Old and New Jokes

Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?
A: Yeah, you know, Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names

A guy from Tyson Foods arranged a visit with the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispered, Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken… then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church.

The Pope responds saying, That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.

Well, says the Tyson man, We are prepared to donate one billion dollars to the Church if you change the Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken…

Again the Pope replies That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.

Finally, the Tyson guy says, This is our last offer. We will donate five billion dollars to the church if you change the Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken… and he leaves.

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.

The good news is that the Church has just received a donation of five billion dollars.

The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account!

This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her! one of the crowd responded.

Wait, yelled Jesus, Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

Aw, Cmon, Dad…, Jesus cried, Im trying to make a point here!

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. Were three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still wont light up?

Blonde: No, its working fine.

Operator: Then whats the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

There are more jokes like this at http://www.humorshack.com

Una mujer acompaña a su marido a la consulta del médico. Después del chequeo, el galeno llama a solas a la mujer a su despacho y le expone:

Tu marido tiene una enfermedad muy grave combinada con un estrés horrible. Si no haces lo siguiente, sin duda morirá: cada mañana prepárale un desayuno saludable. Se amable y asegúrate de que esté siempre de buen humor. Prepárale para la comida algo que le alimente bien y que pueda llevar al trabajo. Y cuando vuelva a casa más tarde, una cena especial. No le agobies con tareas, ya que esto podría aumentar su estrés. No hables de tus problemas ni discutas con él, sólo agravarás su estrés. Intenta que se relaje por las noches utilizando ropa interior sexy y dándole muchos masajes. Anímale a que vea algo de deportes en la televisión. Y, lo más importante, haz el amor con él varias veces a la semana y satisface todos sus caprichos sexuales. Si puedes hacer esto durante los próximos diez o doce meses, creo que tu marido recuperará su salud completamente.

De camino a casa, el marido pregunta a la mujer:

¿Qué te dijo el médico?

Que te vas a morir.

A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off. He thinks, This is probably not a good thing, so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor. He waits in the surgery for a bit, then hes called in.



The doctor greets him and asks, Whats the problem?



Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is. And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.



The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, What are you talking about? This is a marshmellow!



Well, that cant be right! I ate my last marshmellow on the way in here!

They say if you build a better mouse trap, the world will beat down your
door. But usually, its just one neighbor, and hell probably quit once
you stop throwing dead mice in his yard.

– Dave James

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground."Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?""I dunno," said the second. "Lets find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waitedand waited, but didnt hear it hit bottom."Hmm. Lets try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didnt hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if theyd seen a goat."Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole.""Oh, well then it couldnt have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."

What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?

Kick her in the butt!

Blamestorming – Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager – A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything, and then leaves.

Salmon Day – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Irritainment – Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Chainsaw Consultant – An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

Career Limiting Move (CLM) – Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Adminisphere – The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Assmosis – The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Flight Risk – Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 – Someone whos clueless. From the World Wide Web error message 404-URL Not Found, meaning that the requested web page could not be located. Used as in: Dont bother asking him… hes 404, man.

Generica – Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what city we were in.

Ohno-Second – That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that youve just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Umfriend – A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in This is Dylan, my … um…friend.

Body Nazis – Hard-core exercise and weight lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesnt work out obsessively.

Cube Farm – An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters – People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato – The on-line, wired generations answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging – When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see whats going on.

SITCOMs – What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, and Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage – A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy – A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out – An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Alpha Geek – The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

G.O.O.D. Job – A Get-Out-Of-Debt job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Yuppie Food Stamps – The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: We owe $8 each, but all anybodys got are yuppie food stamps.