aleuts were generally very slow to accept modern technology. In fact they suspected it a great deal.
One pregnant woman complained to the doctor that a stuck phonograph record had affected her unborn child.
Nonsense, said the doctor, I dont see how it could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother.
a jewish mom is walking to the store on her way there she finds a 100 dollar bill and go in the store to buy some jewish candy but she cant couse the cash is mexica money so she gets the candy and goes up to the cashier and says this is all i whant ok thatll be 2.50 so she gives the money to him and he says this is mexican money you stopid jew!
Whats black and white, black and brown, and black and black? A nun on a spit!
Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised a guarenteed college education for anyone wanting one
President Bill Clinton: Proposing to spend $98 million–it will only cover 4,800 students in the freshman class at the University of Maryland
Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised 10% income surtax on millionaires
President Bill Clinton: Wants to impose the surtax on those with taxable incomes greater than $250,000
Candidate Bill Clinton: Would raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $200,000
President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $30,000
Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed to be able to reduce the deficit by taxing rich, foreigners, and corporate polluters
President Bill Clinton: Said he cannot reduce the deficit without taxing the elderly, motorists, and farmers
Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised workers he would require their employers to pay for retraining
President Bill Clinton: Put that idea on hold
Random Access Memory – When you cant remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when wife asks about it
If Radio Shack ran Christmas…
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.
Un lunes la maestra le dijo a sus estudiantes: Niños, para el viernes voy hacer una pregunta de geografÃa y el que la responda no viene a clase el próximo lunes.
Pepito, que era el más vago de todos, con tal de no ir el lunes estudió como loco toda la semana. El viernes la profesora escribió en el pizarrón: ¿Cuantos kilómetros hay entre Nueva York y el Cairo?
Nadie respondió correctamente.
Pepito estaba frustrado por todo lo que habÃa estudiado. La próxima semana hago una pregunta de historia dijo la profesora.
Pepito no estudió nada y el jueves por la noche compró dos huevos y los pintó de negro. Al dÃa siguiente, cuando la profesora se voltea a escribir la pregunta de historia, Pepito sacó los huevos negros y los lanzó contra el tablero.
Furiosa, la profesora grita: ¿Quién fue el rebelde de los huevos negros?
Pepito contesta: ¡Martin Luther King, profesora, y nos vemos el próximo martes!