A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their freedom.
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his private
The rabbi replied, I dont know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize.
Q: Definition of Marine
A: Muscles Are Required Intelligence Not Essential
Chad nervously approached his girlfriends father and said Excuse me, Mr. Scott, but there was something I wanted to ask you.
Well, of course, young man! the proud father replied. You have my full blessing. My daughters happiness is all I want.
Blessing, sir? Chad stammered.
Yes, of course. You want to marry my daughter, right? Mr. Scott said.
Uh, no sir, thats not it. said Chad. Actually, my car payment is due, and Im a little short until payday, and I wanted to know if I could borrow fifty dollars until Friday.
Heck no! yelled Mr. Scott. I hardly know you.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, But they are twins-if youve seen Juan, youve seen Amal.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
A little boy turned to his grandpa and said, grandpa, talk like a frog.
The Grandpa replied What?, Im not going to talk like a frog!
The little boy again asked, come on, Grandpa talk like a frog please.
Grandpa again said No! Go bother your grandmother.
The little boy finally gave up and left.
A little while later the little boys sister came in and said Grandpa will you talk like a frog for me?
Grandpa of course replied, NO!
The little girl then said Please grandpa will you talk just like a frog?
Grandpa was very disturbed by now and said, what is it with you and your brother, why in the world do you want me to talk like a frog?
The little girl looked at her grandpa and said Well last night daddy told us that when you croak we are going to go to Disney World.
My two favourite anecdotes on this subject demonstrate the difference
between renewable and non-renewable resources. First the non-renewable:
The congregation of a small stone church (in England?) decided that the
stone which formed the step up to the front door had become two worn by its
years of use, and would have to be replaced. Unfortunately, there were hardly
any funds available for the replacement. Then someone came up with the bright
idea that the replacement could be postponed for many years by simply turning
the block of stone over.
They discovered that their great-grandparents had beaten them to it.
Now the renewable:
An entomologist at New College, Oxford (New because its only a few
centuries old), discovered beetles infesting the oak beams supporting the roof
of the Great Hall. It was fairly urgent that these be replaced before the roof
collapsed–but anyone who has looked at the price of oak lately can tell you
that this was not something the college budget was prepared for.
Since oak from a commercial supplier was out of the question, someone
suggested that the college Forester be sent for. His job was to administer the
various scattered tracts of land that had been deeded to the college when it
was founded. The trustees hoped he might know of suitable trees on college
land.
It turned out that there was indeed a suitable stand of mighty oaks. They
had been planted when the college was founded, and down the centuries each
Forester had told his successor: You dont cut those oaks; those are for when
the beetles get into the beams in the Main Hall.
Police in Los Angeles had better luck with a robbery suspect who just couldnt control himself during a lineup.
When detectives asked each man to repeat the words, Give me all your money or Ill shoot, the man shouted, Thats not what I said!
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says shes going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5, 000.00.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The banks president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000.00 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000.00 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the banks underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000.00 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5, 000.00?
The blonde replies, Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?
Did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea
when he died?
Five sailors died digging his grave.