Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didnt know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do – after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH… U.P… A.P… BBC… NBC… ETC…
About twelve midnight local time an old man in a red suit and a long white beard was arrested while trying to gain entrance into the white house. Due to all the recent incidents at the white house, security has been extra tight and despite the old mans protest that he was just trying to deliver some gifts, the secret service had him locked up by twelve ten pm.
When the president was contacted his only comment was it must have been Rush Limbaugh, since he knew everyone else in the country loved him.
The old mans transportation (a sleigh and eight animals) was taken to the FBI lab for a complete search.
When the whole incident was over, the president gave a sigh or relief and said MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL is that okay Hill???
Oh well a weak attempt at humor on a full stomach. Eat too much venison for Christmas Dinner. Hope you all have a real nice Christmas and a Happy New Year.
A mother was pleased with the card her son had made her for Christmas, but was puzzled as to the scraggly-looking tree from which many presents dangled, and at the very top, something that looked strangely like a bullet.
She asked him if he would explain the drawing and why the tree itself was so bare, instead of a fat pine tree.
Its not a Christmas tree. he said. Its a cartridge in a pear tree.
Once heard from a girl who just broke up with someone:
My old boyfriend and I werent compatible. Im a virgo and hes an asshole!
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It only takes one to change your bulb…to his.
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house
in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady
opens the door and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs
inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesnt do wonders cleaning this
up, Ill eat every chunk of it.
She turns to him with a smirk and says, You want ketchup on that?
The salesman says, Why do you ask?
She says, We just moved in and we havent got the electricity turned
on yet.
President Clinton is invited by George Steinbrenner to opening day at Yankee Stadium. Mr. Steinbrenner asks the President, Mr. President . . . Bill . . . since you are my special guest, and today is opening day, wed like for you to throw out the first pitch.
President Clinton say excitedly, SURE, ID LOVE TOO…SOUUUIIEEEE!
So before the game begins, the President is introduced to the crowd . . . the crowd applauds…Bill does the Presidential wave thing…and then, he picks up Hillary, raises her above his head, and gives her the good heave ho straight across home plate. SOUUUUIIEEEE. The crowd goes WILD!
George Steinbrenner puts his hand on Clinton shoulder and says, That was just FANTASTIC…but I said throw out the first PITCH!
Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.
The first guy said, My wife, she thinks so much of me that she wont let me do any work around the house. Its incredible!
The second guy says, Thats nothing. My wife thinks Im God!
She thinks youre God? What makes you say that?
Easy…Every night she places a burnt offering before me!
ABC Americas Mickey Mouse Network
Allstate Sears-ious Insurance
AOL Weve Got You by the Wires
AT&T No, WEVE Got You by the Wires
Burger King Wait for It Your Way
CBS Welcome Home. Hey, Where the Hell Is Everyone?
Chevrolet GEO Whiz, We Like Toyota
Chrysler The Mercedes-Benz of American Cars
Coca-Cola New Coke Was Pepsis Idea
Democratic National Party Bill Clinton? Never Heard of Him
Disney Available in Stores for a Limited Time Only
Eveready Nothing Really Keeps on Going Forever
Ford Quality is Somebody Elses Job
Ernest & Julio Gallo: We Will Have No Hangover before Its Time
General Electric Were a Lot Like RCA
Honda Just As Good As Hyundai. Really
IBM Windows Is Just a Fad
JERZEES Fit to a T
KIA Killed in Action?
Little Debbie Snackcakes Our Name Says It All
LOreal Im Worth It, and Whats It To Ya?
Maytag The Fix Is On
McDonalds Did Somebody Say Cholesterol?
Microsoft Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
NBC Formerly Known As Must See TV
Nike Just Do It and Get Arrested
Norelco Running Circles around Blades
Old Navy Can You Ever Forgive Us?
Oscar Meyer We Are NOT about Spelling
Pepsi-Cola That Clear Crap Was Cokes Idea
Pizza Hut Nobody Beats Our Meat Lovers Special
?Que Pasa? Not Really a Name Brand
RCA Going to the Dogs
Republican National Party The Potatoe People
Sony We Just Cant Top the Walkman
Sprite Obey Our Ads
Seven-Up Up Yours, Cola Bastards
Subway We Are Not Public Transportation, Dammit
Toyota Slightly Better Than Hyundai
Unicorns Sorry We Missed the Ark
Volkswagen Buyers Wanted. Hey, Were Dying Out Here
Whirlpool Not Nearly As Wet As We Sound
Xerox The Original Copycats
Young Again We Wish
Zebra Sort of Like a Black and White Striped Horse
Zerox See Us at Xerox
1. Download a piece of Web authoring software – 20 minutes.
2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page – 6 weeks.
3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it – 20 minutes.
4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site – 1 minute.
5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like – 4 days.
6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again – 25 minutes.
7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do – 15 minutes.
8. View the source of others pages, steal some, change a few words here and there – 4 hours.
9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software – 1 minute.
10. Try to horizontally line up two related images – 6 hours.
11. Remove one of the images – 10 seconds.
12. Set the texts font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone – 4 hours.
13. Download a counter from your ISP – 4 minutes.
14. Try to figure out why your counter reads You are visitor number -16.3 E10 – 3 hours.
15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text – 8 hours.
16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP – 40 minutes.
17. Accidentally delete your complete web page – 1 second.
18. Recreate your web page – 2 days.
19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISPs server – 3 weeks.
20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP – 30 minutes.
21. Download FTP software – 10 minutes.
22. Call your friend again – 15 minutes.
23. Upload your web page to your ISPs server – 10 minutes.
24. Connect to your site on the web – 1 minute.
25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps – eternity.