Old and New Jokes

In an interview, Pamela Anderson said that if she were Hillary, she would have left President Clinton a long time ago.

In response, Clinton said, Well if Pamela Anderson were Hillary, nothing would ever have happened in the first place!

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, Thats quite a heavy drink. Whats wrong?

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend.

Wow, exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch.

No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house.

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, What did you do?

I walked over to my wife, the man replied, looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out.

That makes sense, said the bartender, but what about your best friend?

The man replied, I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, BAD DOG!

Una gitana caminaba por la calle, se topa con un señor a quien le dice:

Dame tu mano, si me das cien pesos, te quito la sal.

El señor le responde:

Le doy quinientos pesos, ¡pero quíteme el azúcar!

There was once was a blonde woman who had just bought a house.

She called it Harrybutt.

She had a child and named in Crack.

She lost Crack and couldnt find him.

So she called the police and said, I looked all over my Harrybutt and couldnt find my crack!

YO MAMA is so ulgy your daddy takes her to work so he doesnt need to kiss her goodbye



Yo mama is so ugly she makes blind kids cry





Yo mama is so ugly when she passes by your bathroom, the toilet flushes





Yo mama is so ugly the prince eould rather live as a frog than kiss her





Yo mama is so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck





Yo mama is so ugly when she was born, her mom said, What a treasure!;and your dad said,Yeah lets go burry it!





Yo mama is so fat even Bill Gates couldnt pay for her liposuction





Yo mama is so fat when she bends over we lose an hour of daylight





Yo mama is so fat the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts





Yo mama is so fat when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas





Yo mama is so fat when she farts she puts herself into an orbit





Yo mama is so fat her belly button has an echo.

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouses armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cats mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, dring glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retriev cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetnus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Force cats mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.

So the Doberman says, I love liver and cheese. The Collie replies, Thats not good enough.

The Bulldog says, I hate liver and cheese. She says, Thats not creative enough.

Finally, the Chihuahua says, Liver alone . . . cheese mine.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had
called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson
a pig? The judge said that was true.

Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson? the man asked. The judge
replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal
action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, Good afternoon, Mrs.
Johnson.

A mercenary preacher was traveling back from a mission of peace through the jungle when all of a sudden he realized that a lion was behind him. He tried to run, but knowing that he could not outrun the lion, dropped down and started to pray.

Unexpectedly, everything became quiet and when he looked, the lion was praying also.

The priest said to the lion, I didnt know lions prayed.

The lion replied, You are praying. Im saying grace before I gobble you up!