Dad, can I ask you something?
Sure! What about?
You see, Im already fourteen and…I think its just proper that I should own one.
And what is this one youre referring to?
Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?
No!
My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.
Nope!
It will be just proper at my age…
I said no way…!
But all of my friends wear…
Timmy! How many times shall I tell you that bras are for girls!?
Why did God give Mexicans a nose?
So theyd have something to pick in the off season!
At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes."Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?""Sadness," said the student."And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma."Elation," she said."And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up ".
1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.
2) Always put the blame on something that cant defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries make perfect scapegoats.
3) Whine convincingly.
4) Certain ailments work better than others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world can prove that you dont have that headache.
5) Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only two grandmothers to attend funerals for.
And now, some excuses:
– I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldnt find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you.
– The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change.
– Im taking care of a sick aunt…no, this is a different one.
– The car ran out of gas.
– Well, you never told me I couldnt do that.
– He started it.
– I have jet lag.
– Id really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight.
– I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.
– I missed the bus.
– The alarm didnt go off.
– I couldnt find a parking space.
– The Devil made me do it.
– Drugs made me do it.
– Everybody else does it.
– Thats not my department.
– Our computers down.
– We must have misplaced your original request.
– Its on someone elses desk.
– Dont ask me – I just work here.
Really Stupid People
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. I dont do lights. Thats the light crews job.
There are a bunch of blondes in a bar and they are having a good time. One of the blondes suddenly shouts out Drinks on me!! Surprised, the bartender asks What is the occasion? The blonde replies, We completed a puzzle in four weeks and is says on the box 5-6 years.
His home is free of mice and cockroaches — they refuse to live in the
same place as him.
Q: How do you recognize a blonde at the airport?
A: Shes the one throwing bread at the airplanes.
10. Youve got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if youre Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:
1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.