A guy walks into a construction site, sets down his football bat, and orders a beer. The flamingo looks at him and says, Ill bet you $5.00 that you cant stand on your own neck.
The guy replies, Well, if youre out of grilled cheese, then I dont do pianos!
Q. How did Michael Jackson got food poisoning?
A. He ate a 12 year old weiner.
[Ed: Newlywed Game again. This is a rare example of a followup joke. I
normally reject all followup jokes, unless they surpass the original. In
this case it might be true. ]
There was this couple and the man was asked where was the weirdest
place they ever made whoopie. And with confidence, the woman
responds: Got to be in the butt, Bob.
And another section… I think it was on the Pyramid game or something
and the word to get was bread and so the cluegiver says, Dough
and the black man answered, knob.
-MikeP
[Note – the second incident reportedly happened on the game show Password – ed]
Yo mama so ugly, it takes her a half hour to walk a block — cause she stops at all the hydrants!
Yes, I finally got confirmation of my dismal academic status.
I called my mother, and I was telling her about how my classes were going
and what I needed to do to avoid being kicked out of school. After I was
done, there was silence for a minute, and she said in all seriousness,
You know, you would probably do well in the Armed Forces. Sigh.
This is true.
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, were told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens.
In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher.
All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, May I borrow a highlighter?2. Say Uh oh, I knew I shouldnt put my lips on that. 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.4. Say, Hmmm, Ive never seen that color before.5. Drop a marble and say, Oh shoot! My glass eye!6. Say Darn, this water is cold.7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.8. Say, Now how did that get there?9. Say, Humus. Reminds me of humus.10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, Whoa! Easy boy!!11. Say, Interesting….more sinkers than floaters12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?13. Say, Cmon Mr. Happy! Dont fall asleep on me!14. Say, Boy, that sure looks like a maggot15. Say, Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks.17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your Cross-Dressers Anonymous newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, Peek-a-boo!19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing Born Free.20. Fill a flask with lemonade, spray it at the cieling saying Now watch as I catch this in my mouth…
Q: Whats the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?
A: The number of tits!
A pig walks into a bar and orders a beer. After drinking it, he hops off the bar stool, pees on the floor and leaves.
Another pig comes in, drinks his beer, pees on the floor and leaves.
A third and forth piggy come in and do the same exact thing.
Finally, a fifth piggy comes in to the bar and orders a beer. After finishing his beer, he gets off the bar stool and begins to walk out the door.
Before reaching the door, the bartender yells – Hey Pig…arent you going to pee on the floor like the others?
To which the pig replies – No you idiot! Everyone knows that the last little piggy goes WEE WEE WEE – all the way home!
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The Ethical Consumer (or similar) and discover to his/her horror that the manufacturer (Thorn Lighting) is part of Thorn EMI who are involved in, errrr, I dunno, testing software on mainframes or making farms for 3rd world potaters or something.