Old and New Jokes

A little boy was in a relatives wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between brides side and grooms side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, I was just being the Ring Bear!

Actual comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness registration sheets and comment cards:

Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.

Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.

Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.

All the mile markers are missing this year.

Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.

Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.

Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call __ __ __.

Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.

Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.

Need more signs to keep area pristine.

A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.

The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.

Too many rocks in the mountains.

An elderly couple were driving across the country.

The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, Maam did you know you were speeding?

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, What did he say?

The old man yells, He says you were speeding!

The patrolman says, May I see your license?

The woman turns to her husband and asks again, What did he say?

The old man yells, He wants to see your license!

The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman Ive ever seen.

The woman turned to her husband and asked, What did he say?

And the old man yells, He said he knows you!

Q: How do you change a blondes mind?

A1: Blow in her ear.

A2: Buy her another beer.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?

The blonde said, How about 50 dollars? The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?

The man replied, She should. She was standing on the porch.

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

Youre finished already? he asked. Yes, the blonde answered, and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. And by the way, the blonde added, thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.

Why is Chicago called the Windy City?

Because the Bears blow!

There once was a snail that wanted to buy a Nissan Z car.

So, he went to a dealership and bought a car. But, he said to the salesperson, I would like my car personalized. Would it be possible to have the Z replaced with an S? The dealer said yes, and it was done.

And, as the snail raced around the city in his brand new car, everyone would see, Wow, look at that S-car-go.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
China!
China who?
China just like old times isnt it!

Q: Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.

Bill and Hillary have provided the special prosecutor with every shred of evidence they have. — Al Gore