Old and New Jokes

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?

Billy Bob replied, I would switch the points for one of the trains.

What if the lever broke? asked the inspector.

Then Id dash down out of the signal box, said Billy Bob, and Id use the manual lever over there.

What if that had been struck by lightning?

Then, Billy Bob continued, Id run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.

What if the phone was busy?

Well in that case, persevered Billy Bob, Id rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.

What if that was vandalized?

Oh, well then Id run into town and go get my Uncle Lester.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, Why would you do that?

Billy Bob answered, Well, Uncle Lester aint never seen a train wreck!

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.

Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, Honey, are you feeling all right?



Not really, the blonde replied. Im nauseous from sitting backward on the train.



Poor dear, Mom said. Why didnt you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?



I couldnt, she replied, there was no one there.

An accountant decided to leave his wife one day.



He left her a note saying:



Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So Im leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. Well be staying at the Sheraton.



He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:



Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And Im sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE NO.7[The. Indianapolis Star] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion – Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Vuilleumiers Laws For Building Electronic Prototypes: First Law – Any pre-cut equipment is too short; this is specially true of optic fiber cables with expensive connectors at both ends. Second Law – If n electronic components are required, n-1 are available. Third Law (also known as Selective Gravitational Field) – Any tool escaping manipulators hands will not necessarily follow Earths gravitational field, but will land in the most unreachable location in the prototype, smashing on its way the most expensive component of the prototype; this will know only one exception if the tool is particularly heavy, in which case it will land on the manipulators foot. Fourth Law – When proteup first, thankfully leaving the fuses intact. Fifth Law – Prototype npn blackboxes actually hold pnp transistors, and vice-versa. Sixth Law – A quartz oscillator oscillates at a frequency off the rated one by a minimum of 25%, if it does oscillate at all. Seventh Law – When the prototype has been fully assembled according to lab instructions, a minimum of 11 components are left.

Why does Bill Clinton wear womens underwear on his arm?

Because he is trying to quit.

Advise is Cheap, because supply always exceeds demand.

The new University of Georgia Campus Phone books arrived last month, with an AOL start up disk attached to each book. Now, thousands of AOL diskettes exist on the University campus, with most students at a loss as to what they can do with them. Here are a few suggestions given by a fellow UGA student …

— Original message —

Question: So what do you guys do with the AOL promo discs that seem to be everywhere? What can you do? Ive got about 3 of them now, and dont really want to throw them away. Thanks!

Ans the answer:

Use them as coaters at your christmas parties and social occasions.

Decorate the tree with them. Also useful for this are promotional CD-ROMs.

Tile your bathroom walls! They also make an attractive and functional kitchen countertop.

Give them to kids as frisbees.

Subscribe to AOL! Wait a sec, what am I thinking? Nevermind that one, weve got MUSIC.

For those of you celebrating Haunakkah (sp?), drive nail through center: Instant Dredel!

Chew toys for the dog.

Make a mobile for over the babys crib: Motion of info-packed magnetic media fosters early intellectual activity in the developing mind.

Post-it-notes? Forget it! AOL disks are much more durable, cheaper and readily available.

Send them as Christmas gifts to your worst enemies!

Jones was having difficulties in business. If I had as little as a thousand dollars in actual cash right now, this minute, he said to his wife sadly, it might make all the difference.If that is all, said Mrs. Jones, then all is well.She ran upstairs and came down with a large jar filled with bills.Ive kept this as a secret nest egg. You see, ever since we got married, I put a ten-dollar bill into the jar every time we made love. You can have it now. Theres almost three thousand dollars there.Jones looked at the jar with stupefaction. Finally he said, Oh, if only I had given you all of my business.

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, Ill give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, It was St.Patrick.

The teacher said, Sorry Sean, thats not correct.

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, It was St. Andrew.

The teacher replied, Im sorry, Hamish, thats not right either.

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, It was Jesus Christ.

The teacher said, Thats absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and Ill give you the $2.

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, You know Marvin, since youre Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.

Marvin replied, Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!