The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course problems, but seemed to be only half paying attention to his replies.
Are you feeling OK? he asked.
Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet. she admitted. Is there a name for my condition?
Why yes, there is. he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to the couch. Its called Good News.
Q. Why dont <ethnics> like blow jobs?
A. <ethnics> dont like any kind of job.
How come they dont let the little black kids play in the sandbox?
Cause the kittys keep trying to bury them.
Yo mama so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave
Q: How many hicks from Manassas, VA does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to do it and the other three to sit around and talk about how good the old one was.
Linda Burnett, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lindas eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that shed been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, You look terrible. Whats the problem?
My mother died in June, he said, and left me $10,000.
Gee, thats tough, he replied.
Then in July, the friend continued, My father died, leaving me $50,000.
Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder youre depressed.
And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.
Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.
Then this month, continued, the friend, nothing!
Estaban los presidentes de varios paÃses conversando con Dios. El presidente de Peru le pregunta:
¿Cuándo vamos a tener un paÃs muy elegante, turÃstico y rico.
Y Dios le dice:
150 años.
El peruano se pone a llorar por que dice que el no existirÃa en ese momento.
Mas Tarde… el presidente estadounidense le pregunta:
¿Cuándo tendremos un paÃs sin atentados, con mucho petróleo y más turÃstico.
Y Dios le dice:
200 años.
El estadounidense se pone a llorar por que dice que el no existirÃa en ese momento.
Por último el presidente argentino le pregunta:
¿Cuándo tendremos un paÃs sin asaltos, robos, secuestros y muertes?
Y esta vez Dios se pone a llorar. El presidente argentino le pregunta:
¿Por qué estás llorando?
Y Dios le responde:
Porque ni yo voy a existir en ese momento…
Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.
When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?, asks St. Peter.
The first guy says, I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.
The second guy says, I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.
The last guy replies, I would like to hear them say…. LOOK!!! HES MOVING!!!!
An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed.
When he replied, the desk clerk asked Can i help you sir?
Our man said Yes, I would like to change my name.
What is your current name? asked the clerk.
Martin Arsehole, replied the man.
The clerk laughed, and said I can see why you want a change. What would
you like your new name to be?
Tim.