Old and New Jokes

Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator. – Claude Shouse

A blonde walked up to a man and said, “Give me your wallet.” The man said, “Okay, but give me the gun.”The blonde gave him the gun and the man gave his wallet. The man used the gun to steal his wallet back.The blonde said, “Youre an idiot — theres no bullets in the gun.” The man replied, “Youre the idiot — theres no money in the wallet.”

Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode into a saloon. He sidled up to the bar, ordered shot and a beer, and settled back to enjoy his refreshment. Suddenly, a man galloped into the bar, shouting, Run for your lives! Big Mikes comin! The drifter watched as most of the locals bolted for the door. Suddenly, the bar doors burst open. An enormous man, standing eight feet tall and weighing at least 400 pounds, rode in on a bull. Grabbing the drifter by the ankle, he tossed him over the bar and thundered, Gimme a drink! The terrified fellow handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man guzzled in a single gulp and then shattered on the bar. The drifter stood aghast as the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched the broken glass and smacked his lips with relish. Can I, ah, get you another, sir? the drifter stammered. Naw, I gotta git, the man grunted. Big Mikes comin.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one! Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, Damn it, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!

This was heard on a local radio station:

We recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with large thighs
or women with thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising.

10% of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs.

10% of the men preferred women with thin thighs.

And the other 80% preferred whats in-between.

This comes from Herve Negres Dictionnaire des histoires droles, Livre de Poche.

This guy and this gal had just finished making love. He whispered in her ear, Tell me, am I the first?

Of course you are, my darling, she answered, but why do all you men have the same question?

the police searched michael jacksons house they found class a drugs in the lounge, class b drugs in the kitchen and class 5c in the bedroom!

He went to the post office to pick up a job application. He got in line at about 2:50 PM. By the time he got to the counter it was 3:05. He asked the clerk for a job application. She told him the employment office was only open from 1:00 to 3:00.

He told her he had been in line since before 3:00 and he only wanted to pick up an application. She repeated through gritted teeth that the employment office was only open from 1:00 to 3:00.

He told her, Listen all I want is an application. I dont care if you hire me or not. Id like an application and by law you have to give one to me.

She glared at him, went in the back room, came back with the application and threw it across the counter at him. As he picked it up and was leaving, he said to her, No wonder you guys shoot each other.

How can you tell the car of the Southern Jewish cousin in a synagogue parking lot during a NY Bar Mitzvah?

Its the Cadillac with the gun rack.

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange for some real money (USD), so I went to the money exchange window at the local bank. It was a short line, with just one guy in front of me. He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.

In a thick accent, he asked the teller, Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen – today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?

The teller says, Fluctuations.

The Asian guy says, Fluc you Americans too!