Old and New Jokes

Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets.

According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of homes and let the little people pay less than the going rate for rent.



Since we have only one little person living here it turns out that he wont have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers everything.



We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket
signs?

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a bag of fertilizer?

Ones a bag of crap, and the others fertilizer.

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,


Work
—- = Power
Time
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have


Work
—– = Knowledge
Money
Solving for Money, we get:


Work
Money = ———
Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more Money you Make.

A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” — even when you dont know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just dont tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please dont say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”

After her operation, the famous lady soap opera star was propped up in bed in her private room, as the doctor did his rounds. Tell me, how are you feeling now? he asked.

A lot better, thank you, purred the star in reply. But one thing does bother me. When will I be able to resume a normal sex life?

Oh, thats rather hard to say, said the doctor. Ive never been asked that after a tonsilectomy before.

This wonderful example of international humor was posted on the listserv list INDIA-D:

By the way, for we people (from India) who were born and brought up in the wrong side of the world, doing things in the wrong way has become a way of life.

For example,

In India we drive on the wrong side of the road. Even the cars we produce or drive have steering wheels on the wrong side.
We pronounce Z as Jed instead of Zee.
We meekly accepted MKS (Meter,Kilogram,Second) system like the rest of the world while America proudly stuck to the FPS system.
We use Lakhs & Crores while they use millions & billions.
We dumbly use Celsius while they use Fahrenheit (Cool!).
We play football only using foot. (How restricting! We lack imagination…)
In restaurants we ask for a bill and pay it with a cheque unlike here where they ask for check and pay it with a bill (Dollar bill).
I never realised # was the right symbol for pound instead of a L with a slash until I came here. (How stupid of me…)
While they zoomed past with their cars filled with gallons of GAS, we keep wondering how do you measure gas in gallons.
We think we have sense of humour while we cant even spell it right.

Even after coming to the right side of the world if I cant correct myself, what am I doing here? I should go back to the wrong side of the world where I belong.

On the other hand why dont the wrong side of the world (Obviously the rest of the world) change their ways and follow the noble example of USA.

Beats me…

You might be a redneck if you have ever vacationed in a highway rest area.

I personally have never taken seriously a college dropout who wandered
america in search of a job until he became the prophet of the angry right.
But anyway, I was thinking. ( a dangerous activity)

What is the difference between Rush Limbaugh and a TV Wrestler?

Consider:

TV Wrestler Rush

Male As far as we know.

White (usually) As far as we know.

Fat Definitely

Wears tight suits Yep.

Roars to adoring crowds. UnHuh.

Sponsored by obscure Sponsored by chain of
companies. Tall and Fat Stores.

Always on TV. yep.

Usually on Obscure yep.
Stations.

Appeals to bizarre Probably.
audience segment.

Doesnt seem to accom-
plish much but make money. yep.

Engages in low brow stunts. Yep.

Entertains more then informs. yep.

Well, I guess if he wants to the WWF always has room for him.
Maybe he could become a conservative TV Wrestler. Loud Man.
he would wear a black and white suit and shout at all the bad
wrestlers.