Old and New Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. Wow, says the bartender, Something bad must have happened.

Yeah it did, he said. I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend.

The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. This ones on the house. The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks Did you say anything to your wife ?

The guy answers Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bags and get out !

What about your friend ? asks the bartender. I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG

You might be a redneck if…
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, You need to join the Army of the Lord!

Jack replied, Im already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.

Pastor questioned, How come I dont see you except at Christmas and Easter?

He whispered back, Im in the secret service.

There were three girls walking down an empty street. They stop in front of this beautiful house. They knock on the door and an old lady answers.
May we come in? They ask.
Sure. But whatever you do, DONT STEP ON A DUCK.
They think she was probably off her rocker but still step in and walk around.
The first girl sees this really handsome man standing just a couple of feet away from her. She runs up to him and WHAM! She steps on a duck and gets tied to the most gross looking man in the world.
Then the next girl walks in and sees another man and runs up to him and steps on a duck. WHAM! She gets tied to an even uglier man.
Now the third girl, seeing what the other girls get tied to, looked and saw a really handsome guy and looks around. Hmmm no duck. She runs up to him and she gets tied to him. Heaven at last.
What happened to you? She asks as she rests her head on his shoulder.
I stepped on a duck.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Yogi bear!
Yogi bear who?
Yogi bear and youll get arrested!

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

You know how most packages say Open here.What is the protocol if the package says, Open somewhere else?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?

Defense Attorney: Would you please state your age to the court for the record.

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us in your own words, what happened to you on the night in question.

Little Old Lady: There I was sitting on my porch swing on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up the porch stairs and sits down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: Then what happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Lady: Well, he started to rub my thighs.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didnt.

Defense Lawyer: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody has done that since my Dan passed away 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: Then what happened?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: Well your honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I hadnt felt that good in years.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, I started to feel so spicy that I said to him, Take me young man.

Defense Attorney: And did he take you?

Little Old Lady: No. Thats when he yelled April Fool!.. And thats when I shot him.

El Sheffield Star Newspaper del 29 de junio de 1994 contaba la historia de un aviso de bomba.

Un ama de casa recibió un discreto paquete que producía un curioso zumbido y llamó a la policía. Tras evacuar el edificio y traer bomberos y ambulancias, un artificiero, cargado con una pesada protección se acercó al paquete y lo abrió lentamente, con sumo cuidado, revelando… ¡un vibrador encargado por correo!

Según el periódico, la policía no quiso proporcionar el nombre de la pobre mujer pues consideró que ya era suficiente el castigo…

Un hombre que está en la recepción de un hotel quiere preguntarle algo al conserje; así que se da la vuelta para acercarse al mostrador y, accidentalmente, le da un codazo en la teta a una chica que está a su lado. Los dos se quedan cortados y el tipo atina a decir:

Señorita, si tiene usted el corazón tan tierno y blando como su pecho, sé que podrá perdonarme.

Si la tienes tan dura como tu codo, te espero en la habitación 1221, responde la joven.

A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, I have to go home or the wife will be mad.

(at this point he was loaded drunk)



He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said I cant walk and I didnt have that much to drink?.



He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I dont get home soon!



He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.



The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said you were out drinking again last night werent you!



The man replied with NO WAY!

And the wife said YOU LIAR!

The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night!