Old and New Jokes

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybodys heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The Tell me when were having fun kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If youve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesnt help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If youve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skies so you dont move. Yup, you got it. She had the skies positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on to the slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual sight for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg was put in a bed next to hers.

So, howd you break your leg? She asked, making small talk.

It was the darndest thing you ever saw, he said I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldnt believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didnt realize how far Id moved. I fell out of the lift.

So howd you break your arm?

School-boy Howlers:

Arabs wear turbines on their heads.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

The dog ran across the street, emitting whelps all the way.

Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla How do you spell dumb?

Darla says d-u-m-b, dumb. The teacher says, very good, now use it in a sentence. She says Buckwheat is dumb

Now spell stupid. Darla says s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid. The teacher says,very good, now use it in a sentence. Darla says Buckwheat is stupid.

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says Buckwheat, spell dictate.

Buckwheat stands and says d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate. The teacher says, very good, now use it in a sentence.

I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!

Back in the old days of the Soviet Union, a Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

I think its raining, he said to his wife.

No, that felt more like snow to me, she replied.

No, Im sure it was just rain, he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

Just then they saw a minor Communist Party official walking towards them.

Lets not fight about it, the man said. Lets ask Comrade Rudolph whether its officially raining or snowing.

As the official approached, the man said, Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?

Its raining, of course, he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted, ‘I know that felt like snow.

The man quietly replied, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!

A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby. Since his buddies talked about sailing, he thought hed give it a go.



He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions. Everything seemed to be going well when he said, How do you dock the boat? The salesman replied, Well, you really dont dock the sailboat, you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock. This way you dont bang up the finish on the craft.



Well then, the lawyer asked, How do you get out to the sailboat?



Good question. The salesman told him. “You can get a small raft and paddle out to the boat, or you can just walk out to the boat, if you dont mind getting wet.“



Oh, I get it, the lawyer replied. . . . Its Row vs Wade.

A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe.

Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a mirror at the holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes in the trash as well.



A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identification. The man produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel. So, of course, the policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution.



The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.



Look, its the best place for you now, the policeman replied, Anyone claiming to be a preacher, but who doesnt save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons.

A man goes to a bar and he ties his Great Dane up outside. About 10 minutes later a lady comes in and asks whos Great Dane is outside.

Mine says the man. My dog has just killed him, she says.

What breed is your dog? he asks. A Chiuahua, she says.

How can a Chiuahua kill a Great Dane?

He got caught in his throat!!!

Q: Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet?
A: She was last years hide and seek winner.

Woman in confession: Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

Preast: How have you sinned my child?

woman: I called my husband a son of a bitch.

Preast: why did you do this.

woman: First, he took off my shirt.

Preast: Like this, (and he does it to her), that is no reason to call
him a son of a bitch.

woman: then he took off my pants.

Preast: Like this, that is still no reason to call him a son of a bitch.

woman then he took off my bra and panties.

Preast: you mean like this, that is no reason to call him a son of a
bitch.

woman: but then he had sex with me.

Preast: Like this.

(15 minutes later)

Preast: that is no reason to call him a son of a bitch.

woman: I know, but a week ago he told me that he had sex with another
woman and he had aids, and I have contracted it.

Preast: Well that Son of a Bitch!

Five out of four people are schizophrenic.