An inventor goes into a bank and asks the Banker for a loan to help him maufacture a new product. The Banker tells him he needs to see the product, first.
The man pulls a small envelope out of his pocket and empties the contents, an orange powder, onto the desk. Thats my invention! You dump this onto a womans pussy and it makes it taste like ORANGES! FRESH SQUEEZED ORANGES! He shouts.
The banker is not impressed. He says, Thats obscene, I wont loan the banks money on something like that! GET OUT!
The inventor leaves, but the next week hes back and makes a $5,000 deposit. The next day he deposits $10,000. The thrid day its $20,000. The banker sees this and apologizes to the man.
The inventor tells him, No, you where right! I was wrong. You straightened me out. Ive come up with someting much better and I owe it all to you! Thats why I using your bank!
The banker asks what his new invention is. The guy smiles and pulls out another small envelope and dumps this pink powder out on his desk. You see that? he says, Thats my new product! You just sprinkle that on an ORANGE…….
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thelonius!
Thelonius who?
Thelonius kid in town!
Q. Why was the blondes bellybutton bruised?
A. Her husband was blond too.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck cant, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass!
One day an engineer is going into a new grocery shop on the outskirts
of town. When just inside, he sees a sign which says:
CONDOMS: SOLD & FITTED.
He looks around and calls for service. Then, an exceptionally attractive
young lady emerges.
Do you work here? he asks.
Yes, she replied.
And is the statement on the sign over there true?
The lady leans over the counter and says seductively, Yes.
Tell me, he asks, who fits them?
I do, said the lady.
Well, said the engineer, would you please wash your hands and give
me a pound of tomatoes?
Peter OToole
Trinity College Dublin.
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial…
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station … a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
A character dumps his/her girlfriend/boyfriend for a good reason.Jerry invites Newman into his apartment.Susan lets George keep any sort of private information secret.Jerry dates a woman over a size 12.A character goes out with someone for a full week and doesnt have sex (other than when they were dating Marla the Virgin)Uncle Leo accuses nobody of being an Anti-Semite.Steinbrenner shuts up for a minute and lets George talk.Mr. Peterman enters a conversation without telling a boring anecdote.Kramer knocks before entering Jerrys apartment.Kramer gets a real job.Kramer gets evicted for not paying his rent since he has no source of income.The owner of Monks kicks them out for sitting there for 30 minutes without ordering anything.
An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didnt say anything feeling himself a guest and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the Americans dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver.
Listen. he says, When you went through the red light, I didnt say anything. But why on earth are you stopping at a green light?
The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged: Are you crazy?!, he shouts. The other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?
A gentleman broom met a lady broom in the back of a hardware store. When they fell in love, he shyly said Youre the broom Ive been waiting for.
As the months went by their romance bloomed midst many a mop and brush.
Then there came a day when she broke the news, with a wink and a charming blush.
Im expecting a baby broom, she said; but he wasnt at all upset.
You must be kidding, he said for we havent swept together yet.
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their
nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.When the bus arrives,they find it overloaded and only the wife and the
nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man
decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking
of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the side walk and says to him:
Why dont you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick, that ticking
sound is driving me crazy!
The blind man replies:
If you wouldve put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, wed be riding
the bus, so shut the heck up!