Old and New Jokes

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, Sweetie, why dont you give me a blowjob?

What? Youre crazy!

Dont worry, it will be quick, no problem.

No!! Someone may see — a relative, a neighbor…

At this time of the night? No one will show up…

Ive already said No, and NO!

Honey, its just a small blowie…I know youd like it, too…

No! Ive said NO!

My love… Dont be like that…

At this moment, the girlfriends younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for Gods sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his chauffeur, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the chauffeur approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evenings lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the chauffeur handled himself remarkably well.

When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?

That is an extremely simple question, he responded.

So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do.

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
 
Whats the matter, Mr. President? The Vice President inquired.
 

 
Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time! The President beamed.
 

 
How long did it take you?
 

 
Well, the box said 3 to 5 Years but I did it in a month!

Bathroom
scales: equipment which only seems to work correctly when one
holds on to towel rail, stands on one foot and leans hard to the left.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Wafer!
Wafer who?
Wafer a long time but now Im back!

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

– Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

– Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

– Old investors never die, they just roll over.

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

– Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

– Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

– Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

Mouse – What leaves those little turds in the cupboard

Una mujer va de compras, y en una tienda ve un armario desmontable majísimo y decide comprarlo. Llega a su casa y lo monta ella sola toda contenta.

De pronto pasa el autobús por la calle y el armario se desmonta solo. La mujer sorprendida vuelve a montar el armario, pero vuelve a pasar el autobus y ¡plum! el armario se desmonta y se cae al suelo otra vez. Entonces decide llamar a su vecino para que le ayude diciéndole que cada vez que pasa el autobús el armario se desmonta solo.

El vecino lo monta apretando bien todas las tuercas y tornillos y luego deciden esperar que pase el autobús a ver qué pasa. Esperan unos minutos y al pasar el vehículo el armario se vuelve a desmontar.

Increible, exclaman los dos. Mire, le dice el vecino, a la mujer voy a meterme en el armario y cuando pase el autobus voy a saber porque se cae. El hombre se introduce en el armario y espera.

En esto llega el marido de la mujer y abre el armario para dejar su chaqueta y ve al vecino.

Pero ¿qué significa esto?

No me va usted a creer pero estaba esperando el autobús…

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.