Old and New Jokes

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Maw is outside hanging up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse.

Paw says, All right, Maw. Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it and says, Maw, there aint nothin wrong with this here outhouse!

Maw says, Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole.

Paw says, I aint puttin my head in that there hole!

Maw says, Well your gonna have to if youre gonna fix the problem!

So Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and then hollers, Maw, there aint nothin wrong with this here outhouse!

Maw hollers, Now pull your head out of the hole.

Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beards stuck in the wood cracks in the seat!

Maw says, Aggravatin, aint it?

My friend Joe and I were crusing down the street in Joes new car, when we came to an intersection. Even though we had the red light, he drove right through, nearly hitting a passing car. What the heck are you doing, Joe! I asked him after I had regained my wits.



Bill always does it, he replied calmly. A block later was another red, but Joe pushed the petal to the metal, almost killing us. Bill always does it, he said again.



At the next intersection we had a green light, and Joe slammed on the brakes. Your supposed to go, I told him. Get going!



But Bill might be coming! he exclaimed.

So, four nuns die at about the same time, and are waiting at the pearly gates to consult St. Peter. He says, Next!

He asks the first nun, Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask this: Have you ever come in contact with a penis?

The first nun says, embarrased, Well, I was a nurse for a while, Mr. Peter, so, yes, I had to touch a few penises in my time…

St. Peter says, No problem! Just wash your hands out in that there fountain of holy water, and go right in! So the nun washes her hands, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the first nun walks right in.

Then St. Peter asks the second nun, Have you ever come in contact with a penis?

The second nun says, embarrassed, Well, once I was trying to convert some people, and I wandered into a movie theater by accident. There was a penis on the screen…

Not to worry! laughs St. Peter. Just wash your eyes out in the fountain of holy water over there, and youre set! So the nun washes her eyes, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the second nun walks right in.

Then St. Peter begins to ask the third nun. Have you ever come in cont…

Suddenly, the fourth nun interrupts! Um, Mr. Peter, I reeeaaaallly have to go first!

Be patient, child, youll have your turn, says St. Peter. He turns to the third one again. Now, have you ever come in contact with…

Mr. PETER!!!! The fourth one screams. I REALLY have to go first. Ill ask you in just a moment! I have to ask this young lady first!

NO WAY! the fourth one says, practically fuming. Im not gonna was out my mouth in that fountain after she washes her ass out in it!!

Become a French fry fat consultant for McDonalds.
Partner with Dick Morris in operating a really strange bi-partisan 900 sex-talk line.
Represent Oprah in suing mad cows.
Chair the health-care task force when Hillary is elected President.
Sell access to high-ranking Democrats on the Home Shopping Network. In China.
Open a dating service for government interns.
Become a highly-paid beach dancer in Miami.
Model jogging shorts designed especially for white thighs.
Get revenge by talking Janet Reno into appointing him Special Persecutor.
Sign on with a circus as Schmucko the Clown.
Invite former girlfriends to attend Tuppernose parties.

From Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy

Colloquium announcement:

Research shows the first five minutes of life
can be the most risky.

Hand-written note underneath:

The last five minutes arent so hot either.

Whats the national language of India?
C++.

Grease her hips and push.

A man goes into the doctors office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says I have some news. You have HAGS.

What is HAGS the man asks. Its herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis says the doctor.

Oh my God says the man. What are you going to do?

We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.

Is that going to help me? says the man.

No says the doctor. But its the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door

1. I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Hey, you mustve been doin about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

3. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

4. Youre not gonna check the trunk, are you?

5. I pay your salary!

6. Gee, Officer! Thats terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

7. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. Thats how far ahead of me they are.

8. Officer, I swear to drunk Im god!!

9. Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize my radar detector wasnt plugged in.

10. When the Officer says Gee Son…. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking? You probably shouldnt respond with, Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?