The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month. He took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts. Finally, he proposed, Bernie, if you will marry me, I have enough money to provide you with anything your little heart desires.
Sorry John. she replied. Im not ready to settle down yet. And besides, you cant buy my love, but if the price is right, I might see my way clear to rent you some.
A small business owner was faced with the problem that he needed to downsize his company. He added up all the receipts and discovered he could get by if he fired one of his employees. He looked in his files and saw that he had two new employees; one named Jill, and the other named Jack.
Because they had started on the same day at the same time, he wondered how he would make the decision on who to fire. Finally he decided that he would fire the first one he saw taking a break.
About ten minutes later he saw Jill leaning against the wall next to the water cooler. He left his office and walked over to her with a serious look on his face. He turned to her and said, Jill, I have some rather bad news. It seems as though Im going to either have to lay you or Jack off.
Jill looked at her employer and said, Well, youre going to have to jack off. I have a headache.
A 75-year old man went to his doctors office to get a sperm count. The doctor
gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring me back a sample
tomorrow.
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctors office and gives him
the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks
what happened, and the man explains, Well, doc, its like this. First I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then
her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady
next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.
The doctor was shocked, You asked your neighbor?
The old man replied, Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldnt get the damn
jar open!
Q: What do the vacuum dirt devil and viagra have in common?
A: They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.
A lion in the London Zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, Thats a docile old thing, isnt it?
No way, said the keeper, its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged an Australian tourist into the cage and completely devoured him.
Hardly seems possible, said the astonished visitor, but why is it lying there licking its arse?
The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth.
Twas the Night before X-mas
Twas the night before christmas- Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and through down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works
Ive busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of thanks Santa what do I hear
The Old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money the reindeers all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes-if that aint damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money
And the kids these days- they all are the pits
They want the impossible… Those mean litttle shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls….Their arms, legs, and heads
I made a ton of yo yos No request for them
They want computers and robots…..they think Im IBM
If you thinks that bad…just picture this
Try holding their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose they grab at my beard
And if I dont smile the parents think Im wierd
Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimmneys and skinning their knees
Im quitting this job…theres just no enjoyment
Ill sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
Theres no christmas this year…. now you know the reason
I found me a blonde …Im going south for the season
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, This isnt a hazelnut daiquiri!
No, Im sorry, replied the bartender, its a hickory daiquiri, doc.
Whats the difference between the government and the Mafia?
One of them is organized.
Monday, two boys were in court after doing their community service for vandalism charges, and the judge said to the first one, How did you do over the weekend?
Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.
17 people? Thats wonderful. What did you tell them?
I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.
Thats admirable, said the judge. And you, how did you do? (to the 2nd boy)
Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.
156 people! Thats amazing! How did you manage to do that!
Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison….. and (pointing to the large circle) this is your asshole after prison.
Definitivamente no hay derecho a tanto sufrimiento: ¡EXIGIMOS EL DÃA DEL HOMBRE!
¿Quién es el único que se atreve a comerse todo lo que le sirvan (o se le atreviese) sin chistar?: El abnegado hombre.
¿Quién levanta los pies cuando están haciendo aseo?: El considerado hombre.
¿Quién es el que va vestido de negro al matrimonio?: El estúpido hombre.
¿Quién es el que se expone a una laringitis aguda por estar gritando cada vez que llega a la casa?: El dulce hombre.
¿Quién es el que se expone a una úlcera de la rabia, cuando al llegar a casa no encuentra el aseo hecho, la comida caliente, los niños cambiados, la ropa lavada y planchada, la cocina limpia, los recibos de los servicios en la mesa y, encima, encuentra a la mujer en rulos?: El incomprendido hombre.
¿Quién es el que se lastima los nudillos cada vez que reprende a la esposa?: El tierno hombre.
¿A quién es al que le toca exponerse a que lo roben o apuñalen en un bar de mala muerte y amanecer en un duro anden, cada vez que sale a esas sanas reuniones nocturnas con sus amigos, mientras la otra está dormidota en la camita bajo techo?: Al desprotegido hombre.
¿Quién es el que, a pesar del cansancio y el estrés, jamás podrá fingir un orgasmo?: El sincero hombre.
¿A quién le toca trabajar para pagar un montón de plata del recibo de la luz, porque la desconsiderada de la casa no hace sino planchar, aspirar, brillar y lavar, por lo menos nueve horas diarias?: Al paganini del hombre.
¿Quién tiene que matar las cucarachas y ratones de la casa porque a la Alteza le da pavor?: El valiente hombre.
¿A quién es al que se la montan cuando llega con colorete en la camisa?: Al incomprendido hombre (¿acaso uno no puede tener un amigo que trabaje de payaso?).
¿Quién manda en la casa?: La suegra, la mujer, los cuñados, la empleada, el perro y hasta la vecina del abrumado hombre.
¿Quiénes tienen que aguantarse las ganas de llorar?: Nosotros los machos no lloramos.
¿Quién es el que tiene que gastar considerables sumas de dinero en regalos para el dÃa de la madre, la mujer, la secretaria, la amistad, san ValentÃn, Navidad, cumpleaños, aniversarios y demás fiestas inventadas por el hombre para satisfacer a la mujer?: Adivinen…
¿Quién nunca lleva la contraria, jamás pide que le repitan una pregunta, y se viste en menos de diez minutos?: El ágil hombre.
¿Quién llega inocente y puro al matrimonio?: Sin duda alguna, el hombre (nadie comete matrimonio con conocimiento de causa).
¿Quiénes están leyendo esto a escondidas para poderse reÃr, ya que si son sorprendidos se exponen a un severo garrotazo?: Los cohibidos hombres.
¿Quién jamás podrá decir una mentira?: Los sinceros hombres (somos inocentes hasta que se nos demuestre lo contrario).
¿Quién tiene que aguantarse las tÃpicas escenitas de: ¡Ya no eres el mismo! ¿No me vas a salir esta noche con que estás cansado? ¡Ese pelo no es mÃo! ¡Me voy para donde mi mamá!?: El resignado hombre.
La lista de razones que ratifican el derecho del hombre a tener un dÃa especial para él (diferente al dÃa del trabajo), es infinita.