Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jewell!
Jewell who?
Jewell remember me once you open the door!
14
Nov
14
Nov
Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage.
14
Nov
Three guys were taking needles, two Americans and an [ethnic] guy.
The first American takes the drug and hands the needle to the second
American who cleans the needle, takes the drug and hands it to the [ethnic]
guy.
The [ethnic] guy takes the drug without cleaning the needle.
The two Americans yell at the [ethnic] guy, telling him he can get aids
from using a dirty needle.
The [ethnic] guy says No I cant. Im wearing a condom
14
Nov
How do you sink an [ethnic] submarine?
Put it into water.
14
Nov
– Because they have smelly feet.
14
Nov
If shes still ugly, have another beer.
14
Nov
Yo mama so dumb she jumped out a window and got stuck in mid air.
14
Nov
Signs Youve Eaten Too Much
As presented on the 11/29/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
- You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net
- Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams
- All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps
- While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker
- Strangers keep addressing you as Mr. President
- This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read Good Lord!
- You now have an ass the size of Plymouth Rock
- People keep looking at you and saying, I thought the Macys Parade was over
- Your relatives cant go home because theyre stuck in your gravitational field.
- Youre sweatin gravy, my friend!
14
Nov
Bill and Derek are out walking their dogs. Bill has a German shepherd, while Derek is trailing with his Chihuahua. Theyve been out for a while and Bill suggests stopping in at cafe for some coffee.
We cant go in there with the dogs, replies Derek.
Sure we can, says Bill. Just follow my lead.
Bill puts on his sunglasses and walks into Starbucks. A barrista stops him and says, Sir, you cant bring a dog in here.
This is my seeing-eye dog, says Bill, and the barrista lets him in.
Derek watches this exchange, shrugs and puts on his sunglasses. The same barrista meets him as soon as he gets in the door. Sir, you cant bring a dog in here.
This is my seeing-eye dog, says Derek.
Skeptically, the barrista says, Your seeing-eye dog is a Chihuahua?
They gave me a CHIHUAHUA?!
14
Nov
A: Under 17 not admitted!