Sven and Ole worked together and were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Then Ole goes in and sits down with the lady.
She asked Ole his occupation. Diesel fitter, he replied.
Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.
When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay.
The clerk explained: When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers.
Skill!…What skill? yelled Sven.
I sew the elastic on…
He pulls on it and says,…..Yep, diesel fitter.
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blond got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddys advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. That made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problems with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll her window down.
The driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddys advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver said that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to K-mart next.
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!
Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?
The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis
Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!
-I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!
-Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
-Sorry Im late. I was playing with Mypenis.
-Im sorry officer, I didnt realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
-Mypenis doesnt come when I call it.
-Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
-If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!
-I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesnt like cold water.
-At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.
-Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
-Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
-Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
-Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
-I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
-I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
-Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
-I think Mypenis is getting old because he wont get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
-Mypenis got out last night. I think hes sleeping with the lady next door.
-HELP! Mypenis is lost…can you help me find him?
-Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
-Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
-Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.
-Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.
-Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!
-Do you think you could feed Mypenis while Im on vacation?
-I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.
-When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang its head out.
(This is original, copyright 1989 Tony Lovell)
The dew was still wet as the prisoner was let out into the yard for the last
time. The soldiers of the firing detail shuffled out to their usual
positions as the guards led the prisoner to the stake at the far end of the
paddock. There, he was securely bound as the captain of the guards stepped
forward to contend with the final courtesies.
Blindfold? he inquired.
No, thank you, said the condemned.
The captain was a little taken aback at the difficulty and leaned forward so
as not to be heard.
Please, he said, take the blindfold. It is not an act of cowardice to be
spared this spectacle. It makes it MUCH easier for you.
The condemned thought for a moment and relented. The blindfold was tied
over his eyes.
Cigarette? offered the captain.
No thanks, said the prisoner, I dont smoke.
Here again the captain paused and thought of a tactful approach. He leaned
in and spoke in a confidential tone.
No matter. Please take the cigarette. It makes it MUCH easier for the men
on the firing squad.
(I dont think it needs to be stated that this might be offensive to smokers.)
Two dumb blondes were driving through the middle of Kansas where there was nothing around for miles but wheatfields. One blonde says, “Look over there!” There was another blonde wearing scuba gear and acting like she was swimming through the wheat. The other blonde says, “Look over there!” where there was still another blonde in a boat. The blonde driving said, “Its people like that that give us blondes a bad name.” The other blonde said, “Yeah! And if I knew how to swim Id go out there and beat the crap out of them!”
Female makes the rules.
Rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior
notification.
Male cant possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are
not permitted.
If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she
must immediately change some or all of the rules.
Female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding
which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do, or did
not say.
Rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having been the
cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he
did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
Female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all.
Male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without
the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the
female wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish. See
rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.
Female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined,
at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole judgement she deems
appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the
females being angry or upset. The female may, however, give false or misleading
reasons to see if the male is paying attention. See rule 13.
Male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry
or upset.
No circumstances may the female give the male any clue or indication whether
or why she wants him to be angry or upset.
Male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times. Failure to do
so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of
the female.
Female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident
without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish,
of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the male that he is now or
has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or
oafish.
Female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the
ways in which the male has failed to accord her the consideration, respect,
devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed on other females, domestic
pets or barnyard animals, sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats,
aircraft, or coworkers. Such illustrations are non-rebuttable.
The female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is
permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors she wishes without regard to
logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior.
Act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought, opinion, or
belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of the
female, other external factors not-withstanding. Alibis, excuses, explanations,
defenses, reasons, extenuations, or rationalizations will not be entertained.
Abject pleas for mercy and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances,
especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition.
Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully, the divorce court judge said, and Ive decided to give your wife $775 a week.
Thats very fair, your honor, the husband said. And every now and then Ill try to send her a few bucks myself.
Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, It had to be a mechanical engineer, look at all the joints.
Another said, No, it had to be an electrical engineer, the nervous system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections.
The third said, Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?
A Jewish man sits next to two Arab men on a flight from New York to Miami. The Jewish man kicks off his shoes. Meanwhile, one of the Arabs says he would like a coke. Since he was by the aisle, the Jewish man says, Ill get it for you, and goes off in his stockinged feet. While he was gone, one of the Arab men spit into the Jewish fellows left shoe. Later, the other Arab man says that he too would like a coke, and the Jewish man goes off to fetch it. This time, his right shoe gets spitted into.
As the flight was ending, the Jewsih man slid his shoes back on and through his socks, he felt the squishiness. He immediately figured out what had happened and exclaimed, When will it end!!?? When will all this enmity cease, the hatred, the anger, the spitting in shoes and the pishing in coca cola!!??