26
Aug

Clintons Clock

Bill Clinton made up a list of things he can say to his secretaries so they will know what he really wants, but everyone else will ignore.

So one day, he hires a new secretary, and then calls her over the intercom. Hello Ms., could you please come in here and fix my clock.

Of course, she innocently agreed. She walked into the office, and looked around. Wheres the clock sir?, she asked.

Suddenly, the president stood up and dropped his pants. Thats not a clock Mr. Clinton !, she exclaimed.

It will be, he replied, Once you put two hands and a face on it !.

26
Aug

Campus pranks

[Ed: These are making the rounds again, and Im grabbing some funny ones. ]

* A friend of mine at U of Chicago once calculated the resonant frequency
of his dorms stairwells, bought a test record with that tone on it and
played it into the stairwells from a number of stereos. Apparently had
the entire building shaking visibly before they got scared enough to turn
it off.

* When living in the dorms, I offered to make soup for everyone on a
Sunday night (when dorms dont usually serve a meal). I made the soup
in a toilet bowl, using several of those coil cup heaters. Looked
good, but no one tried it.

* I had a friend who lived in a room next to the study lounge. The
night before finals, I invited him up to my room and then phoned his
room, letting the phone ring until the angry mob in the study lounge
broke down the door and ripped the phone off the wall.

* Someone was foolish enough to penny me into her own room. Amongst
other things, I placed a call to the US Embassy in Nepal. The call
was completed and rung back some time the next day.

* Ran an imaginary student for a student government position. He was
named after a dog. He didnt actually make the ballot because his
false ID was discovered by the administration, but he still won on
write-in votes.

* I had a white cane and dark sunglasses, and I would go with a friend
of mine to a Mall, where he would lead me around as if I was blind.
However, he would be deliberately cruel, leading me into pillars, telling
me the wrong number of steps, and so on. People would get very upset.

* I once learned the day before that a professor would be late to one
of his classes the next day. I made up a pop quiz that was
incredibly hard, and then showed up and handed it out to the class,
telling them that I was a grad student the prof had sent to proctor.

* A friend and I put on surgical greens, masks, booties and so on, and
then splashed red food coloring on ourselves. Then we burst into the
medical library, arguing loudly, and go over to the reference copy of
Grays Anatomy. I leaf through it, peer at a picture, and point and
say triumphantly See, I told you it was on the left side. What are
you, dyslexic? My friend looks abashed, shrugs, and we walk out.

* One that I never got a chance to do: Wait until someone brings a
cute little puppy on to campus. Then, later that day, rush onto the
dorm floor with the puppy wrapped in a bloodstained blanket. Explain
to everyone that the dog was hit by a car and it has a large sliver of
glass in its side. You dont think it will live long enough to get it
to a vet, so youre going to pull the sliver yourself and try and stop
the bleeding. Go into your room (with the pet owner) and close the
door. Play a previously prepared tape of a dog whining and barking in
pain, and say things like Jesus Christ! Hold it still! Oh, shit,
Im going to be sick. What the hell is that? and so on. (I
couldnt find the sound effect on the day the puppy was there.)

Those are the ones that come to mind off hand.

— Scott

26
Aug

Womens monthly pain

Why do you call a womens monthly pain a period?

Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.

26
Aug

Always on Duty

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, Halt, who goes there?

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, General Wheeler.

Im sorry, I cant let you through. Youve got to have a sticker on the windshield.

The general said, Drive on!

The sentry said, Hold it! You really cant come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.

The general repeated, Im telling you, son, drive on!

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, General, Im new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?

26
Aug

Why Women Are Bad Mathematicians

Why are women so bad at mathematics?

Because men keep telling them that this…

||

is 12 inches.

26
Aug

The Top 14 Rejected Game Show Ideas

The Bong Show Whose Pants Are These, Anyway? Iron Fry Cook Dating Game v6.05 — Techies attempt to impress dates by answering unsolved help desk questions. Who or Whom? To Tell the Precisely Defined, Legally Defensible, Lawyer-Approved, Carefully Chosen Truth Bowling for Gum Kathy Lee Giffords Who Wants To Make 50 Cents An Hour? Leper-dy! Wheel of Fortran First Family Feud Who Wants To Be A Prison Bitch? Lets Bake A Veal and the Number 1 Rejected Game Show Idea…
Win Ben Steins Undies

26
Aug

In the bar.

A guy walks into a bar. Hes a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?

Everyone is understandably silent.

He then, chugs back another beer and says, All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?

Everyone is silent, again.

Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.

You got a problem, buddy? No, Im just on the wrong side of the bar!

26
Aug

Answer This Question

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesnt have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, How many grains of sand are in the beach? Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, How many stars are in the sky? and again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.

At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, Heres this weeks question, Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, Okay, whos the comedian with the black balls?

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!

26
Aug

A Polish Mans Lunch

There were three construction workers who ate lunch together everyday at the top of the building they were working on. One was Italian, another was German, and the third was Polish. One day they were all grumpy and complaining about their lunches. The Italian guy says, If I get stromboli one more time, Im gonna jump off the building!

The German guy says, And if I get bratwurst one more time, Ill jump off the building, too!

The Polish guy says, Yeah, me too, Im sick of kilbasa! Ill jump, too!

The next day, the Italian guy says, Oh, thank God, I got pizza!

The German guy says, Hurray! I got schnitzel!

And the Polish guy says, Damn, I got kilbasa again! Im jumping! And sure enough, he jumps off and dies.

The two others have to call his wife and give her the grim news that hes committed suicide. Crying, she says, Thats strange, he was so happy when he left this morning…He had made his own lunch!

26
Aug

John the Milkman having a birthday

It was John The Milkmans birthday. Being a friendly sort of chap, he knew most of his customers and had told quite of few of them about his birthday. When he reached number 28, he was met by Mrs. Jones, the young attractive occupant. She asked him into the house and gave him an enormous birthday breakfast. Then she took him by the hand and led him upstairs to the bedroom, where they had the most amazing sex.

A couple of hours later as John was leaving the house, Mrs Jones pressed a pound coin into his hand.

Im sorry, he said, but Ive got to ask – why the pound?

Well, said Mrs Jones, I said to my husband last night Its the milkmans birthday tomorrow, what shall we give him? and he replied Oh screw the milkman, give him a pound. The breakfast was my idea!