Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.

Un lunes la maestra le dijo a sus estudiantes: Niños, para el viernes voy hacer una pregunta de geografía y el que la responda no viene a clase el próximo lunes.

Pepito, que era el más vago de todos, con tal de no ir el lunes estudió como loco toda la semana. El viernes la profesora escribió en el pizarrón: ¿Cuantos kilómetros hay entre Nueva York y el Cairo?

Nadie respondió correctamente.

Pepito estaba frustrado por todo lo que había estudiado. La próxima semana hago una pregunta de historia dijo la profesora.

Pepito no estudió nada y el jueves por la noche compró dos huevos y los pintó de negro. Al día siguiente, cuando la profesora se voltea a escribir la pregunta de historia, Pepito sacó los huevos negros y los lanzó contra el tablero.

Furiosa, la profesora grita: ¿Quién fue el rebelde de los huevos negros?

Pepito contesta: ¡Martin Luther King, profesora, y nos vemos el próximo martes!

a plane was flyin buy and one guy drops an apple and it hits a brunette guy and the guy on the plane lands where the brunette guy is and asks him why are you crying? and the brunette guy goes an apple hit me on my head then the second guy in the plane throwse a pumpkin down on a red head.. he lands where the red head is and asks why are you crying? and the red head goes a pumpkin hit me on my head and then the third guy throws a bomb down into a house with a blonde head he lands where a house is blown up. he asks the blonde head why he is laughing and the blonde head tells him i farted and the house blew up

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Ask the following to a Blonde to see if she is a DUMB BLONDE or a smart blonde…yeah right…

1.Who do want to be most like in life:
A.Vanna White
B.Michelle Fiefer
C.Britney Spears
E.None of the Above

2.In a game of Hide-And-Go Seek, do you:
A.Run when you see the seeker
B.Stay hiding until the seeker finds you
C.Run when the seeker sees you
E.Follow the seeker quietly

3.What happens when you get Alzheimers Disease
A.You loose alot of weight
B.Gain weight
C.Get really smart
D.Loose your memory

4.How do you kill a bird:
A.Hit it
B.Throw it off a building
C.Cook it
D.All of the above

5.Whats an important question about pregnancy
A.Is it mine
B.How far along am I
C.Is it a boy or girl
D.What hospital should I go to for delivery

Dont read them this part:

Results:
1.
A=5pts.
B=3pts.
C=2pts.
D=1pt.

2.
A=4
B=5
C=2
D=3

3.
A=4
B=3
C=5
D=1

4.
A=3
B=5
C=4
D=1

5.
A=5
B=1
C=3
D=2

TOTAL:
20 =Official Dumb Blonde; 15-19=Pretty Dumb; 10-14=Not Bad; 9-Smart for a Blonde

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his

arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, Hey Bob! Whacha get the

case of beer for? I got it for my wife, eh. answers Bob. Oh!

exclaims Doug, Good trade!

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the
ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look
for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, If you release me from this
trap, I will grant you three wishes.
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, Thank
you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition
to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband
will get times ten!
The woman said, Thats okay. For her first wish,
she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world.
The frog warned her, You do realize that this wish
will also make your husband the most handsome man
in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to.
The woman replied, Thats okay, because I will
be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes
only for me.
So shes the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest
woman in the world.
The frog said, That will make your husband the
richest man in the world and he will be ten times
richer than you.
The woman said,Thats okay, because whats mine
is his and whats his is mine.
So, shes the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and
she answered, Id like a mild heart attack.

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders. The blonde then replies Thats a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?

A guy goes into a bar and says, Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts! The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. Quick another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. Quick another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman replies, Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?

I havent got any money!

(To The Tune Of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer)

Rudolph the red nosed wino,

Had a very shiny nose,

And if you got too close to him,

He would take off his clothes.

All of the other winos,

Used to laugh and call him names,

They never let poor Rudolph,

Join in any wino games.

Then one chilly Christmas Eve,

Rudolph froze to death in an alley.

End of story.