Old and New Jokes

1. You stand in line-ups at the movie, not lines.

2. Youre not offended by the term, Homo Milk

3. You understand the phrase, Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine

4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.

5. You drink pop, not soda.

6. You know what it means to be on pogey.

7. You know that a mickey and 2-4s mean Party at the camp, eh!!

8. You dont hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.

9. You can drink legally while still a teen.

10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.

11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.

12. You dont know or care about the fuss with Cuba, its just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.

13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.

14. Youre not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and dont want to know if he has!

15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.

17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield – that is some small town in Quebec!

19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.

20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

21. You know that Thrills are something to chew and taste like soap.

22. You know that Mounties dont always look like that

23. You read rather than scanned this list.

You pick your teeth from a catalog.

Youve ever financed a tattoo.

You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the day my ship came in.

A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to their business. Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say moo. Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, Moo? Whats the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ? Isnt it obvious? the bull replies. We bulls wobble, but we dont fall down.

Mother:
How is your history paper coming along, dear?

Daughter:
Well, my history professor suggested that I use the
Internet for research and its been very helpful.

Mother:
Really?

Daughter:
Yes, and so far Ive located 17 people who sell them!

One day, it was actually the first day of school and there teacher could not make it so a sub was asigned the job. And this sub just happened to be a blonde. The sub was mad because she had the craving to rip off her boyfriends head off for cheating on her. So in the heat of the momment the teacher said everyone who wants to fuck me please stand up and all the boys stood up then the teacher had relized what she had said but she really needed this so one by one the a boy was called in the closet and was fucked. At the end of the day the teacher said every boy who is happy please stand up and they all stood up the next day there actual teacher came back the boys waited for the question when ther questiopn did not come up a boy stood up in the middle of the class and said treacher when are you goiung to fuck us.

Estaba San Pedro recibiendo a las almitas en el paraíso: Ven hijo ¿de donde eres?

Ecuatoriano, San Pedrito.

Pasa hijo al paraiso, dice San Pedro.

Llega otro: Ven hijo ¿de donde eres?

Chileno San Pedrito.

Pasa hijo al paraiso, dice San Pedro.

Llega otro: Ven hijo ¿de donde eres?

¡Argentino, por supuesto!

San Pedro se queda pensando y le dice:

Pasa hijo… ojala te guste.

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.



What for?!?!? he snapped at the judge.



His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: Twenty dollars contempt of court! Thats why!



Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: Thats all right. You dont have to pay now.



The young man replied, I know. But Im just seeing if I have enough for two more words.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Keep your employees in the dark and occasionally throw shit at them.

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.