Old and New Jokes

there was these two men john and jonah john says yo jonah, dude i had the funniest dream last night dog and jonah says what was it about?
well i had a dream that i went to heaven.and while i was up there i was walking all over heaven with a messed up ugly woman.and she was messed up.well i went to god and said lord why do i have to walk in heaven with a ugly woman and god said the reason why u have to walk around with a ugly woman is because u acted so bad on earth.and then i saw you jonah walking around heaven with jessica simpson.then i said lord why did jonah get to walk with jessica.cuz son see jessica acted so bad on earth that she has to walk around with an ugly guy too.

What are seniors worth anyway? They are worth a fortune, with all the silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and lead in their feet.

Well I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quitea frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. I immediately go to see John.

After that Charlie Horse comes along, and he really takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays for the rest of the day. However, he doesnt like to stay in one place very long, so he just takes me from joint to joint. Finally after such a busy tiring day, Im really glad to be able to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!!

P.S. The preacher came by the other day. He said at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, Oh I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself…What am I here after?

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that

were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I

knew then I had to have you for my own.


Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I

carried you & threw the door.


Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs,

and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so

tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white

skin.


From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my

arms, to the warm water that awaits.


The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft

breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets

of water cover your taut skin.


My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads

of water. Making them trickle down off your body.


I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so

ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place,

so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter

you before we even came through the door.


As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You

are ready now and so am I.


I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how

much you can take in.


I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation,

faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as

I can, until I cant put any more in, you are so tight. With

your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it,

I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet

juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue

at first, your skin is so soft and tender.


I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist,

you taste so good.


Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in

anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.


Oh yes, I say to you,


I must say Grace Thank God for Butterball turkey…. Amen

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. Ive got something to show you! Not now! Im eating. Oh come on! said the rabbit. Its really important. No way. Please. Its urgent. So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air. Well, rabbit, he panted. What did you want to tell me? Hey, Teddy, the rabbit began, look how many berries are on the other side of the river.

One day a twelve-year-old walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred-dollar bill on the counter and says, I want one of your women.

The madam looks at him and says, Dont you think youre a bit young for that?

He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, I want one of your women.

The madam says, Okay have a seat, shell be down in about twenty minutes.

He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, She has to have active herpes.

The madam starts to sputter and asks why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says, Active herpes.

She responds, Okay have a seat – itll be about ten minutes. Ten minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal.

As hes leaving, the madam asks him, Okay why did you want someone with active herpes?

The kid replies, When I get home, Im going to screw the baby sitter. And when mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby sitter home and screw her on the way. And when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and screw. And tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will screw him.

And hes the bastard that ran over my frog.

Dont LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Dont TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Dont SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Dont TOUCH anything in a medical lab.

and, most importantly,

Dont LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

One day, two bees are buzzing around whats left of a rose bush.

Hows your summer been? asks bee number one.

Not too good, says bee two. Lotta rain, lotta cold. There arent


enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen.

The first bee has an idea. Hey, why dont you go down to the corner and


hang a left? Theres a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and


fruit.

Bee two buzzes, Thanks! and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into


each other again.

How was the bar mitzvah? asks the first bee.

Great! replies the second.

The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friends head, and


inquires, Whats that on your head?

A yarmulke, is the answer. I didnt want them to think I was a Wasp.

Floppy disk – What you get from piling too much wood into your wood stove

Van tres amigos a un club nocturno, y al entrar observan que se paga a una máquina y ésta te asigna a la puta. Introduce el primero 60 euros y la máquina le dice:

Planta tercera – Puta 9.

Introduce el segundo amigo 30 euros y la máquina le dice:

Planta primera – Puta 5.

Y por último echa el tercero 1 euro y la máquina le dice:

Planta Baja – Puta calle.

Computer science student is studying under a tree and another one pulls up on a flashy new bike The student under the tree asks, Whered you get that?!? The student on the bike replies, While I was studying outside, this girl pulls up on her bike… She takes off all her clothes and says to me, You can have anything you want. The other student responds, Good choice! — her clothes probably wouldnt have fit you.