Old and New Jokes

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.

As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his first mate, Bring me my red shirt!

The first mate quickly retrieved the captains red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. The men sat around on deck that night recounting the days events when an ensign looked to the captain and asked, Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?

The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show blood, and thus you men will continue to fight unafraid.

The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man. The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties.

The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, Bring me my red shirt!

Once again, the battle was on, and the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time, more casualties occurred.

Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, ten of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, Bring me my brown pants!

Yo mamas so ugly when she was born they put her in an incubator with tinted windows!!!!!!!

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a new bra.

Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!

Wife: You wear shorts!

The population of the United States was 180 million at the time of writing, but there are 64 million over 60 years of age, leaving 116 million to do the work.

People under 21 total 59 million which leaves 57 million people to do the work.

Because of the 31 million government employees, there are only 26 million left to do the work.

Six million in the armed forces leave twenty million workers.

Deduct 17 million State, county, and city employees, and we are left with three million to do the work.

There are 2,500,000 people in hospitals, asylums, and treatment facilities leaving half a million workers.

However, 450,000 of these are bums or others who will not work, leaving 50,000 to do the work.

Now, it may interest you to know that there are 49,998 people in jail so that leaves just 2 people to do all the work, and that is you and me, and Im getting tired of doing everything myself!

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

There were a physicist, a circus strong man, and a statistician marooned on a desert island. A box of canned food washes ashore, and the question is how to open the cans. The physicist suggests dropping them from the trees so that they break open. The strong man says thats too messy. Instead, he will rip the cans open with his bare hands. The statistician says thats still too messy, but he knows how to open the cans without making a mess. First, he says assume we have a can opener.

Yo mama so ugly that when she looked out the window, the police gave her a fine for mooning.

Albert Garcia Jr. sued the state in 1992 because the Ely State Prison began delivering his legal mail from 9 p.m. to 10 p.m. He claimed the delivery time interfered with his sleeping pattern.

Kenneth Parker sued the state because he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter from the prison canteen at Nevada State Prison in 1989 but received one jar of chunky and one jar of creamy peanut butter. While Parker was later given the peanut butter he requested, he still pursued the case, and it was later dismissed.

Randall Wildeman sued the state in 1991 because a Nevada State Prison officer destroyed the bras and bikini panties he had in his cell. Wildeman claimed he was making womens clothing to be sent as gifts.

Michael Sims sued the state in 1994 on the grounds that a prison guard at the Ely State Prison was calling him names. Sims said the guard called him a faggot and a snitch and put him in a life-threatening situation.

Donald Ferris sued Nevada State Prison chaplain Al Ferris last year because he would not marry him to another man. State law prohibits same-sex marriages.

Matthew Banks sued the state because when he received his dinner tray at the Ely State Prison in 1992, a piece of cake on it was hacked up. In his complaint, Banks charged that an officer was mad at another prisoner in the lunch line and took his anger out on him when he complained about the cake.

David Bean sued the state in 1993 on the grounds his jeans, although altered for him, never fit properly, and he broke out in a rash and suffered an epileptic seizure, according to the attorney generals office. But Bean himself said his rash and seizure were due to mental anguish caused by not getting the proper pants.

Dennis Fixel sued the state in 1991 because he was forced to wear size 5 tennis shoes when he needed boots of a smaller size. He said he needed the boots because he is a welder and his feet would be ruined without them. Fixel claimed the state had destroyed his boots.

Dyarell Hunt sued the state last year because the Nevada State Prison gave him only two stamps a week to mail letters. As a member of the Universal Life Church, Hunt said he must send five letters a week as part of his religious regimen. Inmates are not allowed to receive stamps from outside the prison.

David Hooper filed a civil rights lawsuit in 1992 on the grounds that he was forced to uncover his window at the Ely State Prison before he was fed. To protect officers, the prison has a rule requiring prisoners to uncover the windows and step away from the door.

Source: attorney generals office

–Las Vegas Review-Journal,

August 2, 1995

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, Ive found a woman just like mother! His father replied, So what do you want from me, sympathy?

The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!

The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast:

The screwing youll get is going to be worth the screwing youll get.

I didnt have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men dont mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.

The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg…and a lot of stuffing!!!

The woman cries before wedding; the man afterward.

Their marriage is a wonderful partnership. Hes the silent one.

There is something magical about the fact that success almost always comes faster to the guy your wife almost married.

They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the bride said with a happy smile, Im sure this cant be cricket.

Think how much fun you could have with the doctors wife and a bucket of apples.

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother. I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

To the bride: To be happy in your marriage, you should approach each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your period.

Treat him like a flower…grab him by the stalk.

Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first

500.

Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern line, recommended inter between course 69 Stop. Happy voyage, bottoms up.

We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and bullwhip?

Weeping bride, laughing wife; laughing bride, weeping wife.

When the best man is reading the telegrams: From your friends on the H.M.C.S. Harmen, At ten o clock, please report position and depth.

When god made man he made em out of string, He had a little left over so he left a little thing, When god made women he made em out of lace, He didnt have enough so he left a little space, Heres to space!

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be… Firstly, The Marriage Game, Followed by, Great Temptation, The Untouchables, Mission Impossible, The Time is Right, Rawhide and Bonanza.

The rising sun may kiss the grass, The clock may kiss the hours that pass The flowing wine may kiss the glass, And you my friends… Drink Hearty!

When a woman gets to the better or worse part of the wedding ceremony, shes already experienced the better part.

Propose this toast: John, you are a lucky groom; youve got Mary. Shes beautiful, smart, funny, warm, and loving. Mary, youve got….John.

To Space When God made Man, He made him out of string. He had a little left over, So, he made a little thing.

When God made Woman, He made her out of lace. He didnt have enough, So, he left a little space. To Space.

Sayings To Write With Shaving Cream On The Newlywed Car To Bed or Bust She got him today – Hell get her tonight Just living together

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!