Old and New Jokes

A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, Leroy. Yes, she replied, All three sons are named Leroy.

Why would you do that?, inquired the government worker.

It makes it much easier to get things done., was her reply. Leroy, time for bath. And they all would get in the bath. Leroy, time for supper. And they all would come to the table.

Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.

Oh thats easy, she replied. I just call them by their last name.

It was finals week at the college. The students had filed into the
auditorium, and picked up their blue-books for the test. This particular
class had been in aviaian biology and identification. The professor
was known to give very difficult finals, and weighed them heavily in
the grade.

Looking down to the table in the front of the room, the students
saw several stands with stuffed and mounted birds. They could see that
they were birds, as the feet were visible below the burlap sacks that
had been placed over them. And beside each was a small sign with a
number.

The bell rang, the professor allowed a moment for the noise to die
down, and them addressed the class. Todays final will count, as you
know, for a large percentage of the grade. But the directions for the
test are simple. You are to identify each of the birds on the table
before you. Write the number, and the latin and common name of the
creature associated with it, on your paper. When you have completed the
identifications, you may leave. Begin. With that he sat down.

One of the students, a few rows back from the front gestured for
the profs attention, and asked a question, Uh, professor, are you
going to remove the sacks so we can see the birds?

No… If youve been following the lectures through the term, you
should be able to identify each of them by its feet alone. You should
have realized the areas that I was stressing, in class and in the
reading assignments.

The student, becoming a little alarmed, You mean, you expect
us to be able to know one of these from the others just by its feet.
Thats unreasonable.

Im sorry youre dismayed by this test. Perhaps if youll begin
itll go better than you expect, and then the others can begin
also.

No, this is absurd. Im not going to take this test. This is
outrageous. Im leaving. And the student begins to gather up his
pencils, and day-pack.

If youre leaving, tell me your name, so I can mark you off in my
book now, please.

The irate student, holding up his feet so the
prof can see them, replies, YOU FIGURE IT OUT!

Benton Holzwarth
bentonh@tekig5.TEK.COM

An American tourist had visited all the usual sights. Hed seen the Sydney Harbor and everything else, but he wanted to see the *real* Australia. So there he found himself, on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah. There wasnt much to see. There was a drought on it was hot and the wind was blowing dust everywhere. He got off the train and made for the pub, sweating and cursing as he swatted in vain at the clouds of files that buzzed around him. The pubs only customer, a bloke in a blue singlet, greeted him with a Gday! The American ordered a beer. Yank eh? quizzed the Aussie. Sure am buddy, the Yank replied. Waddya think of this part of Australia, yank? the bloke asked. I think its got to be the a**hole of the world, the Yank replied. There was a five second pause as the local sucked on his smoke. Then he asked: You just passing through?

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because its been thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.

Note: Sever of the jokes below relate to Ivy league schools. No offense was meant by them.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

La fiesta de cumpleaños de Juanita iba a celebrarse y la mamá no quería que invitara a Pepito porque era muy grosero; pero ella suplicó y la madre accedió con una condición:

Por favor, dile a Pepito que se comporte y no sea majadero.

El día de la fiesta, conforme van llegando los niños, son formados en la entrada para quitarles su suéter y colgarlo en el armario. Al llegar todos los niños, el payaso que ameniza la fiesta comienza con las adivinanzas para repartir los premios:

A ver, niños: lana sube, lana baja, ¿qué es?

Pepito fue el único que levantó la mano y cuando el payaso le pide que responda, Pepito contesta:

La verga.

La mamá de Juanita, enojada, ordena:

El suéter de Pepito porque ya se va.

Juanita se tira al suelo haciendo un berrinche y rogando:

¡Por favor, mamá, deja que se quede, te prometo que es la última grosería que hace!

No, es un majadero y te lo advertí.

Pero de tanto llorar, la mamá accede a la petición de su hija.

El payaso sigue:

Niños: ¿agua pasa por mi casa, cate de mi corazón?

Ningún niño levanta la mano, a excepción de Pepito, y el payaso, nervioso, pide:

¿Quién más? ¿Algún otro niño?

Como nadie responde, no le queda más que preguntarle a Pepito y éste responde:

La verga.

Ahora sí, el suéter de Pepito, pide la mamá de Juanita.

Juanita se tira al suelo:

¡No, mamá, por favor, te lo ruego, que no se vaya, él es el alma de las fiestas!

Y convence a la mamá.

Pero si vuelve a decir otra grosería, te juro que ahora sí se va.

El payaso continúa con las adivinanzas:

¿Entra parado, sale mojado y huele a pescado?

De inmediato se levanta Pepito:

¡Mi suéter, por favor, porque ahora sí, de que es la verga es la verga!

(No pienses mal, es el buzo)

1. Ambos se ven ridículos con sombrero.

2. Se pueden comer cinco kilos de chocolate en una sentada.

3. Ninguno entiende de fútbol.

4. Son perfectos en pretender que están escuchando lo que se les dice.

5. Siempre quieren que se les rasque la espalda.

6. Ninguno puede cuadrar una chequera.

7. Jamás se podrá saber en que están pensando.

Y las 22 razones por las cuales el perro es mejor:

1. Los perros no lloran.

2. Les encanta que uno invite gente a la casa.

3. No les importa que uno use su champú.

4. No esperan que uno los llame para avisar que llega tarde.

5. Cuanto más tarde llegue uno, mejor lo reciben.

6. No les importa que uno juegue con otros perros.

7. No se dan cuenta si uno se equivoca de nombre al llamarlos.

8. Les gusta la patanería.

9. No les importa si uno regala los cachorros.

10. Todo el mundo puede conseguir un perro bonito.

11. Si es espectacular, los otros perros no lo odian.

12. Los perros no van de compras.

13. Les encanta que uno deje desorden en el piso.

14. Nunca necesitan analizar la relación.

15. Sus padres nunca llegan de visita.

16. Les encanta los viajes largos en carro.

17. No odian sus cuerpos.

18. Jamás escuchan a Julio Iglesias.

19. Nunca critican.

20. No esperan recibir regalos.

21. Es lícito tenerlos amarrados en la casa.

22. No les interesa saber como fueron tus antiguas relaciones con otros perros.

Jesus loves you… everyone else thinks youre an asshole.

The nice men are ugly.





The handsome men are not nice.





The handsome and nice men are gay.





The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.





The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have



no money.





The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with



money think we are only after their money.





The handsome men without money are after our money.





The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat



heterosexual, dont think we are beautiful enough.





The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,



somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.





The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and



have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy



and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!





The men who never make the first move, automatically lose



interest in us when we take the initiative.





And yet, WOMEN are the CONFUSING sex?

A man is walking down the beach one day and he finds a lamp. He gives it a rub and out pops a genie. The genie says Since you have released me from my prison you can have three wishes, but with these wishes there is a catch. Whatever you get your mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a minute and says For my first wish I want fifty million dollars.He thinks for a little while longer and says For my second wish I want to be adored by the ten most beautiful women in the world. The genie says You do realize that your mother-in-law gets double of what you just wished for right? The man nods and says For my third wish I want to be beaten half to death